Let Your First Rule Be to Pause
One of the things I’ve learned the hard way is the art of delay, especially when emotions and business get tangled together. In the first place, communication between two people is iffy at best, and further complicated when it’s via text, email, or any other non-verbal method without the benefit of facial, or body language. Most of the time I honor my own cardinal rule: if it raises your ire, wait at least a day before responding.
Although reacting is easy, undoing the damage done is a far more onerous process, and one that can often be avoided by respecting this rule. If there’s one thing I’ve learned well, it’s that little in life requires an immediate response. You’ll usually have time to think it through before answering a text, email, or snail mail letter, so do yourself a favor, and use the time to good effect. The answer you ultimately give will be better thought out, and less likely to be inflammatory.
The world is full of people waiting for an excuse to exhibit their ugliest behavior. Many are itching for a fight, and will say or do the most outrageous things for the sole purpose of getting a negative reaction out of someone like you or me. Why give them the satisfaction? Why risk your reputation for their agenda?
The Right Tool in the Wrong Hands…
Instant messaging and email are wonderful tools, and have, in many ways, simplified your life.
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As with anything, the right tool in the wrong hands can be dangerous, if not devastating. If you’re skeptical, look at the number of rule breakers hacking email and social media accounts, or the increasing number of scams designed to fleece the unwary. Maybe they’re not all malicious. It could be a kid testing their skills to see how far they can go. It’s still abusing the tool.
All it takes is one to cause major problems for a large company, much less a small entrepreneurial concern. The caution I advise when dealing with people you know is even more important when dealing with those you don’t. Heaven knows I’ve been tempted to respond to the spam texts and IMs I get regularly with something angry and cutting. Remembering to invoke the 10 steps rule has saved me more than I suspect I realize.
What do I mean by “the 10 steps rule”? Essentially, if a piece of written communication (or any communication for that matter) engages your emotions in a negative way, take 10 steps back (or more, if you need to) before deciding whether to respond at all. If you decide to respond, the time and distance will allow you to do so without all your flags flying, and may mean the difference between replying with a candle vs. a flame-thrower.
Declining Invitations to Arguments
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Why feed someone’s ego by accepting their invitation to an argument? I’m learning it’s a lot more satisfying to block their angry, ugly selves and get on with my day. I know my time is better spent focusing on my business in some way, or frankly, even on completing a household chore or two.
Like any narcissist or egomaniac, the satisfaction is in the response. If you ignore them they’ll move on until they find someone who gives them what they want. As P.T. Barnum is alleged to have said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” I, for one choose not to be someone else’s fool. Heaven knows I’ve performed enough foolish acts on my own recognizance!
With the limited number of hours in a day, and what’s presumably a full plate, you have better things to do with your time than be sucked into unnecessary arguments, or worse, have to clean up a mess when you’ve responded too quickly, and in the process, miscommunicated from both the listening and the speaking side.
Accept the Limits of Communication
When all else fails, give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Choose to believe there was
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no malice intended; that their words struck you the wrong way because of something going on in your life, or simply a difference in perspective.
Stepping back and letting it ride for a day or two can, if nothing else, soften your perspective, and your reaction to what seemed, in the moment, to be inflammatory words. Even if they meant what they said and how they said it, you’ll refrain from adding fuel to the fire, or damaging a relationship.
Even if it’s a relationship you need to terminate, isn’t it better to leave on a high note? As interconnected as people are in this technological age, burning one bridge could easily ignite another you wanted to leave unscathed.
Rudeness is Never the Right Response
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Telling a problematic client your schedule is too full to accept another contract with them is far better than telling them they’re a pain in the ass, and they’re not worth your time. In the first place, they may still speak kindly of you and perhaps, refer you to others. In the second, they may be perfectly nice people with work habits and expectations that aren’t a good fit for you.
I think the most powerful reminder I give myself now is “it isn’t personal”. I know there are times it feels like it, but trust me on this. It never is. What you do and say is firmly rooted in your own being. Your perceptions, feelings, experiences, and emotions impact the way you communicate as both speaker and listener. What one deems offensive, another sees as their normal communication style. Hence the need to find clients and vendors who not only share our values, but our communication style too.
My rule of thumb now is to ask myself a few questions when I’m tempted to react:
- Is it what they said, or how they said it?
- Is it personal? (the answer to this one should always be no, even when it feels like it should be yes).
- Is it worth risking the relationship? (also no unless item 4 applies)
- Have they crossed or disrespected my boundaries?
- Could I look back on this in the future and wish I’d handled it differently?
If nothing else, taking the time to ask myself these questions gives me time to cool off, rethink, and respond instead of reacting. Do I follow this every time? Regrettably, no, but often enough that I still have friends and colleagues for the long haul.
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri 
believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.
If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author.
Be sure to watch this space for news of the upcoming releases of ” Rebuilding After Suicide” and “Sasha’s Journey”.
