Sitting on the sofa tonight with Dylan snuggled against my leg, I found myself indulging in an uncharacteristic pity party.
But let me explain. For the last two weeks or so, I’ve been kept from my normal activities due to one physical malady after another. It started with four days of the flu after which I got a couple of good days in before being flattened by a double ear infection. Meanwhile, the cough which is a delightful after party from the flu is hanging on. In the meantime, I’ve been running a fever on and off so I’m alternately putting on and taking off clothes and covers. But the worst part has been the complete and utter exhaustion.
A trip to the market sends me off for a two hour nap. Taking out the trash? Another nap. I sleep until about 9:30, and by noon or 1, I need another nap. In short,
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired!
Being the analytical sort, I started thinking about what may have put me into this unpleasant state.
What I came up with may be more disturbing for me than being sick. I realized that I’ve been working on my book for over 6 months now, and it’s still not done. Close, but no cigar. However, with each chapter I edit, the words come harder and harder, and I fear that if I look back at those chapters, I’ll be tempted to just delete the entire file!
The short version is that I don’t feel I’m living up to my own expectations, and rather than lighting a fire under myself, it’s nearly paralyzed me. I have yet to pick up where I left off with the copywriting course, and when I read emails from the organization which put out the course giving pep talks and self-promotion ideas, I find myself thinking:
But I can’t do that!
The question is, where is all of this negativity coming from? I know on a conscious level that I’m a smart, competent person who has a gift for writing, my own unique wit and an active imagination. I never expected to write a best seller in a month, have it published and become independently wealthy. I just chose to follow my dream.
But somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost mine. I know that some of it has to do with money going out but not coming in, and that my hopes for keeping myself afloat doing accounting on the side have not panned out (nor, quite frankly, have I really put much effort into making it happen).
When I think about updating my resume and looking for another job, I get a sick feeling in my stomach, so I know that’s not where I need to go. I guess what I really need is some sign, some indication that I’m still going in the right direction.
Even more, I need to dig my way out of the pit I seem to have dug, find my joy and positive outlook again, and get back on the road which leads to the life of my dreams.
I realize that this post lacks my usual energy and positivity, but one of the things I realized while sitting on the couch listening to my stomach churn was that the best way to get myself out of this pit was to do what I do best. So this is me, writing my way out of this pit of self pity, digging my way back up to the path called “hopes and dreams” and telling my recalcitrant body that its days of lounging around, feeling tired and melancholy have just come to an abrupt and timely end!
The best way to end such a downer of a post is to express my gratitudes, loudly and strongly.
1. I am grateful for my stubbornness which doesn’t put up with crap for very long, especially from myself.
2. I am grateful for my habit of writing when I need to work through something. It never fails me, and won’t this time either.
3. I am grateful for my readers who check in even when I’ve missed a day or two. Having you there inspires me to write something, if only so I don’t disappoint you.
4. I am grateful for my mother from whom I have learned that I never want to sink to the levels of despair she found. My history is not hers, and in mine, things always work out better than I could have planned.
5. I am grateful for my independence. It allows me to have a few dark days, that I might truly appreciate the rest of them!