Over the last couple of days, I’ve had several people ask me if I’m all right because I didn’t seem like I was quite all there. I explained that I’m spending more time as my energetic self at the moment which would likely appear in my human self as distractedness or detachment.
That is not to say that I’m not continuing to connect with people, but I guess I have an airier look to me right now.
Meanwhile, I am still listening to my Loggins and Messina station on Pandora, and am finding that there were an awful lot of love songs which, both then and now, wound themselves around that heart I closed off for so long. Whether or not the songs are the cause, I found myself thinking today that I really needed to give and receive (to borrow words from Mary Chapin Carpenter’s song) passionate kisses. Of course, my wicked mind just had to interject “after all this time, do you even remember how???” Which reminds me of Barbra Streisand’s impassioned query “Will a convent take a Jewish girl?” If so, my born-again virgin status should easily qualify me for admission, should that really be what I want! (Seriously???? Black is so not my color! :))
I have to believe that, like hugs, you don’t forget how to imbue a kiss with all the passion you feel when the time and the partner are right.
Certainly, I don’t intend to just grab someone and lay a liplock on him. After all, that’s not the passion I’m looking for, but simply raw lust.
Doing a quick review of the people I know, I just don’t see any of them being the one I share this passionate interlude with, so the real dilemma is, where is he and how am I going to go about being in a place where the first connection can be made? And before you ask, dating sites are out! I just feel put off by the impersonality of it, and the mail order bride-ishness it elicits in me.
What that leaves is the need to expand my horizons. Frequent new places, meet a whole new group of people and push aside my inherent shyness to actually give this whole thing a fighting chance. Yet, I have no idea where to start, assuming that the opening up to the idea isn’t start enough for now.
I also seem to be extra sensitized right now. I was fine dancing until the place started filling with the younger crowd. Suddenly, my skin was almost crawling with the frantic, frenzied efforts to have a good time. I literally ran out of the place, unable to get out of there fast enough! Even more surprising, this was in spite of sealing my field repeatedly! I feel like the outer layer of my aura has turned into an emotion magnet, drawing in and enlarging all of the emotions in my vicinity, and frankly, it’s painful!!!
For any of the other empaths out there, whether you realize you are or not, even the happy emotions of other people can feel like sandpaper on a raw wound when raised to a state of frenzied excitement. Trust me when I say that the estrogen and testosterone levels of the younger crowd are seriously elevated in an environment where the girls wear short skirts, lacy blouses, skin tight shorts or jeans, tops that are cut down to there, and then alcohol is added to the mix. In retrospect, the underlying feeling of desperation was what left me feeling raw and exposed. From now on, when it gets close to the time when the younger crowd starts filtering in, the filter level on my field seal is going up to maximum strength!! Feeling this unsettled hours after I got home from dancing is not something I want to see on a regular basis!
I am so grateful that I am no longer a twenty-something, or even anything close! The need to attract a member of the opposite sex is no longer all-consuming, but a nice bonus. Although, during my ART session, I realized that I have a certain amount of resistance to giving up some of the independence I’ve been enjoying of late, although I know I can’t have one without the other.
ADHD moment: As I listen to my Loggins and Messina station, I am really surprised at how many of the songs I recognize from only a few notes, even after all this time! Further proof of how powerful music is and how the music that truly influenced our lives remains in our subconscious indefinitely! Whether it’s “Dance with me”, “Wonderful” or “The Boxer”, the impact on me and the attachment I formed with the music and its poetry during my most sensitive years is still very much alive and well, especially as I shed the blocks I’ve had in place for years. Carole King’s “So Far Away” gives me the same chills, the same lonely, melancholy feeling, the same sense of hope that all will work out, as it did when I was 15! How amazing is that???
Yet, here I remain, in what’s left of my bubble, emotions open and exposed, dreams still alive, hope still springing eternal, poised to jump from the cliff, hoping these wings of mine will catch the wind when they’re supposed to, holding me aloft.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the things I am experiencing now, even as some are rather painful.
2. I am grateful for the discoveries I’m making, both alone and with help.
3. I am grateful for the dancing which shows me that I truly can soar.
4. I am grateful for time to soul search, and for the things I’m finding within myself.
5. I am grateful for the understanding I am getting from my friends as I travel this new road of self-discovery and removal of blocks.
Love and light.