Today I learned that my cousin Karen who was born 11 days before I was lost her 7 year battle with breast cancer. My first thought was how very sad it was for her family but my second was gratitude for how fortunate I have been, health-wise compared to Karen and her family. Granted, her parents are still alive and mine are not, but her parents and her sisters have all had their share of health problems. Who am I to say which is better? Alive with issues or dead without? Either way, all of them, my parents included, made their choices as to which they believed was better, and acted upon them. They are all courageous in their own way, and that way is theirs and theirs alone, not to be judged or criticized, simply to be accepted and loved. At any rate, I wish for Karen’s mother, father, sisters, husband, children, nieces, nephews, grandchildren…all who were fortunate enough to have had her touch their lives, healing energy to help them accept the loss of her physical self, and the understanding that her Spirit will always be with them. Although we have not really been connected since the death of my mother, I am still experiencing a feeling of loss. For the first 35 or so years of my life, our families were very connected, almost intertwined. I was very close with her younger sister and our families celebrated a lot of holidays together. The rift of the last 19 years cannot change that.
On a more selfish note, I am reminded that I haven’t gone in for a checkup for over a year, and I’ve promised myself that when I finish with the physical therapy for my knee next week, I will make an appointment to see my OB/GYN and correct that particular problem!
I also learned today (or actually, was reminded) that grown men have tantrums and direct them at the ones who make them the most uncomfortable. The underlying reason may not be readily apparent, but the irrational anger and stubbornness of a thwarted four-year-old sure doesn’t change when that four-year-old reaches adulthood. But I continue to gain insight into the inner workings of those around me, and although I don’t actually understand their behaviour, I do understand what is behind it, and why people surround themselves with others in like circumstances because it makes them feel safe. Men who are dominated by their wives feel most comfortable surrounded by more of the same, while they get itchy and twitchy around strong women in their work environment, even while they understand the need to have them there! It’s kind of like kids who were given caster oil when they were growing up. It tasted nasty and they hated it, but since Mom told them it was good for them, they tolerated it.
I know this is just another step in my learning process to ready me to call my own shots and carve out my own path. Clearly, I need to solidify not only my skills but my abilities to lead and communicate those skills and abilities to others. I am tasked to use this time wisely as it is limited and things could undergo drastic changes at any time. At the moment, it’s being called “restructuring” but I have been through enough downsizings and reorganizations to understand the story beneath the fancy words. If nothing else, the next 6-12 months promise to be an E ticket ride in a lot of ways.
As I continue to ramble through tonight’s post, it occurs to me that ex-contractor may have finally gotten the message that I’ve said all I’m going to say to him until such time as I receive full payment as prescribed by the arbitrator. Attempts to regain my trust have finally ceased. Could it be that my lack of response finally penetrated his impaired brain? Let’s hope so! At this point, he’ll either find a way to come up with the full amount or his license will be revoked. It is his choice, and his choice alone which it will be. In the meantime, I throw imaginary confetti hearts at him. It may not smooth his path or cheer him up, but it amuses me completely!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my principles and my commitment to sticking to them.
2. I am grateful beyond belief for my good health!
3. I am grateful for endless opportunities to grow and thrive.
4. I am grateful for peace and harmony at home and at work.
5. I am grateful for friends who have my back and who allow me to have theirs.
Love and light