After yesterday’s amazing and profound realizations, I find myself once again feeling very unsettled.  I can’t really put my finger on the cause, though I have opened my mind to suggestions today, but it feels like I’m about to leap off of an unexpected and uncharted cliff into the unknown.  I truly believe that this leap will be necessary for me, and that it will, indeed, be a leap of faith, but it still leaves me feeling nervous and unsettled.  It may be just that I don’t know what it is or when it will occur and that leaves me feeling uncomfortable.  I can be reasonably sure that this major change I’m anticipating will not directly impact my professional life, so at least that’s one direction I don’t need to keep in my sights.  However, the control freak in me immediately curls into a protective ball and whimpers because what this leaves open to disruption are the areas of my life over which I don’t really have much control.  Granted, this is the point, and what will make this change amazing is that I will exercise what I’ve learned about allowing things to flow, but the combination of not knowing what is coming and knowing which areas of my life are likely to be affected are definitely giving me pause.

As I tossed and turned last night, finding it difficult to find sleep, it didn’t even occur to me that I was about to enter another roller coaster ride in the next few days.  It didn’t even occur to me that the sleeplessness was an early indication of the unsettling, exciting, marvelous things I have to look forward to.  It wasn’t until mid morning today that I even realized that the unsettled feeling was what was putting me off.  And now, I’m finding that my appetite is virtually gone as well (and those who know me know how much I enjoy food, so this is definitely significant!).  However, I’m currently arguing with myself about the outrageously ridiculous conversations I was creating in my mind to steer myself away from certain issues and concerns because, (and maybe this is one of the first signs of insanity) some of them are actually starting to sound plausible to what must be a very demented mind!   A couple of key points even showed up in my meditation AFTER I’d managed to clear my mind and put forth an invitation to the Universe to help me find some clarity!  It makes me wonder if they’re having a huge joke at my expense before dropping the prize in my lap!  It’s times like this that I feel like a kinder, gentler version of Job.  My world is certainly not being ripped to shreds with death and plague and all manner of horrors.  Rather, I am beset by delays, miscommunications, mixed signals and forgetfulness.  It’s as if I’m missing connections by mere seconds, but in missing those connections, something even better comes along, soon after I finish cursing myself about the missed connection.

For example, we’ve pretty much reconciled ourselves to the fact that the house will be torn up and the kitchen incomplete by Thanksgiving, and are already discussing alternate methods of preparing our annual feast without oven or stove.  Mathom even had us cracking up at the idea of cooking pieces of turkey on forks over the fire pit (a bit hard to stuff it that way!).  Heather chimed in that we could make the mashed potatoes and stuffing on the barbecue, but nobody has yet figured out how to make the annual pumpkin cheesecake.   Something tells me that the final solution will be great fun for all concerned.

I’m reminded of the frantic, frenetic mood at Borderline last week and, in being reminded, am wondering if this unsettled feeling is mine alone, or if others are feeling it as well.  Here’s my thinking on why I find this significant.  If the feelings are isolated to me and maybe a few others here and there, I would expect the changes to be localized to those feeling them coming, and maybe a few others who just aren’t as sensitive to changing tides.  However, if this feeling is more widespread, I would expect the changes to be less individual and more global.  It’s a good thing I’ll be out among other people tonight as it will give me an opportunity to gauge how far this unsettledness is radiating.

Everyone else seemed pretty calm to me tonight, so apparently, the unsettledness is localized to me and perhaps a few others.  No new insights though, but I did find that, even if I’m not hungry, I need to eat before I dance.  My blood sugar tanked around 8:30 and I started getting cranky, so I came home and ate yogurt.  Better now, but another lesson learned.

Hopefully, I’ll have more to report tomorrow, but the Universe operates on its own schedule, so I’m not making any promises about something over which I have no control.  I’m also still living with a very sore throat so I need to figure out what needs to be expressed and just get it out!

Love and light

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