The subject keeps coming up as to whether or not I’m ready to include another person in my life, whether I’m ready to embrace my wholeness and allow someone to share it. I vacillate between wanting the warmth and companionship and loving my alone time.
What it has finally come down to is that there are a number of things I need to do to improve my home environment before I’ll be ready to let someone in, and so far, I’ve made every excuse in the book to avoid some pretty onerous tasks. In fact, I ended up cleaning out the things which were on the floor of one of my closets last week, to find out just how onerous it is. It seems that, at some point, my cats were using it as their sandbox of choice, and the carpet is beyond ruined. I discarded or washed everything that was on the floor, but I need to rip up the carpet and scrub the bejeebers out of the floor now.
I also need to take mop and bucket to the floors in the rest of the house, and probably clean walls as well. As I’m not exactly Suzie Homemaker, these tasks take awhile for me to actually get to. But am I avoiding them so I don’t have to answer the question above? Or do I really avoid them because I’m such a slob?
There’s also the matter of my yard. Although I know that getting my hands into the dirt would be a good thing for me on many levels, I continue to ignore the weeds gracing my flower bed, and the rose bushes which need trimming. Again, to avoid the above question, or out of laziness?
I’m thinking that the first step is to actually focus my attention on these things instead of sweeping them under my mental rug. I don’t mean just look at them, say “nah!” and move on. I mean that I need to look at the underlying reasons I don’t just do them! It isn’t like I don’t have the time right now! Editing is going slowly, in fits and starts, and my social life isn’t exactly packed full of appointments, parties and events. (I’m not complaining about the social life, though, as I do like a certain amount of solitude.)
So what is the real reason for leaving these necessary tasks undone?
The first thing that comes into my mind is fear. OK, so fear of what? Fear of failure? Fear that nobody out there would want me? Fear of being hurt? Fear of commitment? Do I have to pick just one? It isn’t like I haven’t given this a lot of thought.
I know I don’t have the body of a model, but then, I’m also not 20 or 30 any more. Yes, a lot of my peers learned to love themselves much earlier than I did, and have taken much better care of their outside package than I have, but I am working on it! It is a slow process, but I’m happy with my progress, thus far. I’m going to the gym pretty regularly, eating healthy most of the time, and drinking gallons of water. Yet, there’s still some insecurity there, despite the fact that I keep telling myself I wouldn’t be happy with someone who loved me based on my looks.
I watch my friends who have long-term, loving relationships a little enviously, but more, with gratitude that they found someone who cherishes them. Then I find myself thinking “I want to be loved like that!” The trouble is, I’m not sure I know how! Is there a manual or something out there? Or is it like raising kids? You learn as you go. Hmmm, sounds like a song I like “….Life’s a dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow.”
Wait a minute!!!! Is that it??? Have I been leading for so long that I’ve forgotten how to follow? Is it as simple as that? Allowing myself to two step instead of line dance? Just that???
Of course, it’s easier said than done, but at least I understand the concept. The trick will be putting it in practice as I really do love to line dance! (I’m getting all goose pimply here, as I really feel like I’ve hit on the problem!)
I’m open to suggestions from the many women I know who are strong and independent (and there are a lot of us out there these days!). How did you learn to give up the lead once in awhile? Is there some secret to it, or is it, as a friend of mine says, “easy peasy”? Did I just blow by the course when it came around, thinking I’d never need it? Something like Letting Go 101? Or maybe I need the really elementary version, “Letting Go For Dummies”?
Any ideas out there? (Don’t worry about the house. I know I need to work on that one!) Funny, I woke up from a dream where the friend I stole “easy peasy” from was asking me how my house was decorated, what was on the walls, the front door, etc. In the dream, this was all part of creating the right environment, as if the outer environment would bring changes, and maybe it would. I’m sure my outer environment is a reflection of my inner one in some mysterious way. And, to be honest, I’ve come a long way in the clearing of it, despite the fact that I still have a long way to go. Perhaps, just being ready, willing and able to clear the outer environment is what proves to ourselves that our inner one is ready for the changes we desire?
Definitely a lot to ponder here on this bright, sunny, windy Saturday.
I hope that you’re all making your dreams come true as you read of my struggles to realize mine!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the loving examples of my friends.
2. I am grateful for the ability to be my own sounding board to, if not solve, at least, understand, what I still need to improve in myself.
3. I am grateful for those who listen, and appreciate it when they don’t tell me I’m oversharing, even when I am!
4. I am grateful for opportunities for self-improvement.
5. I am grateful for the home I’m continuing to make brighter, cleaner and less cluttered.
Love and light.