I started cleaning yesterday in preparation for Heather’s bridal shower but as I cleaned, spending 5 hours on the kitchen alone, I realized that what I was doing was more than a simple (or not so simple, given how long it had been since I’d done a real deep cleaning) house cleaning. It was more of a soul deep cleansing for me. By the time I went dancing last night, I felt really good about what I’d accomplished, but knew that I would spend today on the project because there was much more I needed to do before I reached the end of my task. But it wasn’t until I sat on the sofa to untangle a bunch of cords and wires from my electronics which had been disconnected and stored months ago in preparation for the now postponed remodel that I realized what I’d really, unconsciously, set out to do.
The last year has been one of ups, downs, starts, stops, sharp turns and major changes. I had reconciled myself to the fact that the remodel would not recommence until after I’d completed the legalities and definitely after Heather’s wedding. I was pleasantly surprised when the kids re-did my bathroom and the floor in Jenni’s old room so I can actually provide accommodations for one or two of my out-of-town guests should they want to stay. This is an unexpected and welcome bonus for me!
But I digress. While untangling the wires and cords, I realized that the true purpose for my efforts this weekend was an untangling of myself. I’ve been wound up very tightly over the remodel fiasco and Heather’s wedding, to the point where I’d started having regular migraines, or at least pre-migraines. My motivation to do a lot of things was at an all-time low, despite many demands on my time and brain. The reality is that, like the excess weight, I’d wrapped my clutter and, yes, my slovenliness around me like a protective blanket. As long as I lived like I did, I could continue with my self-imposed isolation. Yes, I’ve gotten more friendly and spend a lot more time getting to know the people around me, but that was merely a baby step. The time has come for me to really step outside of my comfort zone and make the steps, nay, the strides to which I keep giving lip service, but no real substance.
Instead of just teasing people with the opportunity to be a part of my life, I need to start offering real opportunities. Instead of just talking about writing my book, I need to get serious about it. (though after the wedding, of course!) Instead of just saying that I’m open if “that right person” happens to wander into my life, I need to shake the cobwebs off of my heart and really mean it. In other words, I need to walk the walk and talk the talk!
So what I can’t really explain to my already overwhelmed daughter right now is that I need to unclutter my house so I can unclutter myself. Clean is a great start, and I am incredibly grateful for all the work she and Mathom have done this week, but I have to dig through those boxes and bags ruthlessly, giving or throwing away so much that no longer serves me. Even though it meant not only declining a beautiful drive with kids I adore to go wine tasting in a gorgeous example of Southern California, but also declining an opportunity to spend the afternoon with my oh-so-adorable granddaughter while her mommy went car shopping.
But the fruits of this weekend’s labor will yield more and higher quality time in the weeks to come to enjoy those simple pleasures.
Love and light