As I sit in front of my computer trying to exhaust my brain enough to sleep, a myriad of thoughts chase each other around my brain. Thoughts like “I’m glad my friends are not like my relatives.” or “interesting how the women in my family all seem to go through a period of major insecurity. Some of us outgrow it, and others never do.” And with the last, is insecurity genetic instead of learned, or do each of us have enough of our mothers in us that we inadvertently teach it to our daughters. (I can’t speak for the sons as I’m not close enough to any of them to get their input). My mom and one of my aunts were frighteningly similar in many ways. They’d both get all huffy if things weren’t going as they wanted, and although my aunt had a nervous breakdown when I was a kid, it very well could have gone the same way my mom did, if circumstances were only slightly different. Is that why they have had to chew the whole thing up, hash and re-hash and share it with anyone within earshot? Is it really, for them, a “there but for the grace of G-d go I” kind of situation, and the only way that they can keep from being afraid is by setting themselves above my parents? If that’s the case, as far as I’m concerned, whatever works, but is it truly working if they have to keep re-hashing to remind themselves? Hard to say.
Other thoughts spinning around are focused on the fact that I haven’t really written anything of note in a couple of weeks. I was going to sit down this weekend, but never really had the quiet I wanted, and just didn’t motivate myself. Last time I really got some good writing in, I was actually compelled to sit down and write, and it just came spewing forth. I struggled over about 800 words in my last session, and probably could have done more had I maintained the quiet I needed and not allowed myself to get distracted. At the moment, I’m feeling like a lot of what I’ve written is somewhat preachy, but I’m not sure, right now, how to fix it nor how to change direction. I know that it will come to me and forcing it won’t make it come any faster, but it really is frustrating!
I’m seeing and hearing a lot of mention of illness lately, and I’m trying to detach myself from those thoughts and conversations as I work on allowing my body to reach it’s natural, healthy, divine state. That isn’t to say that I don’t have an ache or pain, nor that the weather changes aren’t making my sinuses cranky, but I see this as part of the normalization process that’s occurring within me right now, sort of like growing pains, and I need to just allow the process to proceed until it has gone through all of the steps it needs to in order to return me to that perfect, healthy state. I know that things I’ve done have pushed me away from that place, and that, just as when you make a wrong turn and drive for awhile in the opposite direction from where you need to be, it takes awhile before you get back on the right road. Meanwhile, you might find yourself driving through some pretty dicey areas before returning to the proper route. I guess it’s no different than when I quit smoking and hacked my brains out for a year or so, clearing all of the crap from my lungs. I still need to clear crap from my body so that it can function efficiently.
I had contemplated trying to go to the two-step lessons tomorrow night, but my right knee is still a bit on the weak side, and I think another week of stretching it, resting it and concentrating on line dancing will get me back to normal faster than pushing it tomorrow night.
And finally, the stir fry mix of asparagus, mushrooms and onions Trader Joe’s has in their fresh vegetable case is quite tasty and went very well with last night’s leftover chicken!
Love and light