I’ve been rather remiss in posting these last two days but given what I was going through, I’ve given myself a pass.  Sunday was a delightful day spent eating nothing but clear fluids then, well, I’ll spare you the details.  Monday saw no sustenance until about noon, and a day spent recovering from anesthesia.  Waking up this morning feeling nauseous and experiencing lower back pains the likes of which I thought I’d left behind with the birth of my children put the cap on the whole thing.

Thankfully, I seem to be seeing improvement by the hour and they still haven’t found a reason for the pains I’ve been having.  I have to say, though, that finding nothing, in this case, is wonderful news!!!  Too many of my peers are finding something these days, and it isn’t good!  So I’m very grateful that all of the tests I’ve had so far show me to be healthy and as close to normal as I get!

In the midst of it all, the crazy, disconnected dreams have returned.  One found me at a party at someone’s home up in the mountains where nobody seemed to notice or care whether the person they were talking to was naked or clothed.  People at the party ranged from people I knew in high school who were now grown, to friends from dancing to complete strangers.  The main room had a large wooden floor on which I saw some of the weirdest line dances I’ve ever seen!  (one involved scootching along the floor on your tush while waving your hands around in some elaborate pattern!)

A group of us decided to head down to a local mall where a series of twists and turns slowly separated us until I found myself alone.  Patting my hip pockets, I couldn’t find my cell phone and thought I was without it until I found myself talking to Heather and realized that it must be on me or my headset wouldn’t pick her up.  I realized I was wearing cargo pants and the cell phone along with some other helpful items was in one of the lower pockets.

As I was arranging for Heather to pick me up, the dream ended with Toby climbing on top of me for attention, soaking wet!  Where he managed to get his head and neck soaked continues to be a mystery as he was much too wet for it to have been the result of another cat’s grooming.  By the time I awoke again with the pain in my back greatly reduced, he was dry again.

As things return to normal, serendipity set in and this appeared on my Facebook page.  It reminds me of the song “Celebrate” which my friends and I used to change by inserting other words ending in “ate”, some, admittedly, on the raunchy side.

This one would become “Contaminate, contaminate, smile to the music!”  Although we typically tended to get closer to the meaning of the word, e.g. “masticate, masticate, chew tot he music.”  So this one would come out more like “contaminate, contaminate, infect to the music!”

OK, so great poetry it wasn’t, but we were college students and were easily amused.  Oh, wait!  I’m still easily amused!

Which takes me to another topic change.  As children, we tend to laugh at almost anything.  I watch my adopted son’s little boy crack up at the craziest things, and remember how little it took to make me laugh when I was his age.  As time went on, I would continue to find amusement with my friends while still in that semi-irresponsible period of time known as “childhood” which encompassed my teenage years as well.

But as I left the childhood years behind and had to learn to become a responsible adult, the carefree, easily amused times became less and less frequent and as I succumbed to the drudgery of making a living (as opposed to making a life), married a man who was a good fit for me at the time but not for a lifetime, had my daughters and faced all of the financial and time sucking challenges children and a job can take if we don’t learn to control them ourselves, I lost the ability entirely for awhile.

Ending the marriage was certainly the first step in rediscovering the ability, and certainly, spending time with my daughters helped a lot.  Seeing things through their eyes reminded me of how silly life really is.

Sadly, their teenage years coincided with my losing my sense of humor yet again.  Their angst, my job challenges, and numerous other soul sucking events led me to allowing that child-like view of the world to go dormant again.  In so doing, I discovered what it was like to feel like a victim, live in a kind of somnambulant, depressed state, and drag myself out to do what needed to be done.  At the same time, I decided I was too busy with the girls and their activities to dance, and that really put the stopper on the bottle!  The fact that I didn’t turn to drink at the time is a tribute to my years of living with an alcoholic which made the uncontrolled state of inebriation anathema to me.  It probably also saved me from going into a deep, dark hole from which I might not have, so easily emerged a few years later!

I am happy to say that, largely because of my dancing and dance friends, I have rediscovered the ability to find humor in almost anything.  While I’m still working on being less serious (except, of course, when necessary), the road to living life through humor is growing ever wider, and, thankfully, more the rule than the exception these days.

Nothing sucks the life out of us like absence of laughter.  In fact, laughter has been proven to have incredible healing properties as well.  But the Laws of Attraction show us that you just can’t leap from thoroughly beaten down to laughing at nothing in one swell foop.  Like anything else, it’s a progression.

I don’t remember making that progression, but I do remember deciding not to be sad and lonely any more.  Clearly, that was enough, as the Universe took care of the rest.  Certainly, there were times when I slid backwards during the process, and times when I still felt alone, dejected and angry, but in the end, those aren’t memories which linger or feel important, other than as steps to where I am today. 

Of course, I didn’t just sit back and wait either. I watched “The Secret” and started reading the Abraham books by Esther and Jerry Hicks.  It was when I read “Ask and it is Given” and found the scale of emotions that I think I started really paying attention, though, looking at it now, from position 1 instead of 22 makes it all look pretty amazing!  That I climbed the emotional ladder from the very bottom all the way to the top  just blows my mind!  In case you’re unfamiliar with that scale, I’ll post it, though, with the same qualification they used which is that it will look “something like this”.  Everyone is unique so they’re emotional scales will vary accordingly.

1. Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. “Overwhelment”
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

I’m glad I brought this list up, because it reminds me that we don’t stay continuously at the top level, and frankly, it would be boring to me and annoying to everyone else if I did!  For the most part, I tend to stay in the 1-7 range, but there are certainly times, even now, when I become bored, frustrated and even overwhelmed.  The difference, today, is that I don’t stay at any of those levels for very long and don’t allow myself to fall further down the ladder in the process.

Certainly as a mother, I will always hit “worry” on occasion, but I’ve also learned to take that opportunity to throw a whole lot of positive energy at whoever or whatever is causing that worry, then let it go as I know that I’ve done all I can do to help the situation.  Essentially, it’s all a matter of recognizing where you are and doing what is necessary to let go of the negative energy, replacing it with positive.

I rather like spending time at 2 and 3 as well.  Feeling passion or enthusiasm for whatever I’m doing really goes hand in hand with feeling joy.  As far as I’m concerned, you really can’t have one without the other, so when I’m feeling joyful, it is a direct result of feeling passionate and enthusiastic about my life and whatever I’m doing with it at a moment in time.

That could be dancing and chatting with my friends or spending a quiet day working on my book, or even making my living space a little more liveable.  Right now, it will also mean working on the class which starts next weekend and will bring me that much closer to my life purpose.

“Life Purpose”.  Now there’s one to really try to wrap your head around!  Each incarnation brings with it some purpose, some lesson we are here to accomplish.  Some people find theirs early on, while others, like me, take longer to get there.  It doesn’t mean we’re slower, it just means that our purpose requires a lot more life experiences before we can truly manifest that purpose.  I realize, at this point, that my parents’ suicides, my seemingly ill-advised marriage, my rift with one of my daughters and all of the other experiences I’ve had or am having are all part of what makes me the right person for the job.

I had to have those experiences, learn from them and evolve before I was anywhere near ready for the task which awaited me.  Am I done learning what I need to know before embarking on that all-important purpose?  It’s hard to say, but I do know that I’m seeing doors opening more quickly these days, and know I’m getting closer.  But even when I finally reach the top of that mountain, the lessons won’t stop.  Effectiveness depends on continued education, just as a teacher must continue to learn in order to teach her students (and often, those lessons come from the students, themselves), fulfillment of purpose requires continued evolution and adaptation to the environment.

As a child, we are like a sponge, learning everything and anything.  As an adult, we need to learn to be open and sponge-like again, as we often let ourselves get stuck in a single area instead of allowing ourselves to be open to whatever comes our way.

My gratitudes today are:

1. I am grateful for the many lessons I’ve been given.
2. I am grateful for my loving, caring friends who teach me so much about life.
3. I am grateful for the progress I’ve made, and the progress I continue to make towards my life purpose.
4. I am grateful for the opportunity to enrich my experience by learning something new.
5. I am grateful for continued abundance in health, opportunities, learning and prosperity.

Love and light

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