WARNING!!!  THIS POST IS GOING TO RAMBLE ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH NO PARTICULAR DESTINATION.  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 🙂

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Today, Heather with her gimpy shoulder and me with my used and abused knees decided to brave the early Christmas shopping crowd.  2 1/2 hours at Kohl’s, stops at Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond, and the final insult to our aching bodies, Trader Joe’s, later, we’d both managed to do sufficient damage to our bank accounts and Christmas lists.  Having a couple of additions to our gift list is making the whole process even more fun than it was last year when Mathom became a fully-functioning part of the crazy mix.  I think (and I know I say this every year only to prove myself wrong) I’m about done with the under the tree gifts with just a few more stocking stuffers to find, but I know that I’ll either think of something else or see that perfect something for someone special between now and Christmas (Chanukah is so close on my heels that I figure I’m safe between now and then!) and will just HAVE to have it!!! 

Granted, there are a couple of traditional items I have yet to fulfill, but with changes in the retail scene, I’m going to have to travel further afield this year to make those happen!  No matter.  I love the process!!!

Meanwhile, my boys seem to be requiring more and more attention lately.  I woke this morning with Dylan purring around my head, Toby draped across my body, purring and demanding skritches with both hands, please, and Scooby standing guard on the nightstand!  Even as I sit here typing, Dylan is laying on the mouse, and every time I try to use it, he starts to wash my hand!  I really do adore my big, furry stress relievers!

Every so often, usually when I’m in need of some particularly mindless background noise, I’ll turn the TV to an episode of “Sex in the City”.  However, each time I watch the show, I find myself thinking “now there is my dream job.  getting paid to sit in front of my computer and write a daily column.”  Not that mine would be anything like the one written by the fictional Carrie Bradshaw, but I could definitely see me spending at least part of my day writing about whatever tickled my fancy that day.  (sort of like what I do here except that the posts might actually have a point!)  It gets me wondering if a typical writer who actually makes a living at it really does have friends who do lunch?  I find it hard to believe that someone like Nora Roberts or Catherine Coulter or Mercedes Lackey or maybe Anne McCaffrey would be able to write so many books if they were running around, buying shoes and lunching with the girls all the time.  I find it more believable that for every 8 hours I spend in an office making money for someone else, they spend a minimum of two in front of their computer, writing, editing and fretting over dialogue.  And that doesn’t count the hours they spend researching their latest idea so the reader doesn’t say “I live in that town and I assure you it’s nothing like what she described!” 

This train of thoughts leads me to the next stage which is envy for the women who can come up with so many story ideas to capture their readers’ attention and imagination.  I thought at one time that I was fairly creative, but to come up with a complete story line like that, and to do it over and over is nothing short of amazing!  I have a collection of short stories, book starts and dreadful poetry to my name, but nothing that will ever see anyone’s eyes but my own.  However, there are also ideas inside me which could well see the light of day if I could just figure out how to formulate them into something entertaining to others.  Yes, I am highly entertained by my own babbles!  Someone has to be!    I’ve gotten through many a sleepless night weaving stories for myself (and starring me, of course!). 

I’ve even thought about attending one of those writer’s conventions but fear I’d feel like such a fraud, rubbing elbows with women who really do get out there, write, suffer rejections, write some more, and eventually get published.  Heck!  I can’t even settle on what genre to write to.  The only one I’ve truly ruled out is romance as I tend to be somewhat socially retarded.  I am happy observing the mating dances of others when I’m out and about.  That is not to say that I won’t, someday, sit down and write a seduction scene just to see how it would turn out.  Who knows?  It might be the greatest comedy seduction scene ever written.  “As he reached out to brush the hair off her face, a sudden noise caused her to turn her head quickly, and instead of a tender moment, she got, quite literally, a poke in the eye!”    Yes, that’s not only my speed, but a more accurate assessment of my crazy, beautiful, unpredictable, klutzy life!  And I have heard it said that you should write what you know! 

Write what I know….well, let’s see… on the lighter side, kitty antics and crazy holiday traditions.  On the darker side, suicidal parents and scissors wielding, child abusing grandmother meets OCD, bi-polar mother and intimacy challenged father.  No wonder I’m a mass of contradictions wrapped up in the guise of a recovering member of the low self-esteem society.  On the lighter side, though, is the realization that I have overcome some of my dark and twisty past.  I’ve come a long way from the mildly depressed woman with a persecution complex.  I can truly see the positive aspects of everything I’ve gone through, from the ugly messy divorce to my mom’s suicide. to the estrangement of one of my daughters to my dad’s suicide to my jump from job to job, and from one abusive relationship, workwise or otherwise, to another.  Each step was a lesson.  Some lessons were repeated almost infinitely until I “got it”, but each has taught me something, even if it is only gratitude for having taken charge of my own life. 

While shopping with my daughter today, our conversation jumped around almost as much as this post does.  One of the topics was examples set by parents.  My daughter mentioned that her husband’s parents were not the greatest example of a lasting relationship, but his grandparents’ relationship was and is truly amazing!  Thankfully, her husband seems to have learned his values and his behaviour from his grandfather.  I said that I wasn’t really a great example either, as I had a failed relationship and years of nothing to my credit.  But I also realized, and said so, that I had, after awhile, realized that I had to get my own house in order before I could attract a successful, mutually beneficial relationship, so cutting myself off at the pass, as it were, was an inspiration, albeit blind at the time.  Essentially, until I became the love of my life, I couldn’t hope to attract someone else who could be too.  Granted, although I am truly in love with myself these days, I’m still sitting on the sidelines as far as dating goes.  I’m still watching the other women attracting the men, and simply enjoying the company of the men for the occasional dance or two, myself.  In some ways, I suppose I’m still afraid to stick my toe in the water for fear I’ll get an alligator or a snake instead of someone warm, loving and caring.  I also still have that fear from my younger days of making an ass of myself when I find that I’m attracted to someone.  I eventually learned to just keep my distance, but we all know how ineffective that is at attracting someone in the right way.  Especially at this age when single men have become more scarce and lonely women are on the upswing, sitting back and watching is guaranteed to be a solo seat. 

Which brings me to another area where I’m sadly lacking.  As I’ve mentioned before, I see groups of people at Borderline who get together to dance, but also have other activities they share with the people they surround themselves with there.  Some women attend cultural events together, other groups and couples enjoy other forms of recreation like hiking or jeeping or horses.  I’m one of the few who really only has an outside relationship with my daughter.  When she isn’t around, I’m alone in the crowd, even as I laugh and chat with everyone.  It didn’t hit me until I thought back on a night when I was alone at my table with groups on both sides, and one of my friends commented a couple of times that I didn’t have to be alone.  I could join her and her group of friends.  But it just didn’t feel right, although I know they’d have made me feel welcome.  And it wasn’t that I wasn’t having a good time dancing, people watching and having the occasional conversation.  The truth is, I’ve gotten too good at being a self-sufficient loner. 

Sure, I’ve dabbled in some outside activities with some of the Borderline people, but it seems to be more of a one off thing than anything else.  Even the semi-regular visits to the High Street have disappeared of late. 

Which sort of brings me back to the middle of this post.  Perhaps the time is right to find that writer’s group and start working on being what I clearly love.  What I want, though, is an established group (and, as I found out the hard way, one which has its direction in books as opposed to screenplays) who would welcome someone who, for all intents and purposes, is a complete neophyte.  Because honestly, a couple of creative writing courses and years of scribbling only for my own benefit plus another year of blogging do not exactly make me an experienced writer.  They just make me someone who writes stuff down. 

Here it comes!  Hold onto your hats!  I’ve arrived at a Point!  My newest Intention is to find, join and participate in a writers’ group with the direct intention of actually writing the first of many books, stories, articles and columns!  But this intention actually has two parts.  By finding this group and becoming an active participant, I intend to form friendships with people with whom I have something in common besides dancing. 

Wow!!  I think this is one of the longest, most convoluted ways I’ve reached a point in a long time.  And that’s saying a lot for the woman whose motto is “Make your point in 10,000 words or more.” 

At the end of the day, this one has already proven to be quite successful in many ways, and it ain’t over yet!!!  I still have several hours in which I can accomplish the rest of my goals for the day!

OK, I have to add a few more words as, at last count, I was at 1983.   (believe it or not, before this sentence, I was at exactly 2000 words!)  Is there a point to this?  Yes, my friends, there is!  As I continue to be consistent with my writing (and yes, you saw correctly, there was no December 1st post, but I’m beyond the point where missing a single day makes me inconsistent), I am striving to not only increase the number of posts I’ve written, but to increase the size and quality as well.  What?  Was that another Intention I heard??  Why yes, I do believe it was!  But to put it more clearly, I INTEND to write at least 2000 words per day on a regular basis!  Can I hear an “Amen, sister”???

Ooops!!!  Almost forgot my gratitudes! 

1. I am grateful for a thought process which, although highly convoluted, eventually works things out to my best advantage.
2. I am grateful for a successful, enjoyable and highly entertaining day of shopping with my daughter.
3. I am grateful to have my kids back near me so we can share activities we’ve always enjoyed sharing.
4. I am greatful for Joy, both holiday and every day.  There is so much positive energy in the air right now that it fairly crackles!
5. I am grateful for the opportunity to share holiday traditions and silliness with an ever-expanding group, of an ever-expanding Family.  I love you all, and you KNOW who you are!!!

Love and light

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