I’ve finally succumbed to pressure and am taking my blog off of Facebook so, at the recommendation of my daughter and best friend, all previous posts are being reposted here (I only hope this thing will hold them all!

Blog Part 1 (where it all began)

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So, Joleen has inspired me. I haven’t done so well writing in the journal which is strategically placed next to my bed, so I thought I’d try an online version. So here goes. So let’s assume that, if the throat chakra controls what is or should be said, and a sore or raspy throat is the result of repressed, unexpressed feelings, then, a migraine might be connected to the crown chakra. That being said, what is being repressed when the crown chakra sees fit to give pain (often accompanied by dizziness, numbness in the extremities and, in worst cases, at least in my opinion, revisiting this morning’s bowl of oatmeal rather abruptly)? Can one be spiritually repressed? Or perhaps, receiving an overabundance of input which rubs, like sandpaper on a raw wound, against one’s own beliefs and spiritual attachments? If that is the case, it would certainly behoove the migraine sufferer to get to the bottom ( or maybe in this case, it’s the top?) of the matter, purge the influences which are creating havoc (not to be confused with the aforementioned oatmeal purge) and open up that spiritual center to receive the necessary signals again? This thought bears pondering as well as an attempt to put it into practice. I’ll post more as my research continues.

Entry number 2-March 9, 2010
Ok, so I’m 2 for 2 adding to my little blog-fest here. Stayed home sick another day, felt wretched but a few more hours of sleep and kitty cuddles seems to have done the trick. Haven’t gotten any further pondering the connection between the migraines and crown chakra, though input from a friend has given me cause to ponder in other directions as well. Could definitely be a blockage that needs to be opened. Got some work done, then gave myself permission to take the rest of the day off (ok, so it took two sessions with naps in between to get everything done, but the naps were necessary, as were the cuddles.) I feel a lot better tonight though appetite continues to be iffy, but that’s ok. It’ll come back long before I really want it to! I’m definitely leaning towards the spiritual blockage theory, and tried to do some meditating today, but the body really just wanted sleep. I’ll keep trying as I think that, given time and persistence, I’ll have a breakthrough or two to share here. Meanwhile, working on getting the healthy elements into my system and the unhealthy ones out via controlled breathing. Probably why I feel so much better since my last nap as I did some breathing in of healthy energy and breathing out of the unhealthy before I slept. Was up again within a couple of hours and temp was back near normal and I felt that I had finally slept enough. Good sign, and even better, going back to work tomorrow to take care of the things I had to let slide the last couple of days. I could only focus for so long on so much. The good news is, the auditor only had a couple of questions which I was able to answer satisfactorily. But then, he’s only just started, but it still looks like we’re still in the running, which should certainly make a few people happy for now. I think, in the interests of continuing to promote the return of my good health, I’ll keep this short and get to sleep earlier than normal.

Entry number 3-March 10, 2010

I must be feeling better tonight! I just noticed that I’d put 2009 on the last two entries and didn’t even notice! Anyway, its Wednesday night and my stomach is back where it belongs, headaches have stopped and I feel pretty perky. I’m going to try another meditation tonight to see if I can find any explanations for blockages or meandering off paths or anything which might give clarity to the last few days which, admittedly have been spent more asleep than awake! Now I know how it feels to be a cat (except for the washing with the tongue part. I don’t think I could ever get into that, even if I did have the ability!). I have had a strong desire to get all of my ducks in a row lately, though, getting paperwork organized, issues I’ve left sitting dealt with and such. If the next thing I feel is a strong need to clean house, I’ll know that there are some big changes in the winds! Some people believe that’s true anyway, given all of the activity on the Pacific Rim lately.
But does anyone but me find it strange that a 7 or 8 point earthquake in Haiti or Indonesia can cause a major stir, but one on Japan or Australia causes hardly a murmur? I’d think that the propensity for strong earthquakes in any of these regions was pretty commonplace by now, and that people would have learned to adapt, just as a 4 or 5 pointer in California barely gets our attention, but the reactions are worlds apart, depending upon which country is experiencing yet another strong tembler. Could it just be a willingness, or, as in the cases of Japan and Australia, an UN willingness to accept handouts? Like the OJ trial when they played the “race” card, do some of these countries play the “pity me” card, showing half naked children walking around the streets. Never mind that it’s the middle of summer and nobody wants too much clinging to their skin, and never mind also that in so many of the clips I’ve seen, the kids are smiling. Smiling! If things are so horrible, why would they be smiling? And frankly, they don’t look like they’re starving and disease ridden like some of the clips they let us see of African children. Or are they using reverse psychology and only showing the shiny smiling faces after the benevolent Americans have brought order to their chaos and chocolate bars to their mouths? For a fairly well educated society, we sure are easily led around by our money! Especially when that money is taken overseas to help some poor, destitute village. Why, in Heaven’s name, don’t those rich, fat Haitians help their own people instead of sitting back in their villas and letting the rest of the world take care of them? Maybe its just me, but there are simply way too many things wrong with the pictures when the hands are held out for aid from anywhere but their own governments. What happened to “charity begins at home”?

And that ends today’s rant. Thank you for listening.

Entry number 5-March 11, 2010

On a roll here, now! Look at me, Joleen! I know I’m a long way from the volumes you have, but slow and steady…. Finally back to full healthy, and boy, am I grateful! Got out and danced a lot tonight, which felt great and probably sweated off the last of the evil germies that had invaded my body. Still trying to figure out what, if anything, was blocked to cause serial migraines, but nothing except some very strange dreams so far. Attraction of friendly people (and green lights all the way down Hillcrest!) seems to be continuing. Further proof that like attracts like. Did have one gal with a burr up her….misconstrue, but heck, you just can’t please em all! She sure didn’t ruin my good time! I hope she finds her peace, though. Going through life crabby and angry doesn’t do anyone any good. I found that out the hard way!
Cats were quite annoyed that I didn’t stay home another day keeping them warm and snuggly, but I don’t see them going out and earning their daily kibble. Need to do some thinking on developments at work, but will have a couple of days to do that while the sales team is out partying and celebrating all of their hard work from last year.

Not much to say tonight, so I’ll cut it short and go give the furry children what they are demanding. Blessed be.

March 12, 2010

This entry is going in early as I can’t get a strange dream from last night out of my mind. In the dream I had several female relatives, could have been sisters or cousins, and we were all about the same age. We went home to what turned out to be an enormous house on what could only be described as a fully self-contained town. The town had an airport, some kind of factory, farmland, and a great deal I didn’t get to see in the dream. At one point, someone asked if anyone wanted to joust. Several men as well as one other woman and I expressed interest. We then went to what I can only describe as a huge junk room in the house looking for equipment. In the dream, I thought how nice it would be to have a house so big that a junk room this size was only a small part of it, but that I wouldn’t want to be responsible for keeping the place clean. The junk room, however, was anything but. As we rooted around looking for jousting equipment, several of my cats kept coming into the room, and I kept chasing them out as I didn’t want them to get locked in. There was one man in the dream who didn’t go to the house with our group, but kept popping up, and I kept asking someone “what is HE doing here!” It seemed that one of the reasons we were there was so the men of the family could make sure all of the single women got “attached” to a man. It seemed that this was the man who had either chosen or been chosen for me. I didn’t particularly dislike him, but the fact that a choice was being made for me.
This man and I got separated from everyone else after digging through the junk room, and were attempting to find our way back through a series of elevators and hallways. We eventually ended up in a large yard which was deep inside this family complex, and which contained industrial type containers. We were each holding a canister of some kind, (it seemed like they contained fuel for a plane or something) which were quickly taken from us and we were told to go use showers of the sort used industrially to wash contaminants and such off of skin after exposure.
As I didn’t write this down as soon as I woke up, much has been lost, but the fact that this much remains in my memory lends me to believe that there is a message to be taken from this dream.

The questions I have at the moment are:
Who or what does this man represent?
Who or what does this family owned and inhabited town represent?
As my actions were typically against the norm, what conflict or potential conflict does this represent?

The fact that my cats were there and that I was concerned for their safety lends me to believe that this place or concept does represent home to me in some way.
The fact that, despite my annoyance with the circumstances, there was a friendly camaraderie with the man leads me to believe that this is someone who is or could become a close friend.

That’s the end of this installment, although, now that I’ve written everything I remember down, I suspect that, later tonight, there will be a part B to today’s babble. Blessed be.

March 15, 2010

Egads! I missed a couple of days! Not a whole lot to say anyway, but still, don’t want to start missing in the beginning. Kinda like cheating on a diet almost before you begin. Dreams are still weird and cats are still snuggly and needing to be close, but still no real clues. Although, I have digressed from huge family homes to just a nice apartment/condo kind of thing in most recent dreams. Am I starting to feel cubbyholed, maybe? A lot of things indicating expanding my horizons, mostly personally. That would mean stepping out of my comfort zone even more than I already have (but I must be doing something right as I’m sure getting more dancing in lately, and, wonder of wonders, my stamina has increased dramatically!). I really need to key into what’s going on around me more, though. I feel like I’m more oblivious than usual, if that’s possible!
Spending more time each day meditating (although, I still haven’t mastered the not falling asleep part!) and it seems to be bringing more calm and relaxed feelings towards everything around me. Definitely a good thing. I think, once I get really consistent with this li’l journal o’ mine, I’ll start doing daily tarot readings again too. That always helps me see things I might be missing. And I’m still feeling like there’s something right outside my circle of senses that I need to recognize, but just can’t bring into focus yet. I really hate that feeling, but know that trying to force it is more likely to push whatever it is further away. I just need to relax, and, like a small, timid animal, let it approach me when its ready. And of course, patience is NOT my strong suit!
However, I’ll keep this blog updated with any new developments. For now, sleep well, dream lucidly and practice random acts of kindness.

Almost forgot to mention that Heather made a lovely baked shrimp scampi tonight from a recipe she saw on the Food Network. It was mega yum, and there are leftovers! I can definitely get to enjoying this! We’re trying to plan ahead so that whoever gets home first can get something started so we eat at a more reasonable hour, and from more healthy choices. Can’t hurt the sleep patterns and the brain work either! My turn to cook tomorrow, but we have a couple of easy roasts I can throw in before she gets home from work. I’ve definitely gotten pretty spoiled of late!

March 17, 2010

So, I’m noticing an increasing sense of, not exactly discord, but ennui, a lack of caring, for want of a better description, occurring around me of late. It’s almost as if people are tired of making an effort, so they are just detaching, giving up, going through the motions. I am working harder on keeping up my positive attitude and my own momentum, but have noticed that, when I drop my diligence, I, too, can succumb to this feeling. In an effort to counteract the effects, I’ve increased my meditation time to at least 20 minutes per day, although, most days, I get at least two sessions. Today, I was even able, for the first time in awhile, to do a third eye meditation, although I had to keep pulling myself back from my mind wandering down strange paths. It’s almost like the dark in Lord of the Rings that just creeps over everything, and is there before anyone notices it’s happening. I feel certain that this phenomenon hasn’t escaped the notice of those who tend to be more aware, and, perhaps, this is why a lot of the groups have been talking about this negative energy for quite awhile. I know that I tuned a lot of them out, calling them gloom and doomers, because I believed, and still do that positive energy is a strong resistor to this, but it appears that either talking about it in so many places has given it the energy to expand, or that there just aren’t enough people practicing reinforcement of the “light”.
Where I’m going with this long and wordy explanation (why use 2 words when you can use 50, after all! :)) is really back to my original positing. What message is trying to get through to me lately? There is a strong possibility that this is at least part of the message. It’s time for me to wake up and put my positive energy and anything else I can bring to the cause into promoting light. What some people call being a “lightworker”.
Goes back to conversations I’ve had with a friend over the last few years. In some cases, my purpose is to guide and teach people how to use their abilities to help strengthen the Universal mind and bring peace and prosperity through positive thought and action, rather than by “fighting” those things we oppose. Use our strong emotional energy to bring about what we want, rather than expending it on what we don’t want. In other cases, my purpose is to be a warrior or a protector, creating “safe” areas in which others are able to build greater energy nodes which can ultimately be used to surround and shrink those dark places, envelop them with love and light so their lower vibrating emotions can no longer survive. It seems, from what I’m seeing lately, that it is time for me to expend a great deal of my energy, my spirituality, into pure, unadulterated Joy.

If anyone is actually reading this besides me, I encourage thoughts on this, as well as any suggestions you might have. We all look at this aspect of our being from our own experiences and beliefs, and, at times, we can be rather myopic in missing part of the picture, simply because our own belief patterns don’t typically go down a particular thought path.

In the meantime, I’m going to weave a few more layers into my house shield, and forge a stronger connection to the energy node which resides under my house. It is glowing a very bright, healing, growing green right now, which is very encouraging.

Love and light.

March 18, 2010

Hooeeeee, had an incredible night of dancing tonight! Bill put me through some pretty wild moves and, with only a couple of exceptions, I really kept up with it today! Stamina is getting better and better, as is overall attitude. Now I just need to get my knees, feet and other assorted joints to catch up! Gym time! Hard to wind down from a night like this. My idea of heaven is surely being on the dance floor for the better part of 4 hours! And Heather is still there! Silly child has become as much of an addict as me! So much fun to share a passion with my daughter like this!
Was chatting with two gals who are massage therapists, and we started talking about animal totems and gravitated to he healing powers of stones. It turns out that certain stones, including lapis, are good for migraines! I’d have never guessed. I’ve asked Heather to make me a bracelet (and she really should make one for herself as well!). There are some really interesting people where I dance, and I’m only recently getting to know just how interesting some of them are! One guy is a Reiki healer. I’d really love to sit down and talk to him about it, as it’s a subject that’s always interested me. I do a certain amount of healing of my own, but nothing on nearly that level.

Spent the better part of the day working on a project, so I wasn’t really impacted by feelings and attitudes of others, although I did answer a few questions during the day. So I don’t really know if the “just getting by” feeling persisted or not. I suspect its still there as I don’t see something like that just disappearing from one day t the next, but I wasn’t affected by it in any way today. Of course, that could also be a result of adding layers to my shields. I think I’ve also finally figured out how to block certain things, while allowing others, and although I may not feel the affects of negative energy, I can still be aware of it so that I can react if necessary to protect myself and those around me from any fall out. Of course, doing things which bring me joy is a sure-fire way to repel anything which isn’t joyful. I was definitely a repeller of things not joyful today, and that thought alone brings me all the more joy. I’ve found that I’m hitting a lot more green lights lately too! Funny how it just keeps snowballing. I knew it would, on a conscious level, but it still amazes me as I see it really happening.

Thought for the day, practice copious random acts of joy!

March 19, 2010

And now, for tonight’s edition of the blog saga. (or would that be bloga?). Another good, productive day and I even got a nice walk on an incredibly beautiful day! Of course, after last night’s dancing, I had to get out and stretch my legs as every time I got up from my desk, I swear, my bones were creaking! But my massage tomorrow should have me right as rain for dancing tomorrow night! Positive thoughts and abundant joy continue to bring green lights, blue skies and smooth sailing for me. I find that I’m getting sucked into negative conversations a lot less frequently too. I’m feeling less stress coming off of other people, as if we have all waded through the mire and muck and have cleared our paths. A great way to go into a weekend! March has, for the most part, been a fun and relaxing month, but April is shaping up to be wild, crazy and fun! Not only do we have tickets to see Sugarland at the Santa Barbara Bowl (now one of my favorite venues), but my dance buddy and I are going to LAPD to do a little dancing and workshopping. I decided that to fully enjoy it, we needed to have a room to go back to to change clothes, relax away from the crowds, and get cleaned up every few hours, so we’ll stay over Saturday night. It’ll be a blast and the kitties won’t really have time to miss us too badly.

More thoughts on meanings of things. One dream last night had me exchanging harsh words with someone I’m not overly fond of. The woman shrank visibly before my eyes after I hurled some hurtful words at her. Although what I said was truthful, I still felt bad about making HER feel small. A good reminder to be conscious of what I say to people and how I make them feel. In short, always try to keep it positive and avoid saying hurtful things. Regardless of the provocation, unkindness hurts all concerned. Also heard today that a former classmate of my daughters was killed in a car accident caused by a teenager in an SUV on her cell (not clear yet whether she was talking or texting, but she ran a red light killing a driver and passenger). The young woman was very close to her mother, and I just can’t help hurting for her, knowing that losing Heather would devastate me, to say the least. I heard about it from a friend who is also very close to her daughter. But the blessing here is that we do have close relationships with our daughters! That is the joy I take out of this. Remembering to appreciate Heather every single day! My throat has been especially cloggy today, so maybe I’m not letting her know enough? I’ll definitely have to rectify that!

My protector kitty boys are especially snuggly tonight, so I guess they’re feeling neglected. Dylan was laying on the sofa with his head and front paw on my arm. Toby just drapes himself like a big, furry blanket.

My healing thoughts go out tonight to friends and acquaintances who have lost someone recently, and to my daughter Jenni who is traveling a rough path, that she may ultimately see that she doesn’t need to fight everything so hard. I hope that she realizes sooner than later that what I do and say is because I love her and want the best for her.

I didn’t get my mid day meditation in, so I need to try to do a longer one tonight. Thoughts aren’t coming out very smoothly, but I do feel that clarity is starting to come to me.

Love and light.

March 24, 2010

Oy! I just realized that it’s been DAYS since I updated this! Too many nights out dancing, I guess. As it looks right now, the only nights I’ll miss are Tuesday and Friday! My bones are telling me about it already, but as soon as I recognize the aches, I have to be grateful and joyful that I can still do things which cause me to ache some. And I can still stretch to make those joints feel better! Life is good!

So Heather got through the bounced check fiasco, but her knew employer is constantly coming up with new ways to amaze her!

And I spoke to a DCAA auditor today about something which was thrown out as “non-compliant” a few months ago, but this time, (and this auditor) seemed to go away happy, or happier, anyway. Progress is a good thing!

I continue to work on staying calm and focused, and on being more kind. Time will tell if my efforts are effective, but by no means will they ever be for nothing.

Reconnecting, at least adding as friends, family members from Mom’s side. I should look up some of dad’s side one of these days too. Also need to get back to the research Joleen started for me on my ancestry, although it appears that I may find a lot who didn’t escape Europe when Mom’s family did may have perished in Warsaw or Auschwitz. I’m not sure, right now, how good the record-keeping was, or how much I’ll be able to find, but it sure is worth a try. I also need to see if I can find any more leads on dad’s side of the family. They were in the U.S. longer, so I’d think I could find some records. I need to find Grandma Rosie’s birth certificate, though, so I have the right last name.

So many things running through my head today. The auditor called right about the time I was going to do my afternoon meditation, so maybe that’s why I’m a bit more scattered tonight. But I did come home from two-step rather energized. Finished the laundry from last night, took a shower and washed my hair and took care of a couple of other things. Looks like I may even get to bed early so Mr. Dylan and Mr. Toby get more cuddle time. Patches is patiently waiting for hers as well tonight.

OK, can’t even think clearly enough to put thoughts down tonight, but I didn’t want to miss another day. I did change the title on this so it doesn’t look like it’s one, long, single day’s ramble. I’m off to scoop the sandbox and head for bed. Sending more good thoughts out to Joleen who’s meeting with hr birth family.

March 26, 2010

Not a lot on my mind worth sharing today, but wanted to make sure I got an entry in anyway. Cats have been especially clingy the last few days, and Toby has been the worst, although Dylan stays close too. Weather is unpredictable, hot and sunny one day, fog, clouds and looking like rain the next (and how cliche is that, to talk about the weather?). But that may be what has the cats all goofy.

We all seem to have Spring fever, or maybe, Spring Break fever at work lately. Maybe that is where what I perceived as ennui was headed. Not so much bored, but ready for a change of some kind, something to shake the dust out of our brains. For me, I added more nights of dancing this week, and it really feels good (although the hot shower when I get home is definitely a close second!). And as an added bonus, I’m sleeping through the night, and not having so many disturbing dreams! Still some weird ones, but not so disturbing.

I stole a quote about political correctness from Joleen’s wall today because it so beautifully captured my feelings on the subject! I guess I need to peruse my friends’ walls and info more often to mine these gems of wisdom.

I will endeavor to get some more interesting stuff in here, even if I have to just type some recipes. The last few posts have been pretty dull, even by my standards!

Blessed be.

March 27, 2010

Another fabulous night of dancing! It just keeps getting better and better lately (although my knees are taking issue with the increase in activity and need a bit of coddling, but I’ve found that a hot shower soon after dancing is a big help, and as an added bonus, makes me sleep better!). Today, my appetite took a nose dive, leaving me able to eat only small amounts at a time. I think this is a good thing, especially when combined with the added activity. It seems that my “request” for a fit, trim, healthy body is now being implemented. Increased energy level = greater inclination to dance more nights and decreased appetite = reduction in calories available so resources have to be consumed. Interesting how that works, and how very logical and mathematical. As I’ve always known, it can take time from the point that we put those requests out to the Universe and the point where we actually see the requests starting to come to fruition. I know this one is going to take some time, but the very fact that I see things starting to change for the better lets me know that the process is underway. So now, I’ve seen one major request start being fulfilled when my vision improved over last year, and the retinal scar actually shrank. This is the second major request I’m seeing begin to happen. I’m going to be more inclined to ask for the bigger things now, knowing that, even if I don’t see any indications for awhile, they will come in their own time. And some things, I’m sure, are interrelated even though I don’t necessarily make the connection myself. The Universe does and puts things together until I recognize the connections myself.

Heather and I are taking a lot of teasing about being “popular” these days because we spend more time on the dance floor than off, but the truth is, not only have we become a known quantity because we’re there most of the time, but both of our attitudes have improved tremendously in the last 6 months or so. We’re happy, having a good time, joking and laughing with the people around us, and, heck, it’s a lot easier and more pleasant to approach a smiling person than a frowning one. Which reminds me, I may have been a little harsh with a friend tonight. She’s had a bad breakup with a b/f and I understand, but every time I see her, she launches into her anger about it. I finally said, look, I know you’re angry, but I come here to have a good time. Happily, she seemed to take it well, and relaxed and laughed and had a good time herself, despite the fact that he arrived later in the evening. I give her lots of credit for not letting it keep her from coming to a place she enjoys. It’s big enough and crowded enough that they can stay away from each other if that’s what they want.

So, in the next few weeks, I hope to share what I’ll be asking the Universe for now. Granted, the path opens up, but I still have to put forth the effort, but if it’s something I really want, then it’s really a labor of love, even if it’s self-love. 🙂

Blessed be.

March 28, 2010

Sitting here, relaxing after a long, fun, eventful day. Got up early and went to breakfast with Heather, did our Costco shopping, then off to Candy’s dance workshop. What fun! Today’s pattern wasn’t quite as challenging as the last one, but the level of dancers was also more consistent which made it easier for all of us. I can’t wait to practice with some of the guys who were there over the next few weeks (intermixed, of course, with the patterns Joe teaches us on Wednesdays). And I’m forced to admit that I am, again becoming a serious dance addict. Although I actually missed two days this week (horrors!), and will miss 3 next week (even more horrible horrors!), I’ve gone from my two nights of being on the dance floor most of the evening, to 3-4 where only one night is, for the moment, less of a workout. But even that will change as I get better at WCS. Heather is getting better and better, too. I can see her two-step smoothing out tremendously, and her following improving as well. She’s mastered a lot of the line dances, and even, on some nights, dances more than I do!! Have I created a monster? She’s ready to bump her schedule up another night too. And because of us, more of the moms with older daughters are encouraging their kids to join us as well! This is truly a win-win for all. Moms get to spend more time with their daughters, Heather makes more new friends, and we all get our exercise in a fun and (mostly) painless manner! And the dance community is really a great bunch of people. They truly watch out for their own. And all of the hugs are such a wonderful bonus! (I think guys who dance give better hug too!)

We also got a chance to join Annette at the High Street Broadcast. Tonight’s serial was King Fu Elvis and was, as usual, hysterical. They also did one about an Irishman who fell in love with a woman who was promised to another man, and had to fight for her hand. Again, funny as heck! I definitely need to make time to catch up with Annette. We’re ships passing in IM or email lately.

Off to finish my day with a little scrabble.

Blessed be.

Just realized I left something out. We got home from the dance lesson to find the door to the garage open, and Loki peeking around it innocently (ok, as innocently as Loki can pull off!) We immediately started counting noses. The two worst offenders, Scooby and Munchkin were asleep on Heather’s and my beds, respectively. Dylan was walking around the house, crying his teensy little Maine Coon cry, Patches, predictably, was in the closet. But where was Toby? We called and searched all the usual places, to no avail. Heather went outside to search, and finally found him waiting outside the now closed door, looking very scared. Yes, Big, Bad, vicious, gigantic Toby was terrified about being locked out of the house! She brought him back in and I picked him up where he shook and snuffled for a few minutes before finally calming down from the trauma of his ordeal. Guess he’s big and bad on the outside, but just a scared baby who wants his mommy on the inside! And I can be sure he’ll be sprawled across my body enjoying skritches come bedtime tonight! Aren’t kids great?

Love and Light

March 30, 2010

Whew! Busy day, almost forgot to post my daily addition! Today was amazing! I got so many things done, even a surprise task or two which, thankfully, I had done most of previously, but it had been put on hold! Did a little recalculating and editing, and off it went!

I’m feeling very excited right now, but I’m not entirely sure why. That’s ok. Excited is good! I came home and got several things taken care of I needed to do, though I still have a couple more which I’ll address in the next few days! (bills being one.) I’m also feeling very connected and positive. No matter what happens, I just relax and think things through, act and move on. I’m sure to accomplish a great deal more while in this state of mind as I won’t spend too much time fretting over things. I hope I can pass this feeling on to those around me as well!

I’ve been stretching all evening as I have a weird stitch that goes from my right shoulder down to about my hip. Pulling my right arm around my body at an angle seems to help, but I think I’ll follow the advice and pick up some arnica montana in my travels tomorrow. Fortunately, I have a massage scheduled for Friday. If it still hurts, I’ll have her work on that part, maybe with some of the hot stones. Dang, that felt good!

Finding it easier to find joy and excitement in my days lately. The pull of forward progress is starting to gain speed. Heaven only knows where I’ll end up in the coming year, as strong as the pull is becoming.

Three day weekend coming up, then LAPD and the quarterly meeting. I can’t believe the first 3 months of 2010 have sped by so quickly! I’ve barely had time to catch a breath. The last week was quiet until late Friday, and it’s been spinning ever since, but it seems that I’ve been getting a few days of slowdown every now and then these days, before the craziness once again sets in. Getting a chance to catch my breath for a day or two is a really good thing, as long as it doesn’t last too long! Then I start wasting time and that’s not good either. So, I’m back to about 85% of normal speed, and that’s a comfortable pace.

Was going to get to bed before midnight tonight, but forgot I hadn’t done my entry, so here it is, 12 again. I guess that’s just my normal time, and there’s no use fighting it.

Until tomorrow, love and light.

March 31, 2010

Interesting and diverse day today. Again got a lot of things completed at work, and dinner with Naomi was delightful as always. Found out that Deanne and Ray are both sick, as is Raylinn, so I’m sending love and light out to all of them with lots of healing wrapped in.

Interesting conversation with Joleen tonight about the dream from a ways back. Her perception of the man who kept popping up was adamantly Christ-like, while I am, of course, adamantly opposed to that possibility as a christ-like figure is hardly likely to figure into the dreams of a Pagan-Jew. I’m also finding that, not only am I more and more positive these days, but that I am starting to have an overwhelming feeling of new developments, opportunities and extremely rapid forward motion. I likened it to the feeling you get when you’re pregnant and you suddenly know that the baby is coming very soon. Interestingly, it is almost a Spring Fever kind of feeling where I want to finish what I have in front of me so I can hurry up and get to the good part. Kind of like a boring, healthy dinner I need to finish before I can have double chocolate brownie ice cream. 🙂

Also joked back and forth with my cousin David today (after he posted a bad pun and a beautiful pic of his cat, Feral Fawcett.). After bringing up the Kozlowski crazy gene, I realized that I should compile a list of questions for Susan, Mona and Sybil to see if they can help me get further on my quest for the family.

EGAD, I just found out that I’ve known Candy longer than I thought! boggles the brain! But truly amazing that she remembers!!! Definitely some crazy stuff coming into my life and it will be hitting hard and fast very soon. I’m getting an image of racing somewhere very fast, scenery flashing by, no time to stop and look, just have to keep my nose pointed in the right direction, towards the goal. The question still remains, what is the goal, and, if the feeling of a mentor or companion or partner is accurate, who is it and when will I find out?

Of late, it seems like I have far more questions than answers, and with every question I type, my brain churns out 10 more. But I believe that’s how we learn. Ask questions, find answers which lead us to more questions. So tonight, when I go to sleep, I will hold the questions in my mind that my subconscious, either acting independently, or, more likely, in tandem with the Higher Mind, will start finding answers to the questions I’m raising.

And before I ramble any longer and muddy the waters, I will close this episode.

Love and light.

April 1, 2010

Well, I didn’t pull a single prank today, but got commissions mostly done (though we’ve discovered that our report has some inaccuracies I’ll need to address next week. If it ain’t one thing, it’s another! Job security for Rick! :)) We did have pizza and an easter egg hunt at work. What fun! But noooo jelly beans! egad! Another fantastic night of dancing, with great people and good music. Although I do wish the dance instructors would practice what they preach and refrain from doing a west coast when a line dance is in progress.

Tomorrow is a lovely day off perfect for a massage and getting my car smogged and registered. Maybe I’ll even get to my hair at long last! We apparantly had a downpour in the wee hours, and that is the extent of 2 days of storms we were promised. How disappointing, but the daffydowndillies are poking their heads out of the ground now, to smile at the sun and soak up what rain there is.

More joy and singing silly songs on my way to work. My green light song is gaining verses each and every day, and it seems to follow whatever song I get stuck in my head. (Thankfully, nothing by Taylor Swift or Kelly “dirty laundry” Pickler.)

Still feeling like I have some big changes (for the better, of course!) coming my way in the next near future. I’m hoping I’ll get some kind of indication of their nature soon so I can make sure I’m ready when the roller coaster starts it’s wild ride! And I do love roller coasters! Must go on the one in Cali Adventure this summer! It was amazing!!!

Going to keep this one very short as I see a ramble-fest coming if I sit her typing for much longer. Although it might get my brain to settle somewhere, it will be so much nonsense, so it’s a hot shower, a little meditating and sleep for this girl!

Love and light.

April 2, 2010

A wonderful day, over all. A day off from work, a very relaxing massage, browsing through a wonderful book shop, lunch in a little cafe, new books to read, an errand or two taken care of, and a cuddly nap with kitties. My idea of the perfect day!

I’m getting more and more indications that my feeling of a big change for the good is right on the mark. Silly little online psychics are even confirming, but when I pulled a rune after my massage, I got “infinity” and it clearly points to some major positive changes coming soon. I will do a tarot reading (with my new orange candle) tomorrow to see if I can get some idea of which part of my life will be most affected by this change so I know where to look and prepare. Hopefully, tonight’s dreams will also shed some light. I do want to delve further into the new tarot book I got to see if it can give me some guidance as to which spread might be most helpful under the circumstances. Talked cats for awhile with the shopkeeper. Turns out, she has a cat to rival Christine’s Bugsy, and my Munchkin. This cat is half Cornish Rex and half Abyssinian. EGAD! Smart, Crazy and hyper all in one cat! She said they’ve had to put everything away in cabinets as the cat gets into everything! Gotta love cat people!

So, I’m off to see what the Universe has in store for me now!

Love and Light.

April 7, 2010

Well, so far, this has been a week of changes, but none really to me, and for that, I am grateful as the changes which have happened to others have been tragic, from a major earthquake in Baja to 2 co-workers losing family members, Changes have certainly taken place. I have great hope that the tragedies have played themselves out and now we will see opportunities and great light for the remainder of this cycle. Many events for me in that direction over the next few weeks. LAPD dance classic this weekend, psychic fair next weekend and a guided meditation next week. I also pulled out the tarot cards and did a couple of readings with my new orange karma candle. looks to be interesting times for both me and Heather (and I’m seeing lots of things with 1’s, 11:11 catches my eye at least once every day lately!) Aces in spreads, and continued feelings of great opportunities just about to burst on the scene. I’m doing my best to stay open and alert to whatever is just around the next bend. Heather didn’t want to see the reading I did for her, for her own reasons, so I didn’t share it, but she may want to see it later. Right now, she’s busy with her sewing project and her friends, and that’s healthy in its own way. I sent Jenni a text just saying I love you, but haven’t heard anything back, not that I expected to. I needed to say it, so I did.
Knees are being cranky so I cut dancing short tonight, came home, stretched, took a hot shower. I found that, overall, I’m a lot more limber than I expected, could stretch further (except for hammies which are being testy, but I’ll make a point of giving them more attention) and I didn’t have any trouble getting down onto the floor, or back up off of it! Progress is a good thing! Just one more step towards my fit, trim, healthy body. It all comes together.

Still trying to get the disneyland thing together, but, worst case, Heather and I will go and to heck with em! I’d like to make it a two day thing so we don’t kill ourselves trying to see everything, but we’ll see how it goes. At the moment, I just need to get things done so I can take the time off! A whole week, if I can swing it. That will be amazing! I don’t think I’ve taken a whole week off in years!

But the kitties are feeling neglected so it’s time to call it a night and go do some cuddling. Toby has taken to lying on my with his nose in my ear, purring. What bliss!

Love and Light.

April 9, 2010

Wow! I’ve actually kept this going for a whole month (yes, I’ve missed days here and there, but it’s still going!) What is it they say about habits? It takes x days to make a new one? I’m either there or well on my way! Thanks again, Joleen!

This was a very interesting day. I got to work early as I was attending the funeral of one of my staff’s 20 year old son mid-day. I’d already seen kids in t-shirts saying “in loving memory of…” with his picture on the back the night before, but it sure didn’t prepare me for the number of kids at the service who came to say goodbye to their friend. These kids really took it seriously, too. Honestly, it looked like a number of the boys went out and bought black dockers and black dress shirts just for the occasion. I was impressed that they knew to dress a little nicer for a service in a church. But it was also sad that so many young people had to say goodbye to someone so young himself. Even sadder that it seems he took his own life. And nobody saw how troubled he was! Everyone who spoke said he was loving and caring, ready to listen and all. It makes me wonder if that’s another way to mask one’s own pain? I guess I’ve already discussed this at length here, but what I saw today is that, not only have all of the mothers in the office been given cause to think about how much we care about our children, even when they make us crazy, but it gave the boy’s friends cause to think about their friendships, how they’re manifested, who will always listen and not judge, and what might be going on if there is a friend who is always the one who will listen, but never the one to unload himself. It sort of goes back to what I learned in some supervisory classes about active listening. We are all guilty of listening via “uh huh…uh huh…you don’t say! uh huh…” It’s so important to look a person in the eye when they’re talking to you, and especially if they are trying to work out a problem. I know I’m very guilty of looking at the computer or mail or a book when Heather is talking to me. That stops right now. I do it with my staff too, answering email while they’re asking a question. Once again, out of sorrow comes a lesson, if we only see it and, not only see it, but act upon it! I’m grateful that I am taking something away from this experience, and am able to share it as well.

Anyway, on a happier note, Heather and I are heading for the LAPD Classic tomorrow, to do some dancing and some workshopping. Should be fun and a nice mini vacation for us. I know the kitties will be upset at being left over night, but they will get plenty of attention when we return. Maybe I’ll even make it to the line dance class Ralph was telling me about. 3-5 at the palace, intermediate level dances. Should be fun! Getting my dance on more and more of late!

OK, I’m starting to get sidetracked which means it’s time to end this and go get some sleep.

Love and light.

April 11, 2010

Back from a wonderful day and night of dancing and workshopping. Saw friends and acquaintances I hadn’t seen in awhile, learned some amazing new patterns and for a couple of dances and a new line dance to boot! (get it, boot? ) Did not, however, find a new pair of dance sneaks. They only had colors, and I wanted all black. Almost got Heather a pair of orange ones, but they didn’t have them in her size. how sad. 🙁 Missed my kitties, but slept very well on the hotel bed (ok, it was comfy, but getting in from dancing around 2:30 didn’t hurt!) And finally put to rest a comment made by a friend a couple of years ago that I didn’t get asked to dance because of my weight. I danced nearly as much as I wanted to and was definitely challenged! What fun!

Came home to some marvelous insight from friends. I love the fact that I’m starting to inspire some discussion, and really appreciate my friends’ perspectives into what is going on in my crazy brain!

OK, so what is today’s thought? Trying to sort out weird dreams I’ve had over the last few days, but of course, like the wind, they are gone in a blink! One theme which continues to weave itself through most of my dreams lately is the fact that both I and the people around me pretty much take our magical abilities for granted. We are all able to make things happen simply by exercising our will. It’s not about magic wands and mysterious chants. More a case of think it, and it is so. Of course, none of it is destructive or hurtful.

There could be a very logical explanation for these dreams. I have been doing a lot of reading on the subject lately and recently brought out my tarot cards again. I’m attending a psychic fair at the bookstore I visited a couple of weeks ago soon. All things considered, it’s definitely been on my mind. I am more keyed into the earth with so many large quakes closer to home lately, and when I’m home the cats keep me in their sight. And I continue to tell the Universe what I want, and watch it manifest.

Side note: Was sitting here, gazing into space, trying to put my thoughts together, and saw something I’ve been looking for for weeks! Guess when I can’t find something, I just need to let my mind wander, and it will appear before me!

Anyway, I enjoyed the company of friends this weekend to a great extent. Very positive, very inspiring, and very educational. Now I just need to remember the name of that line dance so I can ask Candy to add it to the schedule.

Love and light

April 14, 2010

What an amazing night! I’m just beside myself! The words are scrambling to get out and only succeeding in impeding each others’ progress, but here goes.

A friend from dancing invited me to attend a gathering of people who get together to, for lack of a better term, expand their spiritual horizons. They have a marvelous leader who encourages everyone to expand their horizons, dream the impossible, and really focus on not only achieving those dreams, but on teaching and healing people and, more importantly, the planet. The meeting ended with a guided meditation which was beyond anything I’d ever experienced! As he spoke, I went right to that “zone” where my body simply detaches itself and floats around, going who-knows-where for awhile. My mind, on the other hand, was filled with light and expanded until I truly felt as one with the Universe. I was a mountain with bright, white light spiralling up, down and around it. I was a body surrounded by an eye blinding white glow. As I drifted, all of the things which typically weigh me down just fell away. It was an amazing, freeing feeling. I left feeling refreshed, relaxed and energized!

Interestingly, the subjects of meditation and directed intent came up with a couple of different people at work today. The group leader stated that each of us in the room was a teacher, a healer or both. At first, I felt like a bit of a charlatan, but as the meeting continued, I realized that that is truly the way I’m heading. And yes, I have, over the last couple of years, asked to be a positive influence on the world. I want to have an impact on healing the wounds we have inflicted on Mother Earth, but also in teaching her children how to be everything they want to be, live in abundance and peace and love.

One person mentioned wanting to find their soulmate and have a loving, passionate relationship. That really resonated with me. Something to think about as this new story unfolds.

Oh, and when asked to state what I wanted, I said that I want a large piece of property far from the city where I can rescue and foster animals. What I didn’t include, but which is also part of the picture, is that on that property, there will be a big, beautiful house with a grand foyer, 2 great rooms, 2 curving staircases leading to the second floor where there will be a workout/dance room, an amazing and luxurious master suite, a state of the art office, and several guest rooms. The ground floor will boast one of the great rooms, a formal dining room, a kitchen designed for serious cooking and entertaining, a media room, and, of course, a cat room where there will be plenty of things to climb on and over and into. There will also be a two story library complete with rolling ladder and stocked with a wide variety of books from classics, to Sci Fi and Fantasy, to the many books I’ve been collecting on spirituality, and a special case with carved wooden boxes for all of my Tarot decks. There will be big, cushy chairs with excellent reading lights, a couple of tables for doing tarot readings or spreading out books to do research, and discreetly hidden computer equipment for expanded research into any subject that catches my fancy. I know that I will be adding to this picture in the coming days, weeks and months as I paint a beautiful picture of where I plan to be in the next few years. I wonder how Mr. Dylan will take to my rescue operations. I need to spend some time doing research on how to set that up properly as well.

Love and Light

April 15, 2010

So today I spent a lot of time thinking and talking about my experience last night, and talking to people about what truly constitutes “meditation”. A common misconception is that there is only one way to do it, when the truth is, anything which allows you to let your mind drift, and brings you peace is a form of meditation. For example, one of my staff loves to garden, and really feels at peace when she has her hands in the dirt. Sounds like meditation to me! Another really enjoys sewing and quilting, and can let go of the day’s stresses and worries while she creates. Sounds like meditation to me too! Another likes to relax in her spa after a long day. That works as well! The real key is letting go, releasing yourself from your worries and stresses for a little while. As far as I’m concerned, there are many levels and degrees. Last night, I experienced one I hadn’t experienced before. That doesn’t mean that the wonderful, floaty state I am achieving more and more often lately isn’t true meditating, it’s just different. And interestingly, a couple of people have commented on changes in my behaviour as a result of a few minutes of letting go each day. I’m willing to bet that my health and well-being are recognizing positive benefits as well. So many of us try to pack 10 pounds of shit into our 5 pound sack, and end up succeeding only by packing it so tightly, our spirit has no room to move. Releasing a little of that each day will ultimately find us with a half empty 5 pound sack, and the remaining contents are rattling around loosely, quite ready to be emptied out as well.

I realized today that, while I am envisioning a more spacious home environment, I also need to focus on improving the one I have, eliminating clutter, re-organizing, and making it a more welcoming place for family and friends. I intend to devote time to doing just that. And the added bonus will be that when I do find and acquire my dream home on a nice piece of property, my things will be much more organized and easier to pack up and move. Also, making my current space more friendly is something that can be accomplished in a reasonably short amount of time, and will bring me that much more joy, that much sooner! A big, beautiful, spacious home will not, in and of itself, bring me joy. It’s what I will bring to it that will do so. Case in point, I met someone who had a gorgeous home which showed some very loving touches on her part, but it was clear she wasn’t happy about something, and without the loving touches and seemingly unusual and mismatched pieces, the house would have been quite bland and cold. Of course, part of that might be the fact that there were a lot of beiges and browns, and I’m not overly partial to that color scheme. I’d rather, if earth tones are the preference, use greens, burgundies and blues with beige as just the palate to display the vibrancy of the colors. Just my opinion, of course! 🙂 But my opinion will definitely matter when I’m creating my new space.

But now, I’ve rambled myself out, so I will close with a wish for blessings for all.

Love and Light.

April 16, 2010

I have to say, I’m really loving the discussions that have arisen out of this little bit of babble. Friends’ comments really make me sit up and think about what goes through my head and what I’m experiencing. I think the common thread, though, is that, in many ways, we are very much alike. We simply choose different paths to reach the same goal, and, perhaps, call it by different names. But the bottom line is, we each follow a path which takes us up through the Chakras or the Tree of Life, from our birth as a physical being to our understanding of the spiritual beginnings which led to that birth in the first place. While some people strive from quite an early age to lead a more spiritual life, others of us reach that place far later, but still, reach it we do. There is no right or wrong to how, when or even if we reach that place, as what matters is that our path is right for us, and it can be no other way, just as we cannot intentionally make a bad decision. We make our choices based on the information at hand. If or when the information changes, we can and do reassess our previous choices and adjust as necessary. While I do not foresee me ever seeing the person referred to as Jesus by many as anything other than a human man and teacher, nor do I foresee me finding answers or solace in the book they call the bible, as has been pointed out recently, many of the premises and teachings are the same or similar from many sources. Just as the saying goes “all roads lead to Rome”, so, too, do all roads lead to our self-actualization. We can’t follow a path we don’t believe in, so we need to find the path or paths which resonate within us as the right road for us to follow. Finding that path certainly can involve listening to the beliefs of others, and the stories of how they found the right path for them. There are definitely grains in the sand of their lives which will resonate in ours, but our uniqueness is in how we put those grains together with the sands of our own lives, and create our own beautiful and unique sand paintings of life. Certainly, the sands of my life path will blend with those of others from time to time, and with some, for longer periods of time before going off into another picture. At these times, the cojoined picture is something rare and wonderful, indeed. And when the sands of my life path must stand alone, it is then that I see me for the individual I am, but also see how enhanced I am to join my sands with others to create something amazingly beautiful which could not be created by the colors in my palate alone. I have to believe that, if there truly are soul mates, the joining of their sands would create something so beautiful that the average, naked human eye would find it impossible to look upon. Only those who form a part of that painting would be able to look upon the resulting beauty because they, as part of the creation, would be within the resulting glow instead of trying to look at it from the outside.

And now that I’ve waxed rather esoteric, I shall spend some time pondering this train of thought.

Love and Light.

April 18, 2010

Interesting day. Woke up, ate breakfast, sat down on the sofa and dozed off for awhile more with the kitties. Did some laundry (do you know that washing does not, in and of itself, remove cat fur from bedding?), opened all of the windows and let the beautiful, fresh air in. Our fruit trees are all looking healthy and happy this year, so we may be making our fruit salads from the garden in a few months! Yum!

So it appears that, no matter how long I live, I am destined to piss off at least some of the followers of the mighty “JC”. It is truly not my intention, but, seriously, do some of them really need to tell me that, because my beliefs are different than theirs, that I am on a downward path to perdition? (and of course, this is ALWAYS followed by “I will pray for you that you find the true way”) Good grief! It’s that kind of myopia which has created so many religious wars! I said it before, I’ll say it again. All roads lead to Rome. What I believe and what others believe may be different, but as long as our intentions are on the right path, who the heck cares how we get there? I appreciate those who share their beliefs with me, knowing that they aren’t going to convince me to believe as they do, nor is that the purpose of the discussion. Yes, I do want to understand where my friends are coming from, but no, I don’t want them to tell me that their belief system is the only way, nor would I tell them that mine is. What they are is different, unique, maybe, and that’s what makes humanity such a wonderful creature. We can THINK!!! Despite the fact that women were discredited beyond belief in the middle ages, we have come a long way to redeeming ourselves. Seriously now, the race couldn’t continue without us, so why try to stuff us in a male-dominated box? Both genders have positive aspects which, when combined, give us an amazing synergy. But history has proven that if you try to stifle a group, eventually they are going to join together and rebel. And what good has that done, except to topple tyrants and leave a big mess for everyone to clean up?

I agree, my belief structure does not follow the dominant Christian pattern popular in this country, but I also know that more and more people do share it or something like it, and an awful lot of people have left organized religion in recent decades. And frankly, I wasn’t RAISED in the dominant christian pattern in the first place, so why in the name of all that is good, holy and gender unspecific would I have the slightest likelihood of turning in that direction? Let me get this straight, once more. I am not saying that their beliefs are WRONG. I am saying that they are not MINE. I would appreciate the same courtesy, but it seems that, especially for the newly turned christians, accepting the fact, no appreciating the fact that the beliefs of others are equally valid is well nigh impossible. I pity those who cannot accept the fact that their way is not the only way. Except for their immediate church-y groups, they are doomed to disappointment in everyone else. Because even the christians tend to disagree on many points, from what I’ve seen. That’s great from where I sit, because it indicates that somebody, somewhere is actually thinking! News flash. Paganism is older than many popular religions and faiths of today. Another news flash, Paganism never has and never will condone the worship of satan. This was a misconception propagated by those who also wanted to direct the way people believe. That, in and of itself is pretty ridiculous. We believe what is in our hearts. How can someone dictate what is in our hearts. That’s as bad as telling someone “you shouldn’t feel that way”. Nobody has the right to direct someone’s feelings. They are personal and they belong to the individual and should always be respected, even if they are not understood. I am really tired of people thinking that they know what’s best for everyone else. How can they possibly know what keeps me on a path which both fulfills me and causes me to respect myself, other people, and, even more importantly, Mother Earth?

My final thought here is, trying to force people to believe in something is like trying to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. As for trying to force people to believe, either they do or they don’t, folks. The best you’re going to get from it is lip service, and the worst is that you’ll be ridiculed, either to your face or behind your back. Neither is pleasant or productive.

This ends tonight’s rant.

Love and Light.

 Blog Part 2, the insanity continues:


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April 19, 2010
 It occurs to me that I am spending an inordinate amount of time explaining and defending what I write in what is, first and foremost, MY online journal/blog which I CHOOSE to share with those friends who wish to gain a little insight into what makes me tick. As this blog is. first and foremost, my journal, my dumping ground for whatever is going on in my life or through my head, I am putting an end to the explaining and/or defending as of this moment. I have added a disclaimer to the title so anyone who chooses to read it is now forewarned. This is not to say that I will not continue to discuss the contents with interested parties, but a sharing of ideas and perspectives is all that it will be. I do not have to defend or explain my feelings or the contents of this blog, nor do I have to go out of my way to protect everyone’s feelings but my own. I do not intentionally berate or malign any one or any group, but occasionally, when something ticks me off, it may well appear in these pages, and that is my privilege as I am the only one who is compelled to read what I write. 🙂

My original intent in starting this project was to open up about the joys, the challenges, the discoveries and the missteps in my life at this time. I don’t make any claims to perfection. I’m simply human with the wants, needs and desires of a human being. I make mistakes, I say the wrong thing, but I also make discoveries, have epiphanies, find great joy in simple things, and have a lot of love to share. I strive to keep my thoughts, words and actions positive, but it is something which requires effort on my part each and every day. Some days, I’m highly successful and the world is all green lights and smiling faces, but other days are a little tougher, and I may settle for feeling better rather than immensely joyful. But life is about balance, so I need both kinds, if for no other reason, than to keep me striving for those positive, joy-filled days. One thing is certain, though. I am on the path that is right for me, is leading me where I need to go, and fulfilling me on all levels. My goals will keep changing as I near them to keep me moving forward, asking questions, striving for an even better me.

Today, I found that I’m driving slower, the better to enjoy the beautiful drive to and from work every day. The expanses of farmland are growing steadily as grape vines climb further up the hillsides. The flatlands are recently plowed, readying for the first of the spring/summer/fall crops. The smell of newly turned earth greets me each morning, and the sight of the breathtakingly beautiful mountains is my reward for a productive day at work. No matter how many times I see the mountains to the north of here, they never cease to amaze me with their beauty, the definition they bear, and how Mother Nature, herself carved such beautiful monuments. And at every turn, wildflowers of many shapes and colors chase bushes that look like small, woolly animals up and down the hillsides beside the freeway. Despite the influx of buildings and roads, the majesty of the area remains. It is a constant reminder of how very blessed I am to live here. And when I lay my head down at night, I am purred to sleep by my cats who love me unconditionally. They greet me with those purrs when the sun comes up and when I get home at night.

My daughters are healthy, happy and productive, and my granddaughter is thriving. I have much to appreciate, much to be grateful for, and nothing to apologize for or defend.

Welcome to my journal, to those who wish to learn and share. Critics, zealots and proselytizers are respectfully requested to find another forum for their own beliefs, opinions and rants.

Love and light.

April 23, 2010

OK, I took a break from ranting, or, more likely, I just got it out of my system. Some things have changed, some have just finished their cycle and left room for something new. Either way, I no longer feel the need to purge. I’m now just sharing the more peaceful side, although when I’ve gone dancing lately, I feel less of the energy I’m used to feeling. I’m not sure why that is, but I do want to find the energy again as it really makes dancing better. I guess I need to learn to find the balance between being calmer and more peaceful, and finding the productive energy which not only allows me to get to “joy point” with the dancing, but also to teach, learn and expand. I find that I can get into the “zone” with the littlest things, now. While waiting for a friend to join me for dinner, I focused on my hands; their size and shape, the shapes I created when I held them in different ways, the way they felt, with fingers interlocked, with hands just clasped, etc. In a weird way, it makes me think of the time a couple of friends in college took some of us to an EST meeting and they were going all goo goo over the symmetry on some of the buildings we passed. Not that what I feel is in any way related to that weird group who hid their money grubbing schemes behind phony spiritualism, but the recognition of shape, texture and feel triggered the memory. (just for the record, when someone tells me to sell my stereo, my car or whatever it takes to get the money to take their “course”, I, as a matter of course, run the other way!)

But on to other things. Dreams last night seemed to focus on transportation, and more specifically, being transported in a large vehicle, sometimes a bus, sometimes a limousine. Sometimes, I was brought to my house, but I let the driver make his own mistakes, which resulted in a long vehicle having to turn around in a cul-de-sac a few times. There were also times when people were at my house, and I wondered why they were. It’s not clear now who they were or why I wondered at their presence. Just that their presence was odd in some way, out of character, out of context? Large sums of money were also involved and reference to a man who lived alone but made a very good living, and wondering what would happen to his money when he passed on. It wasn’t really clear whether he was a friend, relative, neighbor or stranger. It did seem like he was ill in a way which would lead to concerns over disposition of his estate, but not why the people in the dream were the ones concerned. But as this dream, or parts of it, are still in my head, chances are, some of the questions may be answered tonight.

This is another change of topic, but tonight’s entry really is just following my thoughts. Looking at the summer concert series at the Hollywood bowl. there are several Heather and I would like to see, so I’m considering buying tickets for several, including a performance of Rent, which both of us would love to see live. Will be interesting both live and outdoors, but our preference, anyway, is for outdoor venues. I haven’t been to the Bowl since I was a child! Hard to believe, but true.

Brain is starting to wander too much to even stay still long enough to get a thought down, so I am going to put this ramble-fest to bed, and me along with it.

Love and light.

April 24, 2010

Today I got my closure with the former friend who had, against everyone’s advice, taken my daughter and granddaughter in, along with the child’s father, then, when things deteriorated as I knew they would, and the kids didn’t find their own place right away, expected me to come in on my white charger, checkbook in hand, and fix everything. Sadly, her husband never recovered from whatever he’d had, and passed away about a week ago. I had sent her an email, but decided to stop by today to see if there was anything I could do for her. When I got to her house, her daughter, niece and a neighbor were staging what was clearly a fake garage sale for the sole purpose of blocking the entrance to her house. I don’t know if they’ll mention I was there, but, it’s really irrelevant as I won’t bother trying to reach out again. She clearly has enough people looking out for what they think is best for her, so all I can do is wish her love and light and accept the end of an almost 30 year friendship. Even Heather no longer feels inclined to try to reach out, as the one time she did, she felt that her sister was still part of their family but she was an outsider. No need to keep putting herself out if that’s what it’s come down to. Once again, I’m ashamed of Jenni for using people and manipulating them. Will I ever have reason to be proud of her again? Heather made an interesting comment though. We were talking about how the friend’s daughter isn’t overly thrilled with Jenni, and we agreed that it was because she has competition for manipulating her mother. I would feel sorry for my former friend, but this is how she chooses to live her life. It’s not for me to say whether it’s right or wrong. She maintains a large circle of friends while I am, these days, largely alone.

I took a nap this afternoon and started having more disturbing dreams. This time a teenage boy was able to manipulate the minds of people and animals, and actually used this ability to kill people, or force others to do his bidding. His parents had been accustomed to him pushing the limit, including ordering an animal to do harm to his father, but they knew that he’d reverse the order at the last minute. When he failed to reverse his last order to an elephant, and his father was killed, he unexpectedly lost his hold over his mother as well, because when she realized that he cared so little that his father’s death meant nothing, she stopped caring about him, and he was no longer able to cause blinding headaches which ultimately caused her to capitulate and honor his wishes. When I woke from the dream, he was manipulating workers by exposing their wives to harm, though it wasn’t really clear if he really had their wives, or if he had just convinced them.
The dream shifted at one point, and I was pulled over by a cop for, allegedly, running a red light. When I insisted that the light was yellow, he told me that he had me on another charge, then. Interestingly, I cried and begged (so very out of character for me) and he let me off with a warning. But I did wake up with a really nasty headache!

Dylan is still very clingy, following me from room to room, waiting at the door for me when I’m out, and just staying as close as possible. I’m wondering if he senses something coming that he needs to help me through or protect me from. They so often sense things we are clueless about. I’ll keep an eye on him and see if I can figure it out. Even Scooby comes in and checks on me several times a day!

And, dreams which are sticking in my head are not yet yielding any answers or even conclusions. Maybe I’m still working through whatever they represent. Time will tell.

Love and light.

April 26, 2010

I’ve noticed that my readership has dropped down to nothing since I added my little disclaimer, but then again, I’m no longer offending anyone, at least that I’m aware of, so all is good.

Dreams continue to be weird yet memorable. Last night’s installment involved a good friend who had just come home from a business trip and, while he was at the office, his wife cleaned out their newly remodeled and furnished home with a couple of interesting exceptions. She left all of the beds, including his, the ones in two guest rooms and their childrens’ rooms. She also left the children and the rest of their furniture which is why she waited until he’d returned from the trip. At first, he was most concerned about lack of a TV and seating in the living room, so I sent him out to acquire those “necessities”. He returned with a mismatched and ugly as sin pair of sofas and an odd assortment of glass tables which I was trying to arrange so that they looked slightly less ridiculous. In the end, we returned everything and got something a little less hideous.

It wasn’t really apparent why she’d left, why she left the kids and the beds, but it seemed that another woman and I were either living in the house with them, or were frequent visitors as we referred to 2 of the beds as hers and mine, and were relieved that all had been left so nobody had to share which seemed to be an uncomfortable arrangement. She also seemed to have left his bank accounts intact, as well as his investments, though I never did find out how that came to be.

What I also remember is that a great deal of the furniture she took was heavy, dark wood, and the colors were disturbingly neutral throughout the house. We started replacing the missing items with lighter, more colorful pieces.

Throughout the dream, this friend would come to me frequently, needing a hug, much like a small child does when they need reassurance. We tried to normalize things somewhat by all getting together in the kitchen to cook a meal. The dream ended as we headed out the front door to run some kind of errand, and he instructed someone, a caretaker or handyman, to change the locks while we were gone and, under no circumstances was his wife to get a key.

The interesting part about this particular dream is that so much of it remained in my head all day. I can even picture the large, heavy cherrywood shelf units which had been in the living room. Normally, I may remember pieces of a dream, but the details fade as the day goes on. Although many of the details have faded on this one, an inordinate number of them have stayed with me, which leads me to believe, once again, that there is a message here, or, perhaps, a precognition. I just don’t know anyone who fits the description, nor anyone I’m that close to right now.

And another topic change, interesting article, blog and fun stuff started in response to a Muslim cleric’s announcement that the recent spate of large earthquakes were directly related to scantily clad women! A young woman started “Boobquake” in response to such ridiculous drivel and a lot of women I know jumped on board, promising to wear low cut tops or shorts today to test the theory. I have not heard of any large temblers today, small surprise! Human ignorance never ceases to amaze me!!!

And that’s tonight’s edition of my babbles. Pretty tame stuff these days!

Love and light.

April 27, 2010

This dream situation struck me as so interesting that I actually wrote a full page of notes about it at work today, then promptly left it there, however, having written it down, it is further engraved upon my brain.

When I woke this morning, I had the vague wisps of a dream, but the details had pretty much dissipated. No problem. Happens all the time, just a night when I don’t remember what I dreamt, right? WRONG! Later in the day, the whole thing comes back to me, WHAM!!! In the dream, I’m walking up a long, northbound highway, not I-5, but something smaller, like maybe one of the smaller 4 lane roads that branch off of it somehow. Although it wasn’t apparent while I was dreaming, I’ve had this road in dreams before, so I believe it’s significant in some way (I know Candy will take this one and run with it!) Anyway, in the dream, I’m traveling this road on foot every night to visit someone who might be incarcerated or in a mental hospital. It’s never quite clear. I have to walk because my car is in the shop, but I have to visit this person every night. Logistically, this place is too far to walk to and back home again, not to mention, spend time visiting this person, each night, but for some reason, I can do it. I even comment, in the dream at one point, that I’ve surely lost at least 5 pounds from all of the walking. People offer to give me a ride but I refuse saying that I need to walk. On the last night, I finally accept a ride from a man who has one of the pickup trucks with the oversized cabs. For some reason, we get into the truck, talk for awhile, and come out wearing just towels, two apiece, wrapped around our bodies. Everyone around us makes all sorts of false assumptions, but we don’t make any effort to correct them. Ultimately, he takes me home and the dream ends.
Now, I have a lot of questions, here. Who am I visiting and why? Why do I insist on walking? Is this some kind of penance? Do I feel responsible for the person being where they are? Who is the man I finally allow to take me home, and for heavens’ sake, why do we get out of the truck wearing towels?? The road seems pretty easy, especially since I’ve dreamed of it before, albeit while driving it rather than walking it. Clearly, the repetition indicates that it is a road I’m either seeking or will find soon and has to do with the path I’m going to be taking. Perhaps the fact that I’m walking it now instead of driving it is indicating that I am closer to it than I was before, and that this time I’m taking the time to really see the road instead of just using it as a tool to get from here to there. Interesting also is that there were a number of people hanging around outside the building where I visited this unknown person, and that the area was very well lit. However, I cannot identify a single person in the dream. Are they people I’ve yet to meet? Guides? Is their identity just immaterial to the story? I seemed to know all of them in the dream, so they weren’t just strangers or bystanders. They seemed to have a role in this adventure. And in re-reading, does the fact that the road travels north have any significance?

Just one more thing to ponder.

Today, I meditated on forgiveness. Forgiving myself, forgiving others and just letting go. I have been experiencing an inordinate number of upset stomachs lately, and decided that I’m internalizing a lot of the Jenni/Dorine/Tiffany/Deanie/Isaac stuff, so I made a conscious decision to just forgive myself and everyone else, and try to let it all go. I do feel better tonight, so it must be helping. And tomorrow night, I’ll go to the meditation group. I love the fact that in his emails, he includes thoughts, affirmations and things to focus on. This week, it is Healing and honoring relationships affirmations. Items 10 and 12 fit very well into what my meditation focus was today, so I want to just include them all. Let’s see how copy/paste works.

Healing and Honoring Relationships Affirmations

1. My relationships of the past, present and future are now enfolded in love and
harmonized for the good of all
2. I allow all those I perceived as my objectors to now become my supporters.
3. Everyone in my life is supportive of me.
4. I see God’s love in action in all my relationships and difficulties are wonderful
opportunities for me to have a change of heart.
5. As I change my heart in relationships, my life becomes wonderful
6. Every person I encounter has an important message for me
7. I attracted the perfect companion to help me see all my weaknesses; I am committed
to making them into strengths.
8. With innocent perception, I bring God to bear in my life. All is possible with the
power of love.
9. As I see the face of God in others, all my encounters are elevated to greater meaning
and inspired outcomes.
10. I bless all my relationships that present challenge to me; with forgiveness and
acceptance we support our evolution forward.
11. I easily and purposefully engage the energies I need to give to others according to
what I want to experience from them.
12. I release all blame in order to recognize my power at shaping my life.
13. No one can harm or diminish the truth of who I am.
14. I no longer think according to what I see in my relationships, but according to what I
desire.
15. I AM exclusively love and goodwill. I AM innocent perception with everyone.
16. I love everyone as my Self and treat them as I want to be treated, always.
17. When I look at another, I see the face of God.

In re-reading these, I see that item 6 fits quite well into last night’s dream sequence. There is some serious synchronicity occurring right now, which really makes me believe that energies are high and the path of change to where I’m going next is opening quickly and I will soon find myself moving quickly to where I will be doing more, helping more, healing more, and feeling more fulfilled.

Love and light.

April 27, 2010, Part 2

OK, I was done, but the brain keeps chugging so I have to get this off of my chest. It occurs to me that for many years, I kept my thoughts and opinions to myself, fearing just the sort of reactions I have gotten in recent weeks. The difference, today, is two-fold. I have found that I am not alone in traveling the road in the manner I’ve chosen, but, more importantly, I am now more confident in the choices I’ve made and no longer feel that I need to defend them because they are so far removed from the more readily accepted vehicles. But it also occurs to me that some of the more narrow-minded views are exactly what allowed people to justify mass murders throughout history, more recently, the witch trials, both in the U.S. and abroad, and Hitler’s efforts to exterminate the Jews (as well as anyone else he deemed unfit to share his world). While I can hope that such narrow minded unwillingness to accept that we don’t all believe the same things any more than we experience the same feelings for the same circumstances is slowly beginning to change, I know, in my logical mind that I, alone, am not sufficient to turn the tide. However, I am less likely to turn the tide by remaining silent and hidden than I am by freely expressing my views and letting the chips fall where they may. I can also hope that, by expressing these views, if I can make just one person stop and think rather than just judging anyone who is different as being inferior, then I have done much to help the world rid itself of those dark and dingy places of intolerance, prejudice and discrimination. Although these words are used most often with regard to racial issues, they are just as prevalent amidst spiritual pursuits. Although the Jihadists are an extreme case, they are hardly alone in their intolerance of other beliefs. Their “our way is the only true and right way” is evident each and every day in people who, if asked, would swear that they are extremely tolerant and accepting of peoples’ differences. The truth is, they accept physical differences, but not spiritual ones. I recently had someone “unfriend” me because she thought nothing of telling me that I was completely wrong in my beliefs and she knew better than me what I should believe, but took issue with the fact that I compared her to a Jesus freak. I pity the myopia such behaviour indicates. So many thoughts and ideas will not be experienced because the mind is closed, but, on the other hand, I suppose I really need to just accept that the narrow minded, one way mindset is what works for some people, and that is THEIR path. I don’t have to like it, but I do have to accept the fact that it is their choice just as where I go and how I go there is my choice.

Clearly, in my defensive posture over having my views attacked, I, too, lose sight of the fact that we all need to accept each other as we are. Today, I meditated on forgiveness. I see that I need to spend time meditating on Acceptance as well.

Love and light.

April 28, 2010

just got home from meditation group. More good feelings and positive affirmations. Interestingly,. today’s discussion really resonated with my personal meditations on forgiveness and acceptance this week. I’m sure it’s more synchronicity, especially as he talked extensively about synchronizing our humanity and our divinity. A great group of people with great stories to share. I feel very blessed to have been invited into their group. I know that it is going to do me a great deal of good, in fact, it is already. (going to keep this short as I’m using the laptop as the desktop is at the hospital (Dr. Paul to the rescue!) and this keyboard is making me nutso! ) The guided meditations are amazing. I feel even lighter than I typically do with my personal meditations, and the visuals are incredible! Today, I started out with intertwining rings of rainbow sparkles, and ultimately envisioned huge sheets of light enveloping the world. He introduced an interesting concept tonight after one gentleman asked why it’s taking so long for humanity to find Source. He said that at some point our planet was one of a group who left Source and were quarantined. Although we are finally reaching the end of the quarantine period, it may still be several generations until the quarantine is fully lifted and we are once again able to completely connect with source. At the moment, I’m not sure how I feel about this explanation, but I am certainly going to give it some thought. In the meantime, he also stressed that “it is all about me”. In context, everything that happens around us is somehow connected to our growth and finding our joy. It might be a lesson, a picture of ourselves which causes us to pause and reflect on whether it’s where we want to go, someone who’s perceptions might benefit from an example we might set…so many possibilities. I definitely resonated on this concept. No thinking required, but I do want to put it in the back of my mind as I have different experiences and meet different people so I remember to reflect upon how these things affect my progress and my growth.

Nothing else interesting or exciting to comment on tonight, and it’s late so I’ll wrap this up. But longer posts will resume shortly, if not tomorrow, definitely Friday.

Love and Light

April 29, 2010

The Laws of Attraction never, ever fail me. I have been putting forgiveness and acceptance out into the Universe and they are coming back to me a thousand fold. My upset stomach is gone, the people around me are caring, loving, giving, calm and peaceful. I trust that the path I’m on is the right one for me, as the ones other people tread, are just as right for them. Discussions are back to being discussions, places for all of us to learn about each other and about themselves. I am, at this moment in time, content. I also feel great joy at the discoveries I have been making and the lessons I’m learning from my friends. I value and respect the learnedness of the many people who surround me, and am infinitely grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow from and with them. I also know that this period of calmness and peace is only temporary because, if it lasts too long, I become complacent and cease learning. Challenges are what make me question, analyze, assess and grow. I appreciate and value those opportunities.

Love and Light.

April 30, 2010

I cannot believe 4 months of this year are already gone! It seems like January 1 was just yesterday! Time seems to be bending, folding, spindling and mutilating upon itself!

So my journey continues and in this quest, the more I postulate, examine, speculate, meditate and discuss, the more I see the samenesses more than the differences between philosophies. Once you take off the packaging, spirituality is awfully similar from one interest group to another. Sure, we call things by different names and some people need an organization of some kind while others fly solo, we’re not so different. You may pray while I meditate. You may sit in a pew while I walk the hillsides, but is it really such a stretch to see that our intentions are the same? Certainly, my focus may be more on the planet, the environment, while yours might be on the community, the people, but either way, we both try to make this a better place, and, once again, bring our humanity and our divinity into synch. We both seek knowledge, understanding, and, at times, a little help getting past the rough spots. We both find lessons in our challenges, and see our soul living many lives. While you might see it as a single individual and I see it as many, you see Spirit as a trinity and I see it as one…are these really significant differences?

So, the challenge I’ve set for myself at this point in time is to find a way to forgive everyone who has ever touched my life and left a less than perfect mark, to accept them and their choices, regardless of my own opinions, and to do my best to help heal the damage we’ve all done to Mother Earth. In some ways, the first part is a lot more difficult than the second. I know that there are certain people I’m going to have to really work at forgiving and accepting, but, because they present more of a challenge, success will be a huge milestone for me! I have already found that a more positive attitude is bringing more positive things my way. From green lights to smoother interpersonal relations. I’m meeting more and more strong, positive, intelligent people who allow me to move back up to the level where I belong, and to aspire to rise still further. I am becoming better able to identify the areas I need to work on in order to move further up my path, and once identified, I’m becoming more aware of how to make the changes necessary to move on. I feel like a newly sprouted bulb in a freshly turned flower bed, raising my newly uncovered head to the warmth of the sun. I feel the warmth and affection shining down on my face, and eagerly turn to meet it.

Lately, it has become so easy to drift into that place where I am floating and accepting, and learning and healing. Though my passion seems a bit dimmed at the moment as I flow more calmly, I know that it is just in a resting mode until it’s time to come out and be utilized to maximize my accomplishments. I find myself smiling more, hugging more, sharing more. And it feels wonderful!!! One lady commented the other night about feeling, as a child, like she was the only one who saw and felt certain things, and it made her feel very alone. I can relate to how she felt then, but I can also relate to how she’s feeling now, as she realizes that she isn’t alone, she just needed to find others who could see and feel what she felt, and who weren’t blocked, like so many are. Life can overwhelm and we all shut down at least some times. I know that I did for several years, as I struggled just to make a living and raise the girls. But being who I am, it was impossible to remain blocked. A part of me, like a new bud struggling to break through the earth and feel the warmth of the sun, instinctively opens up, tests the waters, and, finding that there are no major threats, opens still more until, when fully opened, causes everyone who gazes upon it to feel a little happier, a little calmer, a little more grateful for the beauty and the miracle. And I AM the beauty and the miracle, and I AM the teacher and the healer. The path I need to travel becomes clearer every day, and, too, the positive and growth-giving energies increase with each passing day. I feel my aura growing larger and brighter and clearer as well. At the moment, I seem to fill the room with bright, clear white light. The other night, during group meditation, I felt as if my light was enveloping the earth in a protective and healing embrace. And it felt so right! I will spend time, in the coming days, to include this in my meditations, to follow the path I envision, and know where my next steps will lead me. I know that this path has no true end, just goals which I will reach, to find that there is a new set of goals as the path stretches out beyond what I can see. And I will enjoy the journey as much or more than I will the achievement of goals, the passing of milestones. This, for me, is heaven on earth.

Love and light.

May 2, 2010

Today, we went to the Renaissance Faire. I hadn’t been in a long time, and it really has changed from the days it took place at the Paramount Ranch. Although still on dirt for the most part, it wasn’t as dusty as I remember, it was much larger, and the merchants are getting more creative all the time, and the lake behind some of the booths seemed to keep things a tad cooler. We loved stopping to watch the geese and the goslings who did their best to keep up with mom and dad. Two of them weren’t much more than little balls of yellow fluff, but they hung in their like troopers, although I’m sure I heard one squawk “Mom, could you swim a little slower please???” (the other one was probably saying “are we there yet???”) But the costumes were amazing, the pageantry, delightful, the stage shows we caught were fun and entertaining, and although we forewent the turkey leg, we did share an artichoke (that we paid more for than I paid for the 5 that were in my refrigerator last week!) so the fun continues! Didn’t really buy anything as, to buy costuming would have annoyed my daughter who’s become quite the seamstress of late, and to buy anything else when I’m trying to DE clutter would have been pretty dumb right now. Just wandered around for the better part of 4 1/2 hours on one of So Cal’s more beautiful spring days!

As we wandered through booths with incense and crystals and such, I realized that it really is just what it professes to be: amusement for the public. The stones I saw didn’t resonate at all, the incense was a bit cloying, the crystals were overmuch…all in all, it really was just entertainment. Whereas I have found stones and crystals with which I resonate at street fairs and harvest festivals, I found that the Ren Faire isn’t the place to obtain these items. I could almost see the sign above the faire “for entertainment purposes only”. So there is a time and a place for everything. And today was just for fun! (of course, I was reminded yet again that although ice cream is yummy, it is NOT a friend to my tummy! Barely made it home in time before my stomach expressed it’s extreme disapproval!)

And so, having gotten up early, walked for miles and mistreated my innards a bit, I’m going to actually turn in early tonight.

Love and Light

May 3, 2010

Not much to say tonight. A pretty uneventful but productive day. Had a kid from the college decide he had to play chicken on the freeway today, but was able to bring myself back to my calm place and just wish him the day he deserved. I’ll leave it at that as I don’t want ugly thoughts or feelings in my head.

I heard people at work saying “It’s definitely a Monday” but I really didn’t feel as they did. Sure, I had some challenges, but nothing that couldn’t just be worked out and worked past. And I noticed some new orange flowers beside the freeway today! They might have been poppies, but didn’t want to look too carefully while I was driving. 🙂 The hillsides continue to make for a bright and cheerful drive to and from work. And the last couple of days have been So Cal gorgeous, so there is just no room in me for angry, fretful, ugly thoughts!

Today I meditated on abundance: abundant health, abundant funds, abundant giving, abundant love, abundant space, abundant work to keep me and those around me busy and productive, abundant energy, and abundant faith and trust that I am on the path I am supposed to be. (and then, I had abundant thirst and drank abundant amounts of water! :))

And my brain has dried up. But I am glad that I’m able to write, if only a little. (makes up for the lengthy submissions of last week, anyway!) So many good thoughts are being shared by my FB friends and groups. Power of positive thinking, fearless women and meditation group, especially. And I can’t forget Mr. G and Wendi who always have positive, uplifting thoughts and quotes to share. I really appreciate friends like these who remind me to keep my spirits up no matter what.

Oops, I think that unleashed the floodgates!

I’m still working on forgiveness and acceptance, and have, in fact, incorporated them into my “abundance” meditations. Abundant forgiveness and abundant acceptance. There are still people I am having to pour lots of love and kindness onto to get myself to forgive them. But that is my challenge to meet and overcome as it will make me a better person and a happier person for making the effort. I don’t expect myself to want to be best pals with some of them. Just to forgive them and no longer hold any anger, hurt or other negative feelings inside where they are concerned (or where I am concerned for that matter!). I can see this as being a labor of love. Love for the Universal mind and spirit, love for myself, and love to nourish and heal Mother Earth. I need my thoughts to be nourishing and healing, and carrying hurt and anger around won’t allow that to be so. This is the one challenge I have set for myself for now. Achieving success will be the most wonderful of blessings! And I’ve learned to trust feelings of discomfort, as they remind me that I’m slipping off of my track and need to get back on so that I’ll feel better all over!

Love and light.

May 4, 2010

This post comes with its own warning. What follows is really disturbing to me, so it’s likely to be as much or more so to others. Feel free to skip this section if you’re squeamish.

Dreams last night (despite the fact that I felt like I slept very soundly) were quite disturbing and weird. Here’s what I remember.

My boss told me that he was giving me a week’s notice that he had to let me go. Now, I found out somehow that the reason was that he had family coming here from Tennessee, escaping the floods, and he was giving some of them jobs, one of which was mine. What was really odd was that he didn’t even tell the other owner that he was letting me go. It was all very surreal, in fact. About the same time, we found out that one of our co-workers’ son was murdered (now, I don’t even know if this person has a son, so that is odd in and of itself). Anyway, I was debating over whether or not to go to the funeral since I wouldn’t be working for the company any more, but eventually decided to go. For some reason it was held at their house which was in the hills of either Encino or Tarzana which isn’t where any of my co-workers live. Even stranger was that the boy was killed by having his head squashed in a vice in the garage, and the evidence was still there. Nobody had cleaned it up. The murderer hadn’t yet been caught, but the investigation was continuing during the funeral and wake, with the police questioning a lot of the kids. It does seem like they’d finally identified him at the end of the dream, though I don’t know who it was.

I continue to meditate on abundance, forgiveness and acceptance. I’m not sure if maybe my dreams are a reflection of what I’m releasing, or, perhaps, the continuing battle of good and evil someone suggested, or something else entirely. I do know that they are even more vivid than before, and that I remember small details all day, even if I don’t remember them when I first wake up. I wonder if this is just another side effect of opening my mind and allowing whatever is going to come in, to do so? There truly seem to be no barriers as to what subjects appear in my dreams, and some have been pretty ugly and scary. However, I, myself do not feel threatened in any way, nor do I feel that anyone close to me is threatened either. Even the thought of being unemployed didn’t seem to phase me at all, and, in fact, I felt that I could spend my last week on the job seeking employment elsewhere. In one interview, I was standing at a counter, like some stores or banks where there’s a long counter and people at desks behind it. I was talking to a woman at a desk near the back wall of the room, and she was telling me about the position for which she was hiring. Basically, it was similar to what Priti does, while this woman was basically doing what I do. After she spoke for a few minutes, I said as much to Heather, told the woman I wasn’t interested and left. I didn’t feel pressured or worried in the least. No matter how weird or awful things got, I had a sense of peace and rightness. Almost like, in the midst of chaos, there is always an island of peace and hope. And, in fact, I am that island.

Dylan, Toby and Loki continue to stay close to me whenever I’m home. Dylan hardly waits at all when I leave a room to follow me now. Toby takes every opportunity to lay either on me or up against me. And Loki is just Loki. Always needy, always demanding, and always loud. She’s such a character!

And so concludes tonight’s somewhat disturbing edition. Tomorrow I am going to the two-step lesson instead of meditation, as I’d planned to alternate the two.

Love and Light.

May 6, 2010

So my little lull at work has come to an end, with a bang, I might add. Suddenly, I’m inundated with meetings, requests, tasks and questions. Life is good! I enjoyed the down time, got a few things done, a couple more started, but I really like being busy and productive. Meanwhile, the dreams have settled down for now, with nothing very memorable in the last couple of days. Maybe the Powers that Be are just waiting for everything to percolate before added more spice to my stew pot. (I do, however, see habaneros in my future). More and more dancing though. I made it to the Wednesday two step lesson this week, and am probably going to attend a dance in Burbank which came to me via one of the emails I get from instructors. Should be fun and there will be at least a couple of people there I know. Here’s to expanding my horizons.

Also found out that I was going to max out on vacation BEFORE my scheduled June week off. Oh, darn! Now I have a 4 day weekend for my b-day! Tough break, I know, but I’ll bear up under the pressure. 🙂

I didn’t do much in the way of couples dances tonight, but I had a grand old time watching my once-shy baby get asked to dance over and over, and one guy, in particular, was following her around the club to ask her to dance! I love watching her blossom and grow more confident with each passing day! Finally got to introduce her to Fran’s daughter, Gina, too. They seem to have a lot in common and I hope they’ll have the chance to get to know each other better. She definitely seems to do better with the intellectual, even nerdy types. Mea culpa for raising her to use her brain!

Meditations on forgiveness, abundance and acceptance are continuing well. I’m finding that, even when meditating alone, I am going longer and longer, sometimes even 45 minutes! Like everything else, the process improves with practice.

Wow, this will be the first Mother’s day in awhile with just Heather and me. The last few have been spent with Jeff and his family. Not that I didn’t enjoy them, but I like my quiet ones too. If nothing else, I can sleep in with no place I have to be and no schedule. Works for me!

And now, to bed. Love and light.

May 8, 2010

OK, so as I alluded to with Joleen, here is last night’s dream sequence.

I was living in a large house with lots of open space and wood or tile floors. The house had a hallway which led to the front door. This hallway, at the beginning of the dream, had a large rectangular opening which I used to look out and see who was at the door. I was doing a lot of entertaining, but had befriended an inordinate number of pregnant women (pregnancy typically indicates new beginnings, but I’m not quite sure about the large number and the befriending). So, I’m visiting with several women when I get a call from Heather asking about the several types of brownies we’d baked, and asking if she should frost them for me. I specified which ones were to be frosted and which ones weren’t, saying that certain ones were already rich enough without frosting. (again, “rich” could indicate material wealth, spiritual wealth or some other kind of abundance entirely). Back at the house, I expressed concern over having an opening in the wall in the entrance hall, saying that we couldn’t lock the house as long as people could just come in through the hole. When we looked at it again, there was a pane of glass in it.

So, there you have my pregnant women, brownies and window that wasn’t a window, then was.

Tonight, I went on a little adventure. Instead of veging at home as I usually do on a Friday night, I went to a couple of places I’d heard about. One was a dance at a Moose lodge which was ok, but I did run into a friend there (though not the ones who said they’d be there). I moved on to a bar where a band I knew of was playing, again running into people I knew but hadn’t seen in awhile. I finally ended up at an old haunt and ran into a bunch of people I hadn’t seen in awhile, plus, an added bonus. Annette was there with the co-worker she’d brought to Borderline the night before! I danced some, yakked some, collected some warm hugs and overall, just had a good time! (I must have as it’s now 3:03 AM!) Looks like my veg Fridays may be coming to an end.

Anyway, mind is drifting and it’s time to sleep. More tomorrow.

Love and light.

May 11, 2010

Today is a rant on the my least favorite topic, Politics! I am not a big fan of the subject, but try to be an educated voter. I do NOT air my opinions on my FB wall for everyone to see and either be annoyed by or cheer, as they see fit. I HAVE hidden people who repeatedly post political crap (from either side) or who blatantly bash one side or the other. But this is really the final straw before I felt the need to rant. However, being the considerate person I try to be, I will rant in my blog rather than airing it on my wall so that every person on my friends list has to put up with it.

Today, someone on my friends list posted the following:

Elena Kagan was the Dean of the Harvard School of Law. She has no military experience, on the contrary she opposes military related issues and she has never been a Judge. So, basically, we have a pro-socialist, narcissist, Chicago lawyer that wants to replace a position of honor with a law school manager/lawyer and place her in a lifetime seat in the highest court in the U.S.Judicial system. Yea, that makes sense.

In the first place (and there will be several!), where is it written that a Supreme Court Justice needs military experience? She will be sitting on cases and expressing her opinion on the basis of the written laws of the United States. I fail to see how military experience would make her do the job any better (although I could see where it might skew her in the other direction ). Secondly, how can such a broad generalization like “she opposes military related issues” be made? Does the individual who posted this know Ms. Kagan’s views on every subject? If so, where did he obtain such information? Thirdly, I see no point in throwing out words like “narcissist” and “pro-socialist” when the writer (or maybe he was just a copier and paster) clearly has no clue as to what those words mean? And finally, the dean of one of the most prestigious law schools in the country, Harvard Law, could scarcely be referred to as a “law school manager/lawyer” who doesn’t deserve a “position of honor” as a judge. I sincerely doubt that Harvard Law would allow someone who is not imminently qualified both as a lawyer and as an administrator to head their school.

What is truly horrifying is that the person who posted these inflammatory words is an educator of children, a molder of young minds! I can only be grateful that he’s done his molding far away from my children. They had enough right wing, uninformed teachers trying to shove their political ideas down their throats as it was.

At any rate, I have chosen to address not the inflammatory remarks about Ms. Kagan, but the underlying complaint about how Obama is “allowed ” to appoint a judge to wit:

Why is the president allowed to nominate his own people in there anyway? Sounds a little fishy to me.

So I did a little research. Since 1902, 55 people have been appointed (or re-appointed) as justices of the Supreme Court. Of those, 52 were men, 3 were women. And, who appointed them, might you ask? 32 were appointed by REPUBLICAN presidents and 22 were appointed by Democratic presidents (like Obama). And to make it even worse, the measly 3 women appointed? 2 by Democrats and only one by a Republican!

Wake up and smell the jurisprudence, folks. The US. Government has 3 branches, Executive, Legistlative and Judicial. Last I heard, the Supreme Court and the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines did not fall under the same branch! According to USA.gov, the DoD (Department of Defense for all of you non-alphabet soup types) falls squarely under the direction of the Executive Branch. So again, I ask, where does military experience, or lack thereof even become a consideration for a person’s ability to decide the meanings of laws and how they are applied?

With this kind of ignorance running rampant among our supposedly educated citizens, is it any wonder that our country is run by people who are far removed from the people, who, by the way, have no problem criticizing, or, more likely parroting what they hear just because they may not have the proverbial chicken in every pot and car in every garage. And don’t even get me started on whose administration took the last 8 years to put us in this ugly state! The current administration may be making mistakes, and who can really say right now? But they knowingly inherited a stew pot full of sewage in taking over from good ol’ boy, George W. If it took he and his buddies 8 years to dump our economy, it’s going to take the current regime awhile to demonstrate that what they’re doing is making a positive difference (assuming it is and, even I will admit that just as we can’t blatantly state it isn’t, I wouldn’t go out on a limb to say it is yet either!)

The short version of this rather lengthy rant is that I wish everyone on my friends list would keep their political opinions (or their reprinting of someone else’s opinions) off of my freakin’ wall! I already have several people who’s emails I delete, unread for this very reason! And the list of people who’s comments I hide is growing rapidly!

To quote the 60’s, Make Love, not War.

Love and Light

May 12, 2010

Went to the two-step lesson tonight rather than my original plan to go to Meditation group, because Heather wanted to go and asked if I’d go tonight. As it turns out, it was just as well since I never got the email from Tony. I’m not sure, at this point, if they just didn’t meet this week or if, for some reason, they decided I wasn’t a good fit for their group. If the latter, I’ll just take it as an indication that I’m supposed to follow my path on my own for now. Also, I am trying to get myself back to a healthy, fit state, and the dancing will definitely work my outsides! Whatever happens, I know that it will be for the best.

The lesson was good, but challenging, which is also good. The guys in the class, for the most part, are really doing a good job of working on the moves and the footwork. I commend them for their efforts, and am happy to see them taking an interest in improving their skills. Of course, we had to give John a hard time anyway, but he really is a good sport.

When I hadn’t received an email from Tony by lunchtime, I meditated on my path. Interestingly, I visualized a somewhat windy path through an area which appeared a bit hilly with trees here and there, and green grass on either side of the path. All of a sudden, more trees appeared and orange blooms appeared on the trees, first a few at a time, than hundreds, maybe thousands very quickly. The blossoms became oranges and the trees were completely filled with the fruit. I can only see this as abundance and good health being a very real part of where I’m currently going. This further supports my belief that wherever my path takes me right now, it will be a path of abundance on all levels. Interestingly, when I look up the significance of oranges, it is, indeed, health and prosperity (aka abundance). Further evidence that I am absolutely heading in the right direction!

I am finding myself in an introspective state quite frequently lately, but I’m also finding that it takes very little to bring me to a state of joy. Everything around me is joyous, from a turn around the dance floor to my daughter’s pretty face, to the arc of the tree near my office, to the way the mountains look when I’m driving home before it gets dark. Although I perform my normal functions at work, and have actually been resolving a lot of the issues remaining from the conversion, which really makes me happy! I also received compliments from both of the owners when I informed them that we’d passed one of the audits without need for a detailed one. (I’m sitting here typing with Scooby on my lap because he is feeling so very neglected and requires that I stop and stroke his soft, marmalade coat every so often to remind him that he really is loved!) Just doing my job, ya know. 🙂 Fortunately, we seem to have gotten past the combative nature of the first few visits and appear to have established a working relationship now.

All in all, I’m very happy with the way my life is going. Joe mentioned in class today that one never reaches perfection in dancing. You can either accept that and keep making the effort to improve, or you can just give up. I think life in general is that way. As I’ve tried to communicate to Heather, you don’t set your goal as the ultimate point of perfection, but rather, you set milestones which will take effort but are ultimately achievable. Then, as you near or reach a milestone, you set another, more ambitious goal, but one which is also achievable given what has already been accomplished. And this process continues throughout life. I am not the same person I was 6 months or a year ago. I have achieved some goals, set some along the same paths but further out and still others on paths which I was either unaware of or would not have considered in the past. I wasn’t ready to consider them, either for lack of a foundation or just mere unawareness. Things change, life changes, perspective changes. But the beauty of it is, I have opportunities to change and grow as well. There are many things I want to improve in my life, but I’ve learned that when I make a small change and stick with it, the small change eventually brings on greater and greater changes until suddenly, that goal I thought was almost impossible is within my reach, and is prompting me to set ever more ambitious ones because the achievement of goals has created joy within me, and the more goals I achieve, the more I want to set in order to keep that joyful feeling growing within me, and spilling out to envelop those around me. In short, I want to keep having experience which make my bliss overflow and want, nay, need to be shared. I want the green ball of healing energy within me to grow until I AM the green ball of healing energy!

OK, I’ve gone all introspective again, so it’s time to go lay down and do my final meditation of the day.

Love and light.

May 13, 2010

Just a short one tonight as it’s late and I’m tired, but wanted to share marvelous news. A friend from dancing and the meditation group was rushed to the hospital last Thursday night with ventricular tachycardia. He already has a history of heart problems and has had a pacemaker for quite some time. On Tuesday, they did surgery and put in a defibulator as well, and he was actually at Borderline tonight, the day after he was released from the hospital! He and his wife are among the most amazing people I’ve ever met! They radiate love and light wherever they go, and despite some incredible challenges, continue to be positive and uplifting. They are truly an inspiration for the power of positive thinking and intent! I am truly honored to know them and feel the warmth they radiate wherever they go. And we are truly blessed that it isn’t his time and that he can continue to inspire the rest of us! I also found out from them that the email about this week’s meditation group seems to have gone astray and many people did not receive it. So I’m not excluded, just a victim of the whims of the internet.

All is definitely good.

Love and Light.

May 14, 2010

Once again, I find myself in a kind of walking meditative state. I’m aware of what’s around me, but feel like I’m observing it through a thick plate of glass. I’m not connecting with people as well, but am in my own personal bubble. It’s not an intentional thing as has sometimes been the case. In fact, I’d prefer it if I wasn’t so disconnected. The only thing I can think of is that I’ve disconnected for a reason which is not yet clear to me. Even while dancing last night, there were times when I totally related to the people around me, and others where it was almost as if I was alone on the dance floor. Driving home tonight, I was only vaguely aware of the beautiful drive, but mostly focused on getting home and paying attention to my cats. I got home and immediately lay down on the bed, snuggled with Munchkin for a few minutes and fell asleep for 2 hours. When I woke up, Dylan was beside me, and I gave him some tummy skritches before getting up to just kind of futz around for a couple of hours. I spent some time chatting with a couple of friends, but other than that, just played a few desultory games of solitaire. Even now, I feel kind of cloudy and not really in tune with anything. Interestingly, Scooby and Dylan have stayed close all night, so this disconnectedness doesn’t seem to be negatively affecting them.

I sit here now, knowing I have a great deal to say, but not being able to form any of it into words. It’s as if it’s all running around in my head, but not forming cohesive thoughts. I didn’t do my usual lunchtime meditation today, and maybe that’s part of why I’m disconnected and discombobulated. But I’m more inclined to believe that I’m like a pot of stew that’s just been given a brisk stir. Everything is moving quickly around the pot trying to find it’s proper place before settling down to a gentle simmer again. Even at work, I’m doing my job, but it feels a lot like I’m just going through the motions, not needing to think about what I’m doing as it’s all pretty automatic.

I haven’t had any memorable dreams the last couple of nights. I recall vague snippets, but nothing which really commands my attention or even bears reviewing or rehashing. It’s as if I’m in a waiting mode now. Waiting for something to happen, or waiting for things to come together as they’re supposed to, or waiting for another presence to arrive to be the catalyst for changes I know are coming. It’s kind of like “between” in the Pern books without the bitter cold. I’m not here and I’m not there, but somewhere in between the two. Or maybe, I’ve stepped off the path and am wandering around in the trees for a little while. There’s no clear direction, no clear goal except to just be.

A couple of animal stories before I close. Toby is still being rather a pain about playing with the blinds and clawing the bed in the middle of the night, but the other day, he took his mischievousness to a new height. I was in the bathroom taking a shower. As I got out, I heard him playing with the blinds so I started into my room to chastise him, but was brought to an abrupt halt when I realized that he’d caught his claw in the string from the blinds and had opened them about halfway. I dashed back into the bathroom to grab my robe before disentangling him. I think he scared himself a bit as he’s limited his obnoxiousness to the bottom of my bed for the last couple of days.

Second animal story. It was a beautiful day today, so I left the outside door to my office open in the afternoon. I heard a jingling but thought it was CJ returning from picking up her daughter. The next thing I know, I’m being smooched by a big, chocolate lab wearing a camo kerchief around his neck. He saw the open door and figured it meant that visitors were welcome. After giving him some attention, I had to discourage his intentions to go visit the rest of the office. Rick knew who he belonged to so he took him back to his owners. I guess he was just enjoying the nice day too!

In looking back at previous posts, I see that I’ve described this mood recently as introspective. I’m not sure that’s entirely the case right now. It may be part of it, but I am feeling less introspective now, and more laissez faire. It’s as if things have been set in motion, either by me or someone/something else, and now I need to just relax and watch it all unfold. My active participation will neither be required or helpful at this point. That is not to say that it won’t be again at some point, but in this stage, I just need to leave things alone.

Love and Light

May 16, 2010

Had a lazy day today as sinuses were less than happy, but snoozing with the furballs and a little neti pot and goldenseal and I’m good as new. Nerves are up again, though, so I know changes are coming. I’m not sure what they are but I will embrace them and make the most of them. I feel that I need to work on expanding my social circle, but at the moment, am unclear as to how that will be accomplished. Overcoming my basic shyness and the things I’ve learned to do to mask it will be essential to the process. Nothing is beyond my abilities, as long as I set my mind to it.

I watched part of a Zumba infomercial tonight. Friends have told me it’s a lot of fun, although I find it interesting that they promise rather extreme levels of success and don’t even qualify their claims with “results may vary” or some such statement which will protect them if someone fails to achieve the miraculous results they claim. I do want to check it out myself so I need to find out when the gym offers classes.

Nothing much to say tonight.

Love and Light

Blog Part 3, still feeling my way.

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May 17, 2010

(Had to cut and paste this into a new note as I overran my 65K character limit again!)

So, I had a few nights when the dreams were easily forgettable, but things have returned to normal. Last night brought interesting things out of my subconscious. One dream had me discussing budget issues with my boss at my house. I was sitting at a table (like a conference table) with him, wearing my pink fuzzy bathrobe discussing the company budget. While we were talking, a girl walked in wanting me to sign something. I didn’t recognize her and asked who she was when I got to the office. Apparently, she was a part timer someone had hired, and who didn’t seem to know who the boss was and when it was appropriate to interrupt. Later, my boss was showing me a list of employees and asking who I thought we could afford to let go. I immediately told him that we couldn’t let Janet go as she handles all of the travel and we couldn’t let Julia go or Priti wouldn’t be able to get away for her vacation. Our final decision was that everyone in the corporate office was essential and would cause negative repercussions if they were gone. This left me feeling good because I don’t want to lose anyone I have. This part is really a no-brainer as, with changes in the industry, it has been on my mind as a concern.

On another note, I did get the email for the meditation (I keep typing mediation for some reason) group today, and it looks like I can actually go to at least the beginning two-step lesson if not part of the intermediate as the group is meeting in Agoura this week. I really love to read the emails as they always contain an inspirational message which makes me stop and think. I’m really looking forward to this week as it’s been a couple of weeks since I last attended, and I’ve really come to enjoy not only the guided meditation and the study session, but also the people. I also hope that the visions I’ve had lately of a path and various things around it will become a bit clearer. In today’s meditation, I saw the path as less winding, but with more forks leading off of it. The path is still fairly narrow and I still seem to be going it alone, but now it seems that my choices are increasing, and that I will need to make some decisions along the way. Although I’m not sure, right now, what those decisions might entail, I’m sure that as I continue meditating, I will begin to find clarity, both in where the path will lead, and which choices I’ll need to make as I reach the forks in the road.

Subject change again. Both Dylan and Scooby have really been sticking to me like glue lately. Toby has as well, but is still getting himself locked out of my room at some point during the night. Loki has managed to be out with him on most occasions. I’m not sure how happy this makes her, but at least he has some company. Dylan and Munchkin, on the other hand, don’t seem to mind being locked in with me either. There is definitely a protection thing going on with the cats. Scooby even took a flying leap onto my chest this evening. Fortunately for both of us, he actually managed to keep his claws retracted for a change! I can’t even imagine who would have been the most distressed had he not, as he’s not overly fond of piercing shrieks.

Heather continues her month-long study session for finals. She has two tomorrow and one on Wednesday, after which she gets a breather for the summer. She’s a lot more driven lately, and has really gained a lot of focus. I’m proud of her for finding her way. Now if she would stop beating herself up and let herself regurgitate the facts and formulae she’s stuffed into her brain, she’ll be just fine. I know that she really does know this stuff, and has spent a lot of time using other sources to ensure that she understands. I give her credit as the coursework, now that she’s returned to her passion, isn’t easy, but she knows it’s a means to an end and is willing (if not always happily so) to do what she needs to to reach her goal. Even at my best, I was never as driven as she is right now. I take it as a good sign for her studies from here on out.

Oh, and my massage was, again, phenomenal! I really like Barb’s new place as she’s not scheduled according to someone else’s plan and leaves a few minutes to relax and chat afterwards. We’re on similar spiritual paths right now, and it’s interesting to hear her take on things. And the runes I’ve been pulling lately have really fit with what’s going on with me. Funny how that works.

Driving to work today, I found myself thinking that I’m finding it a bit tougher to find my joy the last few days. Not sure what’s going on, but at least if I’m aware of it, I can take steps to reverse the process sooner than later. And I found I was much better this afternoon when I left work, singing along with the cd’s in my car, not getting annoyed when traffic was poking along for awhile, but just singing along and taking things as they come. I feel good about finding my joy more easily again.

Anyway, this has been a rambling mess so I think I’ll call it a night.

Love and Light.

May 18, 2010

Another night of disturbing, though non-memorable (thankfully) dreams last night. More of the “killing off” theme which, although pretty morbid and disturbing at face value, implies more of a cleansing and a clearing of the slate in preparation for the next turn in my path. I am getting in at least a 20-30 minute meditation every afternoon now, with only a couple of misses. I know that is helpful in keeping me grounded. I did find myself entertaining negative thoughts on the way to work today, but, recognizing them as such, I made the effort to turn them to a more positive direction. The day, although hardly according to plan, did go fairly smoothly today and I was able to work on more issues. This is turning out to be very positive as, being out of most of the day to day aside from resolving problems and answering questions, I have time to focus on ensuring that the system is doing what it’s supposed to be doing, and if it isn’t, searching out the reasons and working on resolutions. More to work through tomorrow, then a little dancing and meditation and study. Definitely works for me!

Love and light.

May 21, 2010

Oy vey! I just realized that I’ve had lots of thoughts but no postings! Horrors!!! Interesting dreams again, but I think they’re mostly influenced by tv shows. Love triangles, pregnancies and miscarriages, stuff and nonsense. But had another really lovely meditation the other night. At one point, in imagining something most wonderful, I started out imagining a large, open home with double staircases from the foyer, located on a mountain overlooking the sea. The home was a sanctuary for people and animals, but it was also a place to learn, teach and share. Then, my vision changed and I was a being of pure light; white and shades of blue from sky to the deepest, darkest, velvety blue. I hovered in the entry with its vaulted ceilings and many windows, observing more than anything. But as it was a guided meditation, I had to leave this place before I’d normally have been ready.

I’ve found that I’m not as inclined to fall asleep during meditations any more unless that is my purpose. I have learned to remain lucid and in the moment when I meditate which allows me to really pay attention to what I see. My focus, of late, has been on my path and where it is going to take me. Of course, I’m still working on the forgiveness and the acceptance and abundance. I believe these will be lifetime concerns and ideas to meditate upon, in between whatever else comes to mind.

Will write more later, when I’ve cleared my mind. Too much jumble in there right now.

Love and light.

May 22, 2010

So, in betwixt and between the crazy dreams (more to follow) I’m pondering on what a friend said at group meditation last week. She said that she has learned to love herself, nay, she’s so in love with herself. And she had a glow about her that only added credence to her statement. What a marvelous place to be! To just love yourself fully, completely, and unconditionally. Seems simple, but the truth is, we tend to see our faults long before we notice the good things about ourselves. And in focusing on our faults, we magnify them, or even bring more faults into our lives. So, again, it’s so simple. If we just focus on loving ourselves and appreciating ourselves as we are, we’ll bring more love and appreciation and perfection into our lives! Seems pretty clear to me. Guess that is what will occupy my meditations for now. (yes, the ever changing view!)

As for dreams, this one was rather bizarre. For some reason, I had found a set of concrete stairs in a parking lot at an apartment or business complex, (a full, reaching up to a second floor staircase) and had hooked it to my car after using it to reach a second level, and was carrying it around with me. For some reason, a place I needed to reach was without ladder or stairs. I had been driving from place to place with these stairs and my car full to the brim with all manner of things, though a beach chair is one of the things that stands out. At some point, I hooked up with several people at a dance club and we were walking back to a parking lot to get our cars. One fellow seemed to stay with me from this point on as we returned to the building with the stairs which I’d apparently stashed for a bit. We used the stairs again to retrieve something, though I’m not clear right now as to what we retrieved. As we no longer needed the stairs, I said we should leave them in the parking place where I’d originally found them, so we were using the car to maneuver them back into place. It seems that we wanted to put everyone in my car but it was full of all of the things I’d been gathering, and I’d have had to leave something if we put people in the back seat. Somehow, they found other rides, and we drove back to another club. The fellow who had (for lack of a better word) attached himself to me was, among other things, a songwriter, and he’d written a song about me and our escapades, but he called me “Rose”. When we returned to the club, he asked the DJ to play the song and we were dancing to it, although it seemed that the song was already popular and being played on radio stations. It was kind of a slow, dreamy melody calling for either just close dancing or maybe a Desperado Wrap or a Nightclub Two-step. It seemed we were doing one of the first two, though, as I recall being held close. There was definitely a bond between this man and me, although it isn’t clear whether we had just met that night, or had been friends for awhile, and just connected that night. My feeling, though, is that it was the latter, as he didn’t seem like a stranger at any point. In fact, the whole group I was with seemed to be close friends for some time. There was a lot of focus on the song in the dream, although there wasn’t any particular reason for this to be so. I seemed to half wake up several times, then go back into the dream, as if it was important that certain aspects be remembered.

On other topics, the mocking birds on our patio seem to be quite active, feeding their babies who are nested in the ficus, taunting the cats, and waking Heather early in the morning. We’ll have to send them packing once the babies are able to fly. I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have bought those wind chimes I saw in Santa Barbara. I told the meditation group about them, as they were so unique and because I knew they’d understand when I described the sound as temple bells.

And lastly, I’m sending congratulatory thoughts to Naomi and Rosemary who have happy changes in their lives. Healing thoughts to Ron and Judy as they continue to grow stronger after Ron’s brush with death. Healing thoughts, also, to Bobby for the loss of his sister and his mom’s heart issues. And to Heather, strong, positive, job acquiring thoughts for a good paying job that she will be able to enjoy and put her best efforts into, and positive, good grade thoughts now that this semester’s finals are over.

And of course, Love and Light to all.

May 24, 2010

I am so excited! I have a 4 day weekend coming up, the Cajun Festival to cavort at and my big, huge, birthday to celebrate, not so quietly! We’re already planning hookups with friends at the Cajun Festival, Acadiana will be in the house, the weather is supposed to be warm but not killer….I think perfection is the order of the weekend! And dancing at Borderline on Saturday night! What could be better? Heck, I may start celebrating on Thursday night since I’m not working on Friday. Nothing wrong with birthdaying for a week, right? I’m feeling so much joy and so much love flowing out and flowing in lately! It’s an amazing time, I can’t describe how wonderful it all is, but I feel like I’m a big, glowing ball of light, all golds and pinks and greens and blues and purples. I hope that the happiness is overflowing and infectious as I really want to share with everyone I see! Maybe I’ll even drag Heather to the Palace, depending on my mood Friday night!

In other news, the mockingbird family seems to be well ensconced on my patio, with the babies yelping for food and the adults doing their best to drive the cats on the other side of the window as crazy as possible. Toby and Dylan are NOT amused! Loki seems to be less interested, especially after her very brief but traumatic foray two feet into the garage on Sunday. She now meows in terror when the door opens, if she’s too close for comfort! Good thing I don’t rely on HER for protection! She’s truly scared of her own shadow if “outside” is involved! Living within the confines of our four walls is perfectly fine with her!

Our fruit trees are glowing with health, although not all are producing yet. The plum tree has a great deal of fruit, the apricot a few, the pluot is barren this year, the citrus salad has a nice variety, and the two cherry trees produced exactly one piece of fruit, although it was really tasty! By next year, I suspect the crop will be larger as the trees will have had another year to grow and mature. They’re all growing tall this year, so I’m guessing that a lot of their energy is being used to just grow into a tall, strong tree. We’ll have such lovely shade in the next few years! I might even park my new chaise lounge underneath one of them! Ah, bliss! Who needs to travel to faraway places on vacation. I have a vacation in my own back yard! Now all I need is one of those little fire pits! S’mores anyone?

My meditation is getting to be a “pick one from the list” kind of thing as I have so many things to meditate upon. Love, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Appreciation, Joy… and the list keeps growing! My aura must be about 10 feet out at this point, I feel so much joy and such a glow! I just want to share the feeling with the world. I looked in the mirror tonight, and my skin is clear and bright. Another sign of the inner glow I’m feeling. It is definitely spreading outward rapidly. I almost want to hug everyone I see right now! What a rush!

Love and Light.

May 25, 2010

So, as I began my lunchtime (can’t say noontime as it was about 2:45 at the time!) meditation today, I once again decided to focus on Love, and it came to me, that when I focus on Love, I focus on everything; forgiveness, acceptance, abundance… all of it, because Love wraps itself around all of the good things in all of us. Afterwards, and ever since, I’ve felt such a marvelous sense of peace and well-being which pervades every cell in my body and radiates out, touching everyone and everything I get remotely close to. I feel like I could be witnessing the most horrific things imagineable (not that I choose to do so, but) and still, I would feel only love, peace and well-being. I think this may be what Judy was getting at last week when she said she was just in love with herself. In loving yourself fully and completely with no qualifications and you remove the focus on, not only any perceived faults, but even on the perception of faults. As I have read many times, and, only now am I beginning to understand, we are, each of us, perfect beings. Everything about us is as it should be in that moment, and in that perfection, we have joy and peace and love. We also have perfect health, are doing with are lives exactly what we should be. This is a phenomenal revelation, that AHA moment I knew would come to me at some point. And with this understanding, I feel very light, almost weightless and very connected to Source. I think I had an inkling of this last week during group meditation when I saw myself as a being of light. “light” can have more than one meaning, and right now, I truly do feel very light. But in this lightness of weight, I am also a being of light who isn’t specifically leading anyone, but who carries with her a feeling of peace and calm and be-ness which can be felt by anyone who is open to it. Nothing is impossible, nothing is undoable. We can all set our minds on a path of success for anything we might endeavor to do. The paths of abundance are completely open. It’s merely a matter of focusing and seeing those paths, and opening our hearts and minds to take the first step. After that, the steps will follow, ever more surely, ever more quickly. The house I keep picturing is a reality. I am picturing my books in the huge, two story library, organized by author and catalogued on my computer. I see the cat room where, not only my current children can romp and play, but where I can house my fosters until homes can be found for them. I see my workout and dance room with the mirrored walls, the plasma tv and workout videos, the weights and cardio equipment. I see the great rooms, the double staircases and the enormous kitchen which is perfectly laid out for entertaining on a grand scale. I see the gorgeous view from my patio, and smell the sea breezes. My office and media rooms have the latest technology, and I can connect to the best libraries in the world. I can learn and I can teach. And my master suite is my sanctuary, peaceful and alive with my connection to Source, the vibrations, palpable. I might even have a couple of dawgs here! Of course, they’ll need to understand that the cats are the bosses of this establishment! Even I know that! 🙂

I am a glowing orb attracting all manner of energies to me, and feeding all manner of vessels with my energy. And it is good.

Love and Light to all!

May 26, 2010

Tonight was interesting, to say the least. I went to Borderline for the two-step lessons, and really enjoyed the workout Joe gave us. But I found I was much more connected to people tonight, and more stayed to dance after the lessons. I got a couple of WCS’s in, (with a guy who actually led so I could play!) some two steps and even a Nightclub! What fun. But the real highlight of the evening was conversations. I spent so long talking to one gentleman about all sorts of things that Heather actually left before me! Bizarre! But it was interesting and enlightening, and my brain got a nice workout. Interestingly, it seems that he and John have both ended relationships recently, but the ladies aren’t quite ready to let go, but at least, in his case, the relationship lasted more than a week! So we talked about relationships, kids, chess, religion, spirituality, cabbages and kings, and my brain was happy. I really haven’t spent much time, lately, just having conversations, or getting to know people. It’s hard, most of the time, to juggle my need to dance with time spent just talking. But I guess I need to find balance in that area as well. This week should be easier as I’ll be dancing more days/nights than not. It seems that the next step in my evolution is to spend time getting to know people. I think I can handle that!

I am so pleased that with each passing day, and with the people I meet and speak with, my path is gaining clarity. I feel that it won’t be long before I am certain of the next path I will take towards fulfilling my purpose.

Love and Light.

May 28, 2010

I had a wonderful day off today, although I kept thinking it was Saturday. That’s what I get for not taking vacation time very often, I guess. I now have a new “do” which, aside from it being very slippery and unwilling to hold hair clips, I think I’m really going to like.

Heather and I went downtown with a friend of hers who was participating in open mike night at a comedy club. He was definitely the best of the open mikers, and even some of the experienced folk! And, I got to enjoy another Friday night adventure. As we were early for open mike, we stopped at a Japanese fondu place in Little Tokyo. What an enjoyable (albeit pricey) meal! The food was great, served in small portions at first, then a huge bowl of broth into which we put vegetables, noodles and cooked our meat! It was amazing and I highly recommend it! And of course, this friend of Heather’s is very witty and fun, and we have a great repartee going back and forth. It was a very enjoyable night.

And now for interesting dream time. I was dreaming that Heather and I had been invited to visit a family who lived on the beach in Malibu. We were there for dinner, then walked outside where there was a kind of tide pool. There were a lot of large flat stones around this pool, and they prevented the water from coming up to the shore. We removed a few of the stones and left for awhile, but hoped that they would allow the water to get through. We joined the people for dinner, then got into our cars to drive home. But we only drove a short distance when something caused us to go back. When we returned, there was a large number of people at the house, but they’d moved to the beach and were gathered, watching the water come in, or so it seemed. But there was definitely a hidden agenda. As we walked around, there were tables laid out with food and drink, and a bar set up under a tent. The shallow waters had become more of a marina with many small boats. Suddenly, two men put the woman we had been visiting in one of the boats and cast her adrift. This seemed to be our cue to get the heck out of dodge, but we were having trouble finding a way out, and when we did, there were a variety of roadblocks. We did, however, finally find out way out. At that point, I woke up, so I’m not sure where this might have continued to go.

Anyway, it is 1:20 AM and I am now, officially 55. Happy birthday to me! 😛

Love and Light.

May 31, 2010

Happy Memorial Day, and thank you to all of the brave men and women who give us the opportunity to celebrate this day!

I realized today that it’s been quite a while since I wrote about gratitude, yet it is an integral part of each and every day. Although it is especially pertinent today, as we show our gratitude to those who have served or do serve in our Armed Forces and keep freedom alive.

But it isn’t just the big things in life for which we need to remember to be grateful. It’s all of the little things too. That perfect parking spot. The rain that helps our plants and flowers to grow. A day of light traffic so we get to work more quickly and don’t use a much gas. And speaking of gas, I know I am especially grateful when I see a lower price at the Chevron station on the corner because it means that everyone is bringing their price down. We had the most incredibly gorgeous weekend over the holiday. How can we not be grateful for that? And I had such a marvelous, love-filled birthday! There aren’t enough words to express my gratitude for that!

My friends, on occasion, express their political beliefs on FB. While I’d prefer that they wouldn’t fill my wall with politics, I am, on the other hand, grateful that, regardless of where we stand, we are able to share our position if we so choose. (OK, so when someone spends a little too much time being political, I’m also grateful for the “hide” option!)

I keep thinking back to the conversation I had last week and several thoughts fill my head. First, if the positions he shared were real and not designed merely to gauge my reactions, I am rather concerned that such viewpoints are out there, and more, may be more prevalent than I realize. I guess I had assumed, on some level, that Christians, regardless of the sect, pretty much stood together. It appears, from what I heard, that this is not the case at all. In fact, they might even be more likely to criticize another Christian than someone from a different faith entirely. Can it really be true that some groups believe that others worship the wrong Jesus? Even the Jews believe the man existed! How can there be a right one and a wrong one, if they all use, basically, the same bible and the same foundation for their beliefs? I am baffled by this, despite the fact that Joleen had talked about times when she’d been told that Mormons weren’t “real” christians! It’s small wonder that people like me find organized religion dysfunctional at best. I really do take issue with anyone claiming to have gotten the “call” and then having the audacity to actually stand up every week and tell people what the bible, the holy scriptures or whatever document they hold dear, says, how it should be interpreted, and, worse yet, how it should be lived! Aren’t we all capable of listening to our hearts and to Mother Earth, Spirit and/or whatever names we put on our beliefs and figure it out? And when we can’t figure it out for ourselves, there are many who are open minded and will share what they believe, not for the purpose of converting or convincing, but more to help us clarify what is right for us. And I don’t just limit this to the non-religious Spiritualists. I really have learned a lot from my religious friends as well. I don’t typically agree with their definitions and methodology, but learning about what they believe and why gives me food for thought, and allows me to move a bit further down my path, BY gaining understanding of other peoples’ beliefs. I cannot truly be open-minded if I rely on heresy and what one or two people tell me as the whole picture for everyone I encounter. What I am learning lately is even to accept those who are close-minded and believe their way is the only way. Accepting is by no means agreeing. It is merely saying “you have a right to your beliefs and convictions, and even though I may disagree, I disagree for myself, and would not assume that I could or would try to convince you to alter those beliefs.” That is not to say that I won’t share where I’m coming from, if asked, but I’m not really likely to offer unless the discussion warrants. What I believe only works for me because I believe it is so. Just as what works for others works for them because they believe in whatever that might be.

On the other hand, if he was just pulling my chain and taking a very strong position which he determined was opposite mine for reactions’ sake, it was still not a waste of time. Whether he believes the things he said or not, he provided me with another example of a belief pattern that isn’t mine, but which I endeavor to accept as that of other people. He gave me reason to think but, in this case, I didn’t question my beliefs, only realized more fully, that they are a strong, positive place for me to be. I’m reminded that I have no desire or requirement to convince anyone about where I stand. The only one who needs to truly understand is me. And the only way I will is to continue to question, listen and grow.

The long and the short of this is, I am very grateful that I am given these opportunities to examine what I believe, gain insight into what others believe and to further solidify my path.

Love and Light

June 1, 2010

Holy canoli! Is it really June already?

So, I’ve had this red and white bedroom furniture (ok, 1 nightstand, a student desk and a dresser) since I was about 15. It was in one of the kids’ rooms until my divorce when my ex took the bedroom furniture ( a hand me down from his sister) with him. I had no problem with that as I had my old standby which was easily moved into my room. So here it is, 2010, and said furniture is now, oh, about 40 years old. It’s a bit beat up but hey, I know some people who don’t look half as good at 40!

So on Sunday as we were leaving for the Cajun Festival, my neighbor comes over to ask if I want her daughter’s (a friend of mine) bedroom furniture from her Simi house as they are clearing it out (she’s finally moving down to Carlsbad with her hubby). Now I know my friend, and no matter what, it’s going to be a lot nicer and in much better shape than what I have, and better yet, it will be grown up furniture! How could I resist! So we gave her the clicker for the garage, and when we got home, the furniture was there waiting for us. Now, my daughter, Heather, being the industrious sort, quickly recruits a couple of her more manly friends to help move this stuff, as it’s oak and rather heavy. What she didn’t want to do was wait for me to go through everything and clear out the drawers and such. I arrived home to find the new furniture installed and the contents of my drawers either in bins on top of the dresser or piled on my bed. One gigantic trash bag later, I have put the remaining clothes away in the drawers, emptied the last of the old drawers, put everything out at the curb, neatly reassembled, and worn myself out! (and I hadn’t even STARTED laundry yet!) Needless to say, there is still a bankers’ box full of stuff that was either on the wall where the mirror needed to go (did I mention the dresser has a gorgeous 3 paneled mirror?) sitting on one of the nightstands as I just could not put one more thing away. However, this leaves a large portion of the dresser pretty empty, which means that Toby and Loki really MUST place their oh so fluffy bodies upon the surface. After chasing them off several times, they finally got the message…for now! I’m not holding out a lot of hope, given the remarkably short attention span of the average feline. But it gets even better. As I’m trying to get the last four drawers from the old set out of the house, Munchkin decides, for the second time today, that she REALLY needs to see what it looks like outside, and especially in the neighbors front yard. I’m panicking that, in her brilliance, she might head towards the street and, although we aren’t on a major street, cars do pass by pretty frequently. Fortunately, she found the neighbors’ front yard a lot more fascinating than the street, and was soon investigating their ivy (again for the second time today!). I walked around the corner to find my little princess stepping gingerly through said ivy and meowing pitifully. Finished with her adventure, she allowed me to pick her up and carry her home!

By now, I’m completely wiped out, and the laundry STILL isn’t done! So I shift a couple of things around to get to the laundry baskets, and head off to laundry hell. But all of my capris are dirty and the weatherman is predicting increasingly warm temperatures over the next few days. Added to that is the fact that the next night I’ll be home at anything resembling a reasonable hour will be Friday and if I wait until then to wash my clothes, I truly will by frying by Friday! So here I sit, waiting for the dryer to finish drying my first load so I can throw the second one in, clear the last of the stuff from my bed and crawl into it and become unconscious for 4 or 5 hours! Something tells me I’m going to be ready for that meditation tomorrow night!

I guess I didn’t spend a lot of time pondering my path today. But as I truly do feel that I’m heading in the right direction, I’m sure the pondering can skip a day and still stay on track. I did have a fleeting thought that, at some point, this path and I would benefit from finding a way to combine my quest with something that will improve my financial well-being and allow me more time to make that positive impact I envision. So many dreams lately involve rescuing large groups of people, sometimes in rather humorous ways, but the theme really does seem to be rescuing.

I’m sure I’ll have much to recount tomorrow after the guided meditation, so until then, I shall become the Laundress and then the Sleeper.

Love and Light.

June 3, 2010

What an amazing couple of days! Last night’s guided meditation was totally phenomenal. I especially enjoyed the visual he gave us of a golden angel drizzling gold light down upon us! The group was especially powerful as well. We completely filled the room to overflowing with love and powerful energy. Had we set a particular intention, we would have surely been successful beyond our wildest imaginings! We truly are “Spiritual beings having a human experience”. I was talking to Priti today about third eye meditations and how, when I was able to achieve it, which happens more and more lately, I actually see an eye. She was amazed and said that her husband does too, but he’s VERY experienced at meditating as he is very religious about it, honoring both sunrise and sunset with meditations, and generally meditating for 2 hours or more at a time. Tonight, Sherry from the group who also dances was finally able to come to BL for a bit. When I mentioned it to her, she lit up and said that she thought it was something only she experienced! It never ceases to amaze me that as we learn and grow, we find more and more areas of our lives where we thought we were alone, but now find that we really aren’t! I am basking in the love and the supportive energy I am enjoying more and more all the time!

On another note, the guy from last week was there tonight. Came by to say hello and give me a hug, watched me line dance for awhile and stopped by the table to talk for a bit again. I was going to go over and ask him for a WCS, but by the time I crossed the room, he was dancing with Candy. Next time, maybe. So does he feel drawn to me because I’m so different, or because he sees me as a challenge, someone to try to change, or just because of all of the positive energy which he may or may not even understand? Perhaps he is just part of my path right now; a catalyst for me to increase my knowledge and understanding. Time will tell.

Pleasantly tired from mostly line dancing tonight. Will probably turn in early. And Heather starts her new job tomorrow. Hooray!!!!!

Love and Light

June 6, 2010

So much to write and I just haven’t written for the last few days. I guess I just needed to let it all germinate!

At the invitation of a couple from my meditation group (also dancers I met awhile ago at BL) I went to the Lake Shrine to meditate on Friday night. What an amazing experience! The minute I stepped into their outer courtyard, I felt an amazing sense of peace and tranquility embrace me. There were a few people milling around, waiting for the gentlemen who led the pre-meditation exercises to arrive, and we all seemed to go into our own spaces for the most part. The exercises were an interesting blend of balance and stretch and relaxing ourselves to open up to whatever our meditation might bring. The first hour was semi guided and included some very simple chants which were easy to pick up as they were very repetitive. The sponsors of the meditation, The Self-realization Fellowship, were an interesting combination of Indian (as in the country) religious beliefs combined with a smattering of Christianity, including Jesus in their grouping of wise and revered men. Although I don’t share their beliefs on the religious side, the meditation was very enlightening and fulfilling. The part which sticks most in my mind is the image he gave us of waves of peace flowing over us. I felt as if I was in the ocean, floating gently while the waves of peace simply bumped up against me, holding me in a small floating island of utter tranquility and love. Although I have stronger, more intense experiences with Tony’s fully guided meditations, and even my own, private ones, this was no less of an experience. I’m finding that different meditative experiences only serve to enhance my growth these days.

I was going to participate in the public, outdoor meditation today, but spent the entire day in my back yard, in my lounge chair, reading and watching the cats play and stare down the neighbors’ dogs. I started to do the meditation there, but between the dogs barking, the neighbor kids shrieking in their yard and the neighbors across the street conversing loudly while playing their radio loud enough for the entire neighborhood, I was unable to close it all off. I did, later, come inside and meditate in my room where Munchkin felt she needed to share the experience. Shortly after I lay down, she jumped on the bed and curled up beside me with her paw on my arm. Later, while watching a movie with Heather, Dylan was laying beside me and, I swear, he looked like he was in his own meditative state. As minor deities, I wouldn’t be surprised if they did have the ability to reach a meditative state of their own!

I received a lot of compliments this weekend on my post-Brazilian blowout hairstyle, including being told I looked younger and thinner. Who could complain about that! I did find myself sliding a little into a less than blissful state last night when the dj didn’t play too many of the line dances I love, and there were not the usual complement of men to two-step and couples dance with. I got a couple of dances in with Ali and one with Wayne, however, so it really wasn’t bad. I guess I just wanted more, but as I’m dancing 3-4 nights a week now, I know that I’ll make up for it another time. There just isn’t any such thing as a bad night of dancing!

I have a couple of friends who need extra help in moving their lives back into a better groove, so I’m holding them in my thoughts and meditations, and sending extra love and light their way.

Love and light.

June 7, 2010

So we’re counting down to Disneyland now. And it looks like the word is getting spread, in spite of my incompetence at setting events up properly! But the event is finally set up on the group site as well as my own, so we’ll see what happens! I’d love to have a huge group of us 55-ers to take Disneyland by storm! Just have to nail down plans and make sure that Heather’s schedule is adjusted accordingly (wouldn’t want her to have to work at 4 AM on Wednesday after running around Disneyland all day on Tuesday!)

Meditations the last couple of days have been very quiet and not overly memorable. Same for dreams. Am I backsliding? hitting a lull? taking a wrong turn? Nah, I don’t believe there are any wrong turns. Maybe just that I’ve been meditating on peace and love and that’s exactly what I’m getting? I believe I’ll do a path focus tonight just to make sure I’m ok. I’ll be missing the group meditation on Wednesday for the two-step class, so I need to keep my focus. But in some ways, my mind is counting down towards vacation, and that has my mind over occupied.

Dylan is once again very clingy. Maybe he senses the aimlessness I’m feeling right now and he’s trying to help. Munchkin is also spending more time with me. They definitely sense differences and changes and react to them. I don’t ignore behaviour changes in my furry children. And speaking of which, got good news today. Dylan is still Giardia free! Hooray! My boy has his antibodies up and the nasty germies can’t get to him! Gotta keep these guys fit and healthy and happy! It’s the least I can do for all of the love they give, and the stress relief they offer.

Going to get to bed early tonight as I didn’t sleep well last night, especially with Heather getting up at 2:30 AM to get ready for work! Ack!

Love and Light.

June 10, 2010

Well, once again, I haven’t written anything in a couple of days, but it’s been a pretty non-memorable couple of days. Not that I haven’t enjoyed them, just nothing exciting to impart. Went to the two-step lessons last night, and regular country night tonight. Saw friends, chatted, danced, teased Heather. The usual. 🙂 It appears that the Disneyland trip may be just me, Heather and one of her friends. No matter. We’ll still have fun! And if anyone else does decide to join us, it’ll just be gravy!

Dreams have been wild and eventful, but like the days, not especially memorable or noteworthy. Of note IS the fact that, for the last several days, I seem to look at the computer at exactly 11:11 once or even twice a day! Definitely a “new beginnings” kind of thing, but, as has been true for quite awhile, I’m really not sure where it will come from. It seems like there are far more new beginnings in Heather’s life right now, but who knows? For now, I’m just relaxing and enjoying the ride.

The new hairdo is getting a lot of compliments and more than one person has told me that it makes me look younger. I think, though, that the meditation has a lot more to do with it as it is taking the stress out of my body, and, as such, out of my face as well. And if the stress is leaving my body, it’s taking large amounts of toxins with it, which will also reflect on face and skin! It’s a win-win all the way around!

Toby had me a bit concerned this morning. He kept digging at the pillows and my comforter, but since I was sleeping on top of the covers, it wasn’t like I could let him under. I finally had to lock him out because he just wouldn’t stop digging. In thinking about it now, though, he has, in the past, wanted to crawl under the covers to snuggle with me. Maybe that’s all it was. Silly boy! And Dylan didn’t have any problem with me sleeping with my arm resting on him. Which reminds me. Scooby was hysterical yesterday morning. Just as I turned on the shower, an orange blur flew in, slid on the edge of the bathtub and settled between the shower curtains inside the tub. He is such a goofball!

Well, time to relax and unwind. One more work day, then I hope to spend some time cleaning out closets and decluttering this weekend. I just need to keep focused! I’m sure there are things I’ve forgotten I have!

Love and Light

June 12, 2010

So I was perusing the website for the local cat rescue organization this week and happened to really read their section on volunteers. Up to this point, I thought that if I couldn’t foster, I wasn’t going to be able to help (aside from money, of course!). Was I surprised to find out they have lots of other things I can do! So today, I’m working on an article for them to send to the local paper and tomorrow I’ll go meet with them and maybe spend time at their adoption events socializing kitties. What fun! And if I can help them find homes for the cats they have, they’ll be able to rescue more, and help bring those horrible numbers (over 2500 a year in Ventura alone!) of euthanizations waaay down! And so many of them merely have the misfortune of being born wild. I tell you, I wouldn’t mind a few wild ones keeping the freakin’ birds out of my fruit trees, let me tell you! At this point, I’d happily put out water and cat chow for them! Now that I think about it, I think I’ll get a big feeder and water dish and do just that!

How about that! I think I’ve found at least a piece of my path. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how I could help find homes for cats and kittens, but I think I want to also focus on the health benefits of giving a pet a good, loving home as well. I’ll have to give some thought to it, but will definitely see if I can work it into the article! I really feel, though, that what I’m seeking is beginning to come together (must be all of those 11:11’s I was seeing!). Here is a cause a believe wholeheartedly in, and they have a need for one of my talents, writing. They’ve also opened my eyes to other things I can do to help! I did have a feeling that when the light dawned, it would dawn brightly and things would begin to happen quickly! And here they go! I can only imagine what will come next! I’m very excited about my own growth potential as well as the potential for good that it will bring with it!

Love and Light

June 14, 2010

So today’s topic is: the body is not always a nice place to be. Why? I’m going to tell you. As a woman, we get that delightful part of our lives when we’re warming up (and I do mean “warming up”) for menopause, and with luck, after about 8-10 years, it all culminates in our losing that lovely part of our monthly routine. You know what I mean. Our monthly gift, Aunt Flo, the curse…it goes by many names, but when we reach that one year point and it hasn’t come back, we can’t help but breathe a huge sigh of relief! But of course, the body isn’t going to let us get off that easily. Oh, no! Just when we become complacent and grateful for the lack of certain nasty events, WHAM! It blindsides us as if to say “PSYCH! I was only kidding! Enjoy your present!” Bleccch! Now, of course, having gotten out of the habit of dealing with it all, we feel like warmed over peas porridge cold! Our energy level drops into the sewer, we get all weepy and moody AGAIN!!! And I say, NOT FAIR!!!! If you’re done, you should be done and that’s that! NO do overs. NO Psych’s! NO “oops, I didn’t really mean it”s. Because now you’re back to “ok, one month….now two months….three months…will I make it to four?? five months…6 months….”c’mon, baby, just a few more months and I’m home free!”
According to statistics, the average woman is done by age 50. So does that mean that those of us who are over 50 are making up for the ones who got it over with at 45? Hey, ladies! I don’t WANT your share, ok? Take it back!

Anyway, thus ends today’s rant. On to more enjoyable things. So Heather and I are volunteering for Pink Paws. I’m doing some writing, and we’re both going to help clean cages, feed and water the ones who spend a week or two at the pet store, and cuddle kitties whenever possible. I’m so happy to have found a way to help. When I started researching statistics just for Ventura County, I was appalled! So many cats (and dogs) destroyed every year, and for what? so the humans can keep multiplying? It’s so unfair! Humans cause stress while animals ease it. I’m that much more eager to have a place where I can have lots of babies even if only on a temporary basis, to spoil and love and show that good homes are out there! The young lady who maintains the fb group is doing a really amazing job! She takes fab ulous pictures of the adoptable ones and writes really cute and informative blurbs about them. You can really tell that she loves them all, and wants each one to have a wonderful person like her! I am very pleased to be a part of this group!

Life is really good! Job is good, friends are good, meditation is marvelous, dancing is amazing! And I figured my church-y friend would hook up with the guy I spent a couple of hours talking to, and it seems she did. She’s being very coy about it, but I hope they can find a way to enjoy each other as I think they look cute together and definitely share values. Oy, I’m becoming such a yenta!

Anyway, off to rest this contrary body of mine.

Love and light.

June 20, 2010

I have been quite remiss about writing the last few days, but I’ve been on a roller coaster of migraines, the latest of which I’ve been able to halt before a major headache took over, but the eye goofies have been a challenge as well. I’m hoping they’ve run their course since Disneyland is imminent. It seems that my “event” has become “celebrate MY 55th with Disneyland” as all of the original interest in the plan seems to have petered out. As I’ve rarely had a lot of success putting a party together, I’m not going to let this edition bother me. Heather, her friend and I will have a blast at Disneyland, and Rich may join us if he gets the message and is available. And it’s very nice to have a whole week off of work, too!

I am, again, having interesting dreams, and interesting meditations. And I’m still seeing 11:11 far more than mere coincidence would dictate. But in trying to describe last night’s dreams, I am at a loss because they moved so fast and the plot line was extremely convoluted. In one part, I was waiting in line with 2 friends to get into some kind of event. The line was stretched along a city block. I looked up and the line had moved up out of sight, while me and the people behind me remained behind. I ran to catch up with my friends, but they were long out of sight. Eventually, I was sneaking through peoples’ Japanese style homes trying to get to my friends, but there was some kind of danger and people being chased and captured. For some reason, even when I was in plain sight, nobody could see me, though I was still being very careful. The fact that they couldn’t see me didn’t seem odd either. I seemed to be going from home to home, continually climbing a stepped hillside. My destination was some kind of castle or stadium at the top of the mountain. It was never quite clear why the line from my friends forward was able to pass through the gates while the line from me back was not. The dream kept shifting to another where I was trying to kill some kind of supernatural creature and it’s spawn, but again, it wasn’t clear what or why, only that it was imperative I destroy this creature.

In spite of the dreams, I am still feeling a sense of moving forward, new beginnings and, possibly, a significant change in direction. So the future is still an exciting mystery I look forward to unfolding.

Stay tuned for reports from the Magic Kingdom!

Love and Light.

June 27, 2010

Wow! Haven’t written anything since I’ve been on vacation! I guess I vacationed from everything! Anyway, I had to get this down as it really feels important.

Last night dreams were interesting. In one in particular, I was standing in a group of people, waiting for a meeting to get started. One woman started talking about something she had read about and I put a name to it, “directed intent”. She then insisted that she didn’t believe that it would work. She’d tried it and failed. I tried to explain to her that you either have to start with small things or wait for the bigger ones to manifest, and that I’d been extremely successful with things like parking spots and green lights. I then walked away with a guy I know from work who smokes and as we walked, I kept getting cigarette burns on the knit pants I was wearing which caused me to think “well, I guess I won’t be wearing these pants to work any more”. We sat down in a kind of outdoor lobby and started discussing pricing for an upcoming proposal. My mind wandered a bit as I looked around the area in which we were sitting. There were several conversation areas containing sofas grouped around a glass coffee table. I was lounging against a pillow on the sofa, then thought I had sat on someone’s bed as there was also a blanket. But when I looked around I saw that every sofa in this area had a good sized pillow and a throw at each end. It seemed that the area was set up for people to come and sit in the evenings, so the blankets were there in case it got a little chilly. There were also showers in the area, and one fellow came out to use one of them. I asked him why he didn’t use the one in his apartment but didn’t catch his reply as a girl came out of the apartment laughing. They said something about going to Canada for some skiing, and I told them I’d heard that it was warmer in Canada right now than it was here. (A friend from dancing just came back and told me that, but I’m not really sure why it ended up in my dream.)

I don’t get a whole lot of of this beyond the directed intent, and I’m not sure if this indicates that I should be talking about it more or implementing it in a particular direction, but it definitely has me thinking.

Love and light

June 30, 2010

So I was thinking today that part of the reason I’ve been less dilligent about posting here is that I feel like I’m stagnating at the moment. Meditations continue, but I’m not really seeing anything of note right now. I am still getting the feeling of calm, but no strong feelings in any direction. I did feel that most of the month of June was very quiet and uneventful at work but knew that it was only a temporary respite. Today proved how right I was. Not only was I trying to get the end of month activities done, but the proposal I knew we were working on suddenly became an urgent issue because lines of communication had disintegrated so that target dates were not clearly communicated. Not insurmountable, but it meant that I got a call from the BD manager in charge wanting to know status, and I had nothing to report as it hadn’t been submitted to me yet. Several hours later, we’re further along, but I still don’t have base labor rates to slot into my worksheet. I do, however, have forward pricing, such as it is, and the rates we’ll be using to do the pricing at this point, so that’s a big plus. On some proposals, this requires several iterations and many meetings before this part is finalized.

So work is busy again, which is good as I really prefer being busy, life is kind of moving along. Much is in a pattern and I feel that, for some reason, I’m in a holding pattern. But holding for what? That’s the question I don’t seem to be able to get an answer to. Another is, holding why? Meditations don’t even go in that direction as if it’s just not important right now. I can’t really believe that’s true, but I’m definitely not making any headway on my path right now.

On another note, I am trying the gluten free diet right now and, if nothing else, I’ve noticed that the horrible gas I had been experiencing is completely gone! It’s too early to nail it down and attribute it to just the gluten, as I’ve had to make major changes in my diet to follow this plan, but time will tell. And, my cholesterol went from 260 last year to 191 this year, so I must be doing something right! And this weekend is Fourth of July! Don’t know if I’ll actually go anywhere for the Fourth as I always worry about the cats when all of the fireworks are going off, but it will be nice to have another long weekend!

I didn’t make it to meditation group tonight as I worked until 8:30 but I will get one in anyway, when I lay down before I sleep. My bed is more comfortable for me to meditate in anyway. I usually end up with some kind of straight back chair at group, and I prefer comfort to what some people would consider form. 🙂

Love and light.

July 2, 2010

I have a friend who has been experiencing a lot of deaths, or family members with terminal health issues lately, and it made me think about some things I’d read awhile back. Essentially, a woman was blogging about how many people are choosing to leave this dimension lately, and, ostensibly, move up to the higher dimensions which, as near as I can tell, represent a higher level of self-actualization, but also a closer connection to spirit. It is all tied in to many changes people believe are occurring in the world right now, predominantly with regard to Earth herself, and the major changes occurring both to the Earth herself, and to the weather patterns. Although, thankfully, those close to me (of which the numbers are rather low right now) are enjoying good health, I have to admit that those around me have experienced an excessive number of deaths over the past few months, some by natural causes, and others, not. It almost seems, though, that the ones who are “choosing” to leave right now are not necessarily the most enlightened (I know I’ll take heat for the use of this word, but I can’t think of a better one at the moment), and, in fact, they seem to be leaving more elbow room for the light workers. This does make its own kind of sense to me, as I still have faith that the damage humanity has done to the earth can be reversed given enough effort. So maybe those less inclined to aid the effort are, at some level, being encouraged to leave so that, if nothing else, the damage can be slowed until it can be reversed. Seismic activity is up again, and I’m hearing reports of dreadful weather around Texas and other southern states. There are also concerns that major sunspots could wipe out everything in our technology and power grids. If so, we really do need to get back to the earth sooner than later so we can sustain ourselves if things shut down, even for a short time.

I do know that, for now, I’m choosing to stay as I believe that my efforts are needed here, either to help those leaving to cross over in an orderly fashion, or to join with the rest who will stay behind to heal the earth so that, perhaps, the next time around, we won’t lose our love and respect for the place which sustains us. It is important that we put safeguards in place so that the lessons the American Indians, the Wiccans and others know won’t get lost in the rushes for power, wealth and “faster, better, easier” ways. A tradition of always replacing what we use, with as much or more than we take is essential if the earth is going to continue to survive the human experience.

Love and Light.

July 6, 2010

Tonight I learned how to dismantle and reassemble a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Now, why, in heaven’s name, especially after 11:00 in the evening, would I want to embark on such a lesson? It all started when I emptied my bottle of Chromiacin this morning, and since my cholesterol dropped SOO much since last year, I don’t want to mess with a good thing. As I couldn’t immediately locate the spare bottle this morning, I thought it wise to search tonight to avoid delays in the morning. So I pulled out the vacuum cleaner and the Swifter wet jet to make my search simpler,and lo and behold, there was the bottle on the floor where it had been knocked from the admittedly overcrowded shelf. That should have been the end of it, right? Put the wet jet and vacuum back, put the Chromiacin in the bathroom and get ready for bed. Which is exactly what would have happened had I not noticed a suspicious looking grey and pink tube laying on the floor. As the colors and material exactly matched the vacuum cleaner, I said to myself, “Self” I said: “Where might this little grey and pink tube have fallen off of the vacuum cleaner?” With which I embarked on what was supposed to be a simple search for its proper place, and ended up with dismantling the vacuum cleaner’s beater bar to remove a wastebasket full of cat and human hair which had wound itself around the bar to the point where I wondered how the poor thing had even functioned! There was, no lie, two inches of hair and fur around that little bar and brush apparatus! Armed with scissors, a penny and, later, a screwdriver, I patiently clipped and pulled until the bar was clean. And that should have been the end of it. Snap the bar back in place, twist the three screws back in place and, Voila! Sadly, my voila moment was delayed while I twisted and turned said bar trying to figure out how to get the now free end back into the encasement. Twenty minutes and about 3 pounds of sweat later, I’d finally accomplished that feat, only to discover that the darn thing had to be positioned strategically in order to allow the screws to slip into their slots and turn. Another 20 minutes of futzing, and the thing was back together. THAT should have been the end of it, right? WRONG. When I set the vacuum cleaner down on the floor, about 3 cups of cat food fell out of the bottom. SOMEONE hasn’t learned to empty the thing when they’re done with it! So now I have a pile of cat food in the middle of my bedroom floor, which, as soon as I turn on the vacuum, scatters to the four corners! Now, I’m vacuuming the bedroom and half of the hallway at nearly midnight, while the cats are giving me that look which says “you couldn’t do this when we weren’t getting comfortable on your bed? Surely you could have timed this better! You KNOW how we hate that noisy thing!” There really is no pleasing a feline! But I do feel a sense of accomplishment, not only having figured out the inner workings of that machine, but now my bedroom is semi-vacuumed and yes, the vacuum cleaner is empty and the bar is furless, at least until we use it another time or two!

But, I realize I lied. This didn’t really start with the empty bottle of Chromiacin. It started Saturday after my massage when I spent about an hour talking to my massage therapist about a lot of different things: The BP disaster, spiritual stuff, and wherever our minds wandered. As we talked, she had my pull a rune as she often does, then we talked about the explanation for the rune I pulled. This led to a discussion about physical, emotional and spiritual clutter, of which I have more than my share. But I had an epiphany (which I had to retype 4 times to spell it right!). Until I decluttered my physical world, it would be an uphill battle to declutter my emotional and spiritual worlds. This led to my spending part of Sunday and Monday getting my closets, quite literally, in order. I removed thirty years worth of out of date, out of style and waaaay too small clothes from my closets, leaving me with a ton of space, and the opportunity to finally empty and disassemble the clothes rack in my den which Scooby had taken to hiding behind. At the end of it all, I have maybe 35-40% empty space in my closets, and I haven’t even tackled the shoes yet! I’ve decided that it will be easier to work my way forward from the back of the house as the front just keeps getting things dumped on. If I make room to put things away as soon as I walk in, they’re more likely to get put away and make it easier to keep the rest of the house clutter-free. Of course, I also have to make this a very strong example for my darling daughter so she will follow suit and declutter her rooms as well. But it really is a start! I can now get into my den to organize and declutter it as well.

I remember talking to my friend, Annette, about just tossing so many things every week until the clutter was gone. I started a couple of times, but just never got very far. I’ve organized a couple of areas, but the bigger picture is still disaster city. I finally see that finding resolution. It won’t happen over night, any more than I’ll find the healthy, fit, strong body I’m envisioning more regularly lately, but the goal has finally entered the realm of possibility after being just a hopeless wish for so long! Yes, it’s up to me to make it happen, but somehow, I’ve found what I needed in myself to take those steps! (and by the way, I’m into week two of being Gluten free!)

Love and Light

July 15, 2010

I’m getting worse about my journaling, I’m afraid, but I needed to mull things over, and, after last night’s meditation, I think I’m finding some clarity. As mentioned before, I’ve been starting to do some serious decluttering, and after my experience last night, I believe I am seeing results.

He took us to a totally black tunnel which, as we started to go through, guided us, one by one, through the chakra colors: First red for the root, then orange, yellow and finally, Green for the heart chakra, blue for throat, indigo for third eye and violet for crown. Interestingly, not only did I feel some resistance regarding entering the tunnel in the first place, but something else, which, for me, is highly unusual. I was unable to visualize red at all, orange and yellow came in, but washed out. But even before it was green’s turn, it came in as if liquid, flooding the tunnel with a vivid, intense green through which floated pools of a very clear blue. Indigo and violet weren’t as vivid, but were, at least, clear. At the end of the tunnel, he had us come out in a void, but instead of the void being dark, mine was filled with bright, intense light, and filled with energy. I realized that I was the light and the energy! At the time, I didn’t really understand what the imagery was telling me, but as I mulled it around in my brain, I realized that THIS is my path. I am a healer, and this is what I must do. I further mulled over the appearance of the blue running through the green and believe that this indicates not only will I be healing, but I will be teaching others how to heal. I believe that this healing has more to do with the earth than animals and people, but it can certainly encompass both. I am very excited about finally starting to get some answers, and am including these in my meditations now to help clarify just what I need to do to get where I need to go.

On another note, I’m still gluten free, but seem to be craving french fries, especially when I’ve been dancing. But they have to be the thicker ones that are soft inside. Weird.

Love and Light.

Blog Part 4,  Still trying to figure it out.

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July 17, 2010

Just a quick post, thanks to Candy’s and Joleen’s encouragement.

Heather and I worked at the kitty rescue adoption today and I’m happy to say that at least 5 purr babies found new homes including a gorgeous 12 year old Himalayan who is very sweet, and was abandoned when her family brought a new baby into the house and didn’t have the sense to make sure she didn’t feel like she was being replaced! Kudos to the couple who saw the gem she is and adopted her for and will allow her to live out the rest of her days loved. Jackson and Jeremy, the boys Heather and I fell in love with are still available, although it looks like one of them will be adopted tomorrow. I feel so blessed that I have been given the opportunity to help this group in their amazing efforts to find homes for all of these sweet babies!

Dancing tonight was good, but I’m very, very tired from my long day, so that’s it for tonight’s post.

Love and light.

July 18, 2010

Another hot day in Paradise. Heather and I got our shopping done somewhat early (though not as early as planned), then she went on her date and I vegged instead of getting the financial stuff together that I was supposed to. Can’t procrastinate too long as there’s serious digging out that needs to be done!

Shakespeare’s Comedy of Errors was hysterical, although they took some serious license with the script. I swear, Heather was about to hatch an egg at one point! 🙂 Good times, good friends. A Winter’s Tale is next. I love the summer plays in the park!

We’re doing kitty cleanup tomorrow night and working the adoptions next Sunday. Hopefully, more babies will find their forever homes!

Love and Light.

July 19, 2010

Fairly easy day at work today. answered a few questions, put a few numbers together. Typical day at the office. :). Went to do our first shift this week of taking care of the rescue kitties. Gave Jeremy and Jackson extra lovin’s and they just snuggled on in. Let a lady in while we were cleaning who was looking for a little girl to keep her cat company as one of hers was giving into the cancer he’d had for awhile. First she spotted Molly who’d already been spoken for, so we showed her Talulah. It was a match made in heaven. Talulah lay on her shoulder, closed her eyes and you could just see that little speech bubble above her head saying “yep, I’ve found my person!” It was adorable. A bit later, an obnoxious man with even more obnoxious kids was banging on the glass. We told him we needed to finish cleaning. He said he wanted to adopt Talulah for his kids. When we told him that he couldn’t adopt one right that minute (and we certainly weren’t going to let him have Talulah!) he told his kids that he guessed we didn’t want to adopt any kittens and left (thank goodness! I’d have had to tell the ladies who run the group that we didn’t feel that he’d make a good cat parent, and those kids were hellions!) Although we’d like to find homes for the babies, I can see why they kind of get a feel for people and know when they’d rather keep searching than send one of their babies home with certain people!

Anyway, everyone was snuggled, cleaned and got clean water and topped off food. Once again, it took us about an hour and a half, as we had to give everyone who wanted it some time and love! I’m loving this! It seems we have an extra large number of kitties so they’re setting up adoptions in several places this weekend and asked us to be there on Saturday, so I guess, after the massage I almost forgot about, I’ll be there!

Love, light and forever homes for our kitties!

July 20, 2010

So, Joleen and Candy. I am endeavoring to do this every single day, even if it’s just a line or two!

Interesting day today. Started out as days have lately, with Mr. Dylan and Mr. Toby insisting that I should really stay in bed with them, loafing the day away as only a cat can! Had harsh words with Heather, so I was cranky when I got to work, but managed to get over it as the day progressed. Lots of questions and issues, then was an ear for a few, got the call from the attorney I was expecting yesterday, but by the time she called, everything had been resolved.

Came home ready to clean the kitchen and work on paperwork, but not only had Heather beat me to it, but she was digging old documents out of the storage room when I got home. As annoyed as I get with her, she’s really a great kid, but don’t tell her I said so! She’d also called Battered Women (now why does that give me a picture of a woman who’s been rolling in Panko breadcrumbs? Yikes!) to arrange for the clothes to be picked up, so I had to go through the shoes. It all worked out since I didn’t have to work on the kitchen, I had time for shoes. Got rid of lots, with a few pairs going to work for Knechele if she wants them, and the nightstand I’d piled shoeboxes on from the floor is now clear except for the box of stuff that was on top of the dresser and which needs sorting and such. Slowly, but surely, the clutter is leaving me! Which reminds me, Heather also cleaned up the living room some. Both sofas are now cleared off. It’s a step in the right direction! We just have to keep taking these baby steps, and, ultimately, the clutter will be organized or gone!

So life is good. I got a lot done tonight, cleaned kitty cages last night, and dance the next two nights. Looks like Friday will be the second Shakespeare play, Saturday will be massage, cat adoptions and dancing and Sunday will have to be spent doing this paperwork! Hopefully, I’ll find everything I need! A sorting I will go, a sorting I will go..tra la la la la.

Love and Light.

July 21, 2010

Hooray! According to the Wii, I’ve lost 6 pounds since I was at the doctor’s office a month ago, assuming the two scales are in line! (hopefully, I’ve really lost more!). So it seems this gluten free gig is working! A good day today, spent some time teaching a couple of my staff. I really like when they ask questions because it shows me that they really want to understand what they’re doing rather than doing things by rote. Went to the two-step lessons tonight. The intermediate class was especially good because all of the guys were really at the level Joe was teaching. It’s always nice when I don’t have to back lead, but can, instead, concentrate on my own technique. Spent some time chatting, which is also a good thing. Having more time for brain work lately on the job, which makes me very happy as I like having to figure things out. Keeps the old brain cells ticking.

One of my dance friends commented on how much more confident and happy Heather is looking lately. I’m glad it shows to others besides me! She really is growing lately, and her confidence in herself, her weight loss, her dancing…it all comes shining through. Makes me so proud!

Love and Light

July 22, 2010

Not much to say tonight. Busy week though. Something just about every day/night this week aside from work! Had fun dancing and the hot shower and stretch afterwards felt wonderful! I’m getting a lot more limber, probably because of all of the exercise! Life is good!

Love and Light

July 23, 2010

Went to see Shakespeare’s A Winter’s Tale tonight. What a strange story, but it was interesting and fun, although I was glad I had my sweatshirt and comforter as it got rather chilly, especially as the play is one of Bill’s longer ones and we didn’t get out until 11:00. We finally got to meet our friend’s crazy Cornish Rex named Bugsy as well as Chloe, PC and the bunny. Bugsy just loves to have people to play with and did an excellent job of making everyone feel welcome! She’s definitely as whacky as we’d heard, but a real love, too. Her fur is amazingly soft!

I’m back visiting the chiropractor again as the pain running down my leg turned into a numb foot this morning. The doc says my hips are out of alignment and could be the cause of what’s being pinched. People I talk to say it sounds like sciatica. What fun, but between massages, meditation and adjustments, I’m sure it will be resolved soon. I’m also continuing to send healing energy, but have adjusted the location now that I know it’s not starting from a spot near the middle of my back.

At any rate, the kitties are a tad annoyed that I stopped at home very briefly after work, then stayed out until after 1:00, so I’d best go give them extra love in hopes they’ll forgive me my transgressions.

Love and Light.

August 2, 2010

Yikes! a week without a post! I’ve been so busy with cat rescue and dancing and going back to the gym! Life sure seems to have a way of going from blazing fast to warp speed in a blink! Still need to dig through the little room to pull some more paperwork so I can get the accounting done for the attorney. Perhaps tomorrow after our shift with cats and cages and the gym? But for now, a little relaxation, a hot shower and bed.

Love and light

January 24, 2011

I started this little bloglette with the very best of intentions and encouragement from two wonderful friends, yet, as with so many things that are good for us, it fell by the wayside while life intervened.  Although I’ve been busy, I really haven’t been to so busy that i couldn’t jot a few lines now and then, so, I’m going to put the positive intention back in place and try to keep this going.

That being said, one of the pages I “like” posted a wonderful affirmation today and because it really resonated with me, I had to share it with those who still see my posts.  After re-posting it, and mulling on the concept of expecting miracles for a few more hours, my mind (or maybe it was Universal Mind) took it a few steps further, and I believe I had an epiphany that I had to share.  What if I started sending positive affirmations in the form of Love and Light our whenever I could, and my positive affirmations reached someone who liked the concept and started doing the same…and so on and so forth…would all of our positive energy ultimately immerse the world and leave no more room for negativity?  It would be like a peaceful way to combat war, hate, fear, anger, etc. but since it isn’t combative, but quiet and calm and loving, the joyfulness it would generate would establish itself as a norm.  The emotional energy would blossom and grow, drawing everyone who came into contact into the loving embrace.

Not only can I see this as a cure for what ails humanity and Mother Earth on an emotional level, but consider the health benefits to our loving consideration to everyone and everything around us.

We are, all of us, beautiful and perfect just as we are.

I know this isn’t fully formed yet, and expect that I’ll be posting more in the coming days and weeks, so stay tuned!

In Love and Light

January 26, 2011

Another day, another post.  While meditating this afternoon, my mind wandered into places which, at first, I tried to redirect it from, before realizing that maybe there was a message under the more obvious events transpiring.  Although the content of the vision is gone, I’m left with a somewhat unsettled feeling, and a desire to be alone for a bit.  I decided to forego both the two-step lesson and the meditation to just spend some time alone.  Played a little bit on the computer, then turned on the tv to occupy part of my mind while the rest wandered off to wherever it needs to go.  I also had a few moments this afternoon which go unexplained as of this writing.  For no apparent reason, my stomach dropped as if from dread.  I spoke to myself strongly and the feeling went away, but not the desire to know what might have caused it.  All is right with my world, and Heather and Mathom are fine, so I’m just not sure right now what it might have been.  But it will either come to light, or will fade away as being nothing.  Eventually I’ll know.  

And as I think on it further, I have come to the conclusion that these disturbing feelings must indicate that something in me is out of alignment in some way and these feelings of dread and unsettling occurrences during meditation are simply indicators that I need to get back into alignment, but first I need to let this misalignment and its causes become apparent to me.  So this will be another early night while I again slip into my meditative state and allow information to come freely.

Love and light

February 2, 2011

So I have been thinking on the unsettling feelings for the last few days.  Had a wonderful massage on Saturday which opened up my clogged chakras, not surprisingly, the first two.  My more earthbound side has been stifled for awhile now, and I know that part of i was conscious.  It’s an interesting feeling to have them open again, and not a little bit unsettling in and of itself.  Last night, i had trouble sleeping due to a painful sore throat which continued into today.  Now, as I ask for more wellness, is the sore throat just a result of my exposure to the latest virus making the rounds, or that I am holding back on something which needs to be expressed?

The concept of people leaving this plain seems to be occurring more frequently now.  I get stronger feelings that I will not only be one of those who remain, but will have a very large role in the changes which will be coming.  I feel like there are still things I need to shed or let go of, and that the time to do so is getting much closer now.  I’m reading and listening to many different viewpoints, weeding out those which don’t resonate for me, and continuously searching for exactly what DOES resonate.  At the moment, I seem to be finding more that needs to be released, and not much that’s worth keeping.  Not that I don’t find bits and pieces here and there, but it’s like a huge jigsaw puzzle with a great many pieces still missing at this point.  Perhaps the key here is to imagine a puzzle board where I can start putting the pieces in place.  I did listen to an interesting infomercial last night.  Although the ultimate point of it was to sell a $300 teleseminar, the speaker raised some interesting points about envisioning a goal with all of your senses.  That is, instead of the usual envisioning, she suggested imagining touching it, smelling it, hearing it, essentially letting all of the senses connect with the goal so that it becomes a real part of you.  So if I imagine manipulating the puzzle pieces, feeling them, smelling the components, even tasting the pieces of the puzzle, it would be possible to bring the issues and solutions into myself.

On another topic, I’ve really taken to heart the suggestion I read about changing the “a” in “fat” to an “I”.  I’m finding that this simple change has me looking in the mirror every day and noticing all of the beauties and none of the flaws.  Thus, I notice the clear skin, the shiny hair, the curve of a cheek and the wide, aware eyes as well as the way a shirt enhances my top line.  If the flaws still exist in the viewpoint of others, they no longer do in mine, and that is the only viewpoint that is important to me now.  Selfish:?  Perhaps, but that selfishness will enable me to accomplish my ultimate goal of helping other people through the coming changes.  It will give me further clarity in finding that which will let me help while also seeing to my own needs and wants.  After all, if I am happy and satisfied, I will communicate those same qualities to others.  I’m already seeing that I repel negativity in others, and attract those who have stepped away from the old paradigms, and are open to new concepts and ideas (or are they really new?).    Interestingly, the idea of using my brain for work that isn’t part of the greater good seems to be getting ready to change.  I’m seeing more and more signs that my life, my work and my overall self are changing with great rapidity.  It’s also taking less to enact the necessary changes within myself.  Simple suggestions, chance readings or conversations are giving me ideas which are simple to enact and which show results almost immediately. 

Sore throat aside, I’m feeling extremely (positive is too weak a word here) excited about what is coming to pass.

Love and Light

February 19, 2011

So I’ve been listening to a series for the last few days which deals with manifesting your soulmate.  Some of the sessions have really been resonating with me while others I actually find annoying, and both types have value.  I think the ones I resonate with have obvious value, but those which feel discordant also have value in that they emphasize things with which I would not feel comfortable or be likely to find success.

Tonight’s discussion has been talking about making a commitment to being ready for that soulmate, and to be ready for it.  It also talks about announcing publicly that you are ready to be committed to someone, and to recognize when you are not at that point.  I was actually talking to someone about this today.  She is just ending a relationship and wants to just be alone for awhile to heal and work on herself.  I can understand and relate to where she is.  But in listening to her and sharing with her, I realized that I am ready to open to someone and make that commitment to the person who “gets” me when I do meet him.    Tonight’s speakers suggest making a list of 3 things you must have in a soulmate and 3 that are deal breakers.  I take issue with the three deal breakers only because I have found that expressing negatives can also attract what I don’t want.  That being said, here are my three “must haves”:

1. Must have a sense of humor, a sense of self and an inner strength. and must love himself.
2. Must be able and willing to both give and receive support as the situation warrants.
3. Must be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

And although it’s a bit scary, I really do want to attract a mate into my life.  (the speakers discuss making this commitment publicly rather than just keeping it to ourselves as it is more real if you involve others in this affirmation.

Although this blog isn’t extremely public, I know that some of my friends do follow it from time to time, despite my irregularity in keeping it up.    And it’s the support and attention of these friends which has enabled me to really start learning to love myself, warts and all.  Yes I have flaws, but everyone does.  Those flaws don’t make me less loveable, although I was certainly influenced by society at a young age to believe that if I’m overweight, I’m less loveable.  This is just not true!  I’m not saying that one should lean in the other direction to the rationalization that there is more to love.  But I am saying that this is not a reason NOT to love someone, much less myself!  This body I am in, regardless of it’s imperfections, is the one which carried me to school to achieve my degree in accounting.  It carried my daughters until they were ready to be born.  It is the warm place my cats like to curl up against at the end of the day.  And this body takes me to the place of absolute joy when we dance!  What’s not to love?  And if I were shaped just like everyone else, how would my soulmate recognize me in a sea of barbie dolls?  I stand out because I’m unique and because I’m me and don’t want or need to be perfect.

I really liked what one of the speakers has her seminar participants do.  They stand up and say, “I’m beautiful, sexy and delicious!”  How can you say that without a big, silly grin?

So, among other things, I am declaring my readiness and intent to embark on the next big adventure in my life.  And as adventures go, I expect that this one will open up many new and unexpected avenues to discover and learn.

Love and Light

February 20, 2011

As I continue listening to the “Calling in your Soul mate” series, I’m noticing an interesting phenomenon.  Whenever I’m listening, I find that, without fail, I glance at the clock at 11:11.  I see this as a reinforcement that I have truly set my intention.

Now, as I said, some of the speakers I’ve found to be very enlightening, others are really reiterating what I already know, and still others are discordant with my beliefs and intentions.  I’m happy to see that this is so because there are many different beliefs and methodologies, and I would find the series to be of less value if it was just one speaker after another touting the same story, then, at the end, asking you to go to their website and sign up for their course.  Of course, I know this is partly a marketing plan to get people to support the speakers’ businesses, but there is also some valuable information, or in my case, a certain amount of validation that I’m still on the right path.  I’m also finding some helpful techniques (like publicly setting intentions) which had not yet occurred to me, but when I hear them, I have one of those “aha moments” which help me to further define my path.

I’m pleased to hear the speakers talk about soul mates not only as the great love of your life, but also other people in your life: family members, friends, even pets (yes, you, Mr. Dylan man, love of my life!) with whom we connect on a very deep level with all defenses down, and who help us to be more than we are alone.  Up to now, when I’ve heard people talk of soul mates, it’s been only a one on one kind of thing.  Maybe that’s why I used to cringe a little when I heard the term, but having heard these “experts” echo my understanding of the term, I’m really inspired.  As I digest what I’ve heard, I can also identify people who were soul mates for a short time before we parted ways.  They left me richer for the experience, but were, apparently, not meant to be with me forever.  I trust I’ll cross paths with them again in another life.

Yes, I do want to find my great love, and yes, I believe I am ready for him, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have to keep working on my inner me so that when I do come into contact with him, the attraction will be there, and we will both recognize it.

I also want to mention that I got something to really think about when one of the speakers discussed “chemistry”.  So many people think that the “one” will begin when they recognize the chemistry.  She refuted this by talking about how this chemical reaction really goes back to our cave man (and woman) days when it was all about procreation.  I really agree with her that the chemistry can come but should only arise after the deeper inner connection has been established because it can actually blind us to the qualities we need, but that the person lacks, and theirs for us as well.  It reminds me of a friend of mine who really dated a lot in the years after her first marriage ended, but most of the men she dated were bad boys and wild children.  When she finally remarried it was to a man who she initially didn’t consider as a mate because he was more quiet and steadfast and in her words, boring.  They have now been married for over 10 years, and share an amazing bond!  They truly are each other’s best friend.

This is what I want for myself.  Someone who is my best friend.  And, like several of the speakers, I found this over the years in people who were unavailable.  They defined unavailable as the usual, married, or in love with someone else, but also included some from my experience:  Those with different values, different views for their future, and gay men.  Interestingly, the times when I was attracted to a gay man (whether I knew he was or not, and mostly not) I admitted to myself that the real attraction was that he was safe and I didn’t have to worry about getting into a relationship with him that would take me where I didn’t want to go, and at the same time, it kept me occupied so I didn’t find someone who I’d want to submerge parts of myself for.

Now, that’s an interesting topic in and of itself.  I believe that up to now, part of the reason I haven’t dated, and haven’t even attracted anyone’s attention in years (at least, not to my knowledge.  I have been known to be oblivious!) is just that.  I have seen myself in relationships completely change personality, become weaker, put his needs before mine, neglect myself, my career, even my kids at times, and for what?  I’ve seen myself give and give, often more than the man even wanted from me, and it always ended.  I finally decided that the only way to avoid repeating the pattern was to avoid entanglements altogether, and an invisible wall went up.  The wall may still BE up, but now, it’s just helping me avoid the ones for whom I might be tempted to repeat this unhealthy pattern, but when I encounter the one with whom I feel safe being myself, there will be no barrier.  One woman said it very well.  She talked about getting ready for a date and asking herself “am I willing to do this for the next 50 years?”  That one really got me thinking.  Granted, I think I’d still put on makeup and dress attractively for a date, but that really made me think.  Another one said something I’ve believed for years.  If you lose weight or change yourself in any way to attract someone, do you really want what you attract?  And, for that matter, as he’s attracted to your manufactured self, he’s not attracted to the real you, and if you ever were the real you, chances are he’d run away or complain that you weren’t the woman he thought you were.  (so take that, Carol, who told me I should dumb myself down to attract a guy!)  To steal a phrase from one of the earlier speakers, I’m smart, beautiful, talented, sexy and DELICIOUS!  

By the time we toast Christmas 2011, I fully intend to have found my love and soul mate.  (Other soul mates are already in my life, including my daughter Heather and my wonderful love cat, Dylan).

I also intend, this year, to broaden my horizons, career-wise.  I have more knowledge and experience bottled up inside of myself.  So many times, I’ll stop in amazement and think “wow!  I really do know this!”  and there are a number of directions I can go at this point, using many facets of the knowledge I’ve acquired from life and from my career.  2011 is going to be an amazing year!

Love and Light,

February 21, 2011

Still listening to the Soul mate series today, but was inspired to go back and start re-reading my blogs to see if I’ve made any kind of progress since I started and realized that I started this almost a year ago!  One thing I’m finding is that in some cases, I was touching on topics a year ago, and now I’m setting intentions.  The setting of intentions and being present are lessons I have learned in the last year, not only through self-searching, but through guided meditations, reading and seminars like the one I’m currently listening to.  There’s a huge difference in feelings, outlook and ultimately, results, between feeling like I needed to move forward to something, somewhere, and actually setting definite intentions and time lines.  And as I listen to the various speakers, I find myself feeling one of two things.  One is that in many cases, the conclusions they are reaching and teaching are conclusions I’ve already reached on my own.  Of course, being business people, each one insists, sometimes subtly, sometimes not, that even when we reach these conclusions on our own, we need someone like them to coach us in the proper use of these conclusions.  It brings to mind an old quote: “those who can, do, those who can’t teach”.  I realize that several of these people truly have successful careers and relationships, but it still took them a long time to get to either or both.   I guess my skepticism really stems from their certainty that we can’t achieve what they’re teaching without spending hundreds, or even thousands of dollars to have someone take us through the steps.  I’ve found this “give me your money and I’ll get you all of the things you want from life” to be off putting ever since some college friends took me to an EST meeting where they told us to sell our stereos, our cars, whatever it took to pay for their courses.  I have nothing against entrepreneurism, but I draw the line at the hard sell.  It comes down to whether an individual feels that a product has value, and if they believe it does, whether it has as much value as the seller thinks it does.  In my case, I believe that I’m finding more value from listening to a variety of ideas and forming my own conclusions.  Frankly, aside from the fact that I don’t have the major success stories they attest to, I think I could speak as well or better on the topics on which they are experts.  So much of it is a combination of common sense and being brutally honest with yourself.  And therein lies the challenge and the reason this has become, probably, a multi-billion dollar business.  Being brutally honest with oneself and doing so without being overly hard on oneself is a difficult thing to accomplish without some kind of feedback.  But this is where social networks and blogs come in.  If we get our feelings and ideas out there and encourage feedback, we could, ostensibly, rein our overly harsh looks at ourselves in while still keeping that honesty open.  And in the process, maybe we can give others a chance to look honestly and fairly at themselves and their lives, and live a life of intentions as well.

One thing I’m noticing is that the subject of chemistry is coming up over and over, and that caution is encouraged because physical chemistry or lack thereof can easily blind us to both the positive and negative qualities of a potential mate.  We might feel physically attracted to someone right away, and if we act upon those attractions, may ultimately experience regret because we’ll find that beyond the physical, we really don’t have enough in common.  I know I, myself, have found that on more than one occasion, and even consciously knew that the physical part would burn out quickly.  On the other hand, for lack of the immediate physical attraction, we might not even give a person a chance, and they could have been the one we connected to on far more levels.  I’ve listened to several suggestions on circumventing this, but will have to spend some time thinking it through before I really come up with an answer, and, even then, it will only be a solution that works for me.

As I’m learning a lot more by sharing ideas and listening, really listening to what other people have observed, I will continue this process.  In a conversation a couple of days ago, I raised the issue that even though I feel that I’ve opened up to the possibility of dating and such, I’m still feeling invisible as a potential date or mate.  It was pointed out that I still send out signals that I’m strong, independent and don’t need anyone to take care of me.  I’m not sure right now how to change that, so, instead, I’m just focusing on exuding the inner joy I have been developing and building inside myself.  If nothing else, I am attracting more positive people, more people who have similar thoughts and ideas, and I spend more time just talking to people and sharing ideas.  Last week while at Borderline, I found myself talking at length to some people I had only spoken to on a superficial level in the past, and found them to be very interesting and amazing people.  Filling my world with a variety of interesting and amazing people is certainly moving along the path towards finding the best friend/mate/lover/soul mate…and who knows how much more?

I have to thank Joleen and Candy once again for encouraging me to write this.  Even when I skip long periods of time, there is still a lot of value in just getting the thoughts and ideas out.  As I write, I stop to think, and as my friends comment, I think more.  Those thoughts become ideas which become actions which enrich my life.

Love, light and blessings.

February 22, 2011

I continue listening to the soulmate series, finding certain speakers fascinating and others almost annoying.  I finally figured it out tonight while listening to Michael and Rickie Beckwith.  The ones which fascinate me don’t focus on making yourself into something to attract others.  They don’t dwell on how you need coaching in order to find your soul mate.  Instead, they talk about loving yourself, being the best you you can be and finding your inner joy.  Those are the things which make a person loveable and attractive to another.  Not someone who for $150 an hour will coach you on how to internet date, what to say, what to wear, how to flirt, etc.   It amazes me that intelligent people buy into their lines, but I have to step back and accept that everyone approaches things in their own way, and in enough cases to keep the industry thriving, many believe that they can’t figure it out for themselves by just going within.  I have lost count of the number of times I’ve encouraged someone to trust their gut.  We all have the necessary information.  The hard part is being quiet enough to hear it!  And I do agree that we have to shut off our brains because if we’re so busy thinking and analyzing, we’re blocking the transmission the Universe always has turned on.  We really do need to listen to the wisdom of the Universal mind instead of thinking that the few measly years we’ve been in this body are capable of containing all of the wisdom to which we have access.

The experience of listening to these speakers has, indeed, been valuable to me as it has introduced me to a couple I’d like to follow.  But it has also reminded me that for every true teacher out there, there are 50 who are just trying to make a buck.  Again, don’t get me wrong.  If someone has the talent to market something and people are willing to buy it, both sides have exercised their free choice.    But do we ever hear of the failures?  The coaching that didn’t yield what the coachee desired?  Not that I’ve heard.  And frankly, if it were me, I’d be embarrassed to publicly announce that I’d wasted a lot of money on something I already knew, if I’d have just listened quietly.

Anyway, this experience has served its purpose for me.  It reminded me to keep spending quiet time, going within.

Love and Light,

February 24, 2011

Well, I did the unthinkable tonight and missed a Thursday night of dancing, but I’d been a bit puny since Sunday night and I just didn’t want to push it, what with all of those germy people so I came home and cuddled with the kitties who were only too happy to oblige!

I listened to the last of the Soulmate series and concluded that some of the speakers were really quite inspiring while others were way over the top.  One of the organizers did the last session and she did mention that not all of the interviews would be right for everyone, and that we’d all probably pick and choose, which is exactly what I did, though I really hate being so predictable! 🙂

Dreams the last few nights have been pretty crazy.  I wake up feeling almost exhausted from the many directions my dreams are taking.  One in particular had me lending cars to people to drive out to my cousins’ in Huntington Beach.  It seemed like it was for a funeral or something, but the details are pretty fuzzy.  However, the people who’d borrowed my cars didn’t all step forward to return them.  One in particular was Bill Waite (who, by the way, has been dead for years) with his son, Todd.  When I went to get the car, Bill whined and said he was going to bring it back but wanted to leave a little gas in it for me, which I knew was a lie.  I took the car, but had to go back and ask him for my house and office keys, and literally took them off of a huge, heavy key ring.  Then I had to stop for gas as it was almost empty and there was a Chevron station in First neighborhood, around the block from the Waite’s old house.  (obviously a dream as there have been houses there since I was about 12).  The oddest part of the dream was that Bill’s behaviour was quite out of character for the man he was, but very IN character for his son.  Not sure where my mind was going with this one, so I err on the side of my efforts at forgiveness.  Although there were many odd places in last night’s dreams, this, for some reason, is the only one that stuck in my head.  Later in the dream, Bill and Todd, who had made a copy of my house key, broke into my house.  We knew they were going to break in and were lying in wait so we could have them arrested.  Again, I’m not sure what this comes from as it doesn’t fit any part of my relationship with that family over the years, but because it’s memorable, I have to put it down.

The last few days of feeling a bit under the weather have given me more than my normal amount of time to meditate.  Although I have been getting into the third eye fairly regularly, today, the eyes ceased to be human and were, instead, reptilion.   At times, I even get the entire reptile, or lizard as it were.  I never claimed to be normal!

But I have been putting more time into my acceptance, forgiveness meditations, with a little abundance thrown in for good measure.  You just can’t have enough abundance and I like to remind the Universe of that while I continue working on the aspects of self love.

Which brings me to the portion of the soulmate series which resonated most clearly for me.  Several of the speakers spent a lot of time talking about how you have to really love yourself so that you exude that love and ultimately attract your soulmate.  Some took it further and made that love go out to “the Beloved” which some see as a christ-like figure, others, maybe a buddha, and still others, perhaps, a higher self.  Whatever name was put on it, the concept was to hold your spiritual self out as this beloved being.  The key is that you feel so much love for this being that you, once again, exude that love and attract…you guessed it, Soulmate!  In the case of this spiritual beloved, one also needs a beloved in time and space, where a spirit beloved is not confined by time or space.  One woman used Mother Theresa as an example of someone who loved her beloved so much (in her case, Jesus) that she’d do anything to tend those things he loved, and thus, devoted her life to doing so.  This goes a bit over the top for me.  But I do believe strongly in being deeply in love with yourself first, before you can attract the person with whom you will be each others’ heart and inspiration.  When both individuals hold themselves in such high esteem, they can’t help but have an aura of joy and love and inspiration become an integral part of their being.  And when you bring two such people together, is there really any limit to what can be accomplished?  Enough of these pairings, and there is no doubt in my mind that we could truly bring about world peace, cure Mother Earth of the damage mankind has done, and make momentous discoveries in any possible discipline.

And here we are, right back to Lightworkers!  Interesting how, wherever I go, I seem to end up full circle, back to the path Shiva helped me find several years ago.  This path seems to lead me in a lot of different directions even as it points back to my own self-actualization.  So, I conclude that I follow the Lightworker’s path, but to do so is to continue to make improvements in my understanding of Self.  And as I gain understanding, I find new areas to work on and improve, to let go of behaviours which no longer serve me, and to love myself that much more.  And the more I learn, the closer I am to my Higher Self.

I used to think of Higher Self/Guardian Angel/Spirit Guide who would then put me in touch with Higher Mind, or Universal Mind.  But a speaker I heard a few weeks ago spoke of “Divine Mind” which was even a step above Universal mind.  I am beginning to see how that might be possible.  Universal Mind is the intellect and experience of all human selves, accessible to us all if we just learn the way.  Divine Mind combines the intellect and experiences with our spiritual selves and is also accessible, but only after we’ve learned how to access Universal Mind.  A good part of this definitely has to do with allowing ourselves to not think but leave the pathway clear for Universal mind to provide the answers.  It’s like going into a near trance-like state, and suddenly having the answer you sought!

In the late 90’s, I visited Sedona at a time when I really needed to clear my head.  I bought several books while I was there and I’m remembering how one talked of imagining a series of temples that you would climb to and as you climbed, you went further into this trance-like state, each step taking you up a level, so to speak.  When you reached these temples, you’d approach them one by one, again, each temple taking you up another level.  When I tried the exercises, I never made it past the first or second temple, but I see now that there were lessons I needed to complete before I could truly access those temples which really represent levels of Universal and Divine mind.  I think over the last few years, I’ve been slowly exploring those temples without realizing it.

Now I’ve given myself a great deal to ponder, so I’ll bring tonight’s lengthy scribble to a close.

Love and Light,

February 26. 2011

What an amazing day!  Of course, it was Massage Day and that always fills me with joy.  Barb just keeps amazing me with how well she reads what my body needs.  Today, she gave healing energy to all of my overused joints, and opened up a couple of cloudy chakras.  Every time I go, its a completely different experience, but always marvelous!  It’s  like I get an infusion of energy along with the massage.  And talking about how wonderful it was to some dance friends gives me more people who just “get it”.

After my massage, the sky was so blue and the air was so clear, and I was wearing a warm sweater, so I opened up the sunroof and drove with the fresh air surrounding me.  I did, however, have the good sense to put the car in the garage, as it started pouring around 5, and, would you believe, it was snowing when I drove to T.O. to dance!  I kept looking at what was hitting my windshield thinking “that is the strangest rain I’ve ever seen!”  Only realizing when I got to T.O. that it wasn’t rain at all.  How cool is that?    I opened the blinds in my office to let more of the extraordinary day into the house, and all of the boys just had to jump up and look out the window!   Like they don’t see sky pretty much every day from one window or another!

Spent quite a while talking about spiritual paths, positive energy, healing and the like.  Barb said that’s really where she’s going with her massage and yoga and all of her training.  I was about to say that she was further along on the path than I am, but stopped myself because I realized that although our paths our similar, they’re not the same, and who am I to say who is further than who, and, really, does it matter?  What is important is to follow that path of discovery wherever it takes us and at whatever pace it happens to proceed.  This isn’t a contest or a race.  It’s simply a journey.  And if there are detours along the way, they just might make the journey more interesting, adding new dimensions and possibilities.  Now there’s a word I’m hearing more and more lately. “Possibilities”.  I don’t know for sure if it’s coming up more, or if I’m just tuning into it, like when you buy a new car and suddenly see others like it all over town.  Life is full of possibilities, at every crossroad, at ever pause, at every turn in the road.  I find that amazing, that no matter what you do there are choices, opportunities, possibilities all along the way.  It makes me want to throw my arms in the air, spin around in circles and laugh out loud at the wondrousness of the possibilities!    I think this is how children see the world, before they’re taught that there are limitations.  What a terrible thing to do to a child!  And yet so many are taught not to wonder, not to dream.  Those are the things that make life so amazing, so special, so worth it!  And when I focus on those things, I find that I smile more, walk straighter, feel more energy…in short, everything is perfect, just as it is, and just as it could be depending on my choices.  And guess what?  There are no wrong choices!  And since there are no wrong choices, we can just keep choosing and choosing and choosing, and if we don’t like something we chose, then we choose something different.  The enormity of it all just boggles the mind.  Each day when we wake up, we can start choosing anything we want, and make it happen!  Granted, some choices require more steps than others to accomplish, but while one project is being developed, there are so many others to work on at the same time (or maybe that should be “play on”).  It’s like having an amusement park with a million different rides and a restaurant with an unlimited menu.  Some combinations work and some don’t, but some of the most fun are the ones that don’t work in a stupendous way!  (like chili and the teacups, for example!)  In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss, “Oh the thinks you can think!”

And with that, I’m off to think some spectacular thinks!

Love and light.

February 27, 2011

Today I finally removed two items from my vision board which have already been manifested:  my red Kitchenaid Artisan mixer and my red Lexus.  In their place, I put the following affirmations:  “Write and publish a book to help people find their joy”  and “become an ambassador for self-empowerment”.  Just re-typing them is sending bolts of electricity through me as I’m thinking “Wow!  This is what I’ve been looking for!  I don’t know, right now, how I’m going to get there, but this is what I need to do!”  I know that there are a couple of seminars I will be registering for, and there will be tons of reading to do, but this is it.  This, I believe down to the bottoms of my feet and the top of my Higher Self is my Soul Purpose.  What amazes me is that it really came to me after ruminating over the Ultimate Soulmate Summit I’ve been listening to (and blogging about) for the last few days.  More on this later, but I am so excited that I just had to blog this!

Love and Light

March 1, 2011

So, here I sit with my foot propped up on a binder (in a very awkward position, I might add) to prevent throbbing and leakage from a big toe which, while quietly minding it’s own business was brutally attacked by a plastic milk crate, ripping the nail about midway down the toe and halfway across.  Needless to say, bodily fluids are torpidly leaking from beneath the abused appendage.  But what, you might ask, would cause toe to meet crate with such disastrous results?  It all started when I ran out of printer paper in my  office.  In seeking my ever-present supply in the garage storeroom (formerly my ex’s office away from home), I found, to my chagrin that the box of paper had found it’s way to the bottom of a pile containing a banker’s box, assorted small items, and the aforementioned crate.  Having retrieved the paper I sought, I reached for the crate, pulled it across the garage floor, and neglected to move my foot to safety before the crate launched it’s vicious and unprovoked attack on the poor, unsuspecting digit.  The good news is, the lovely new color on my toenail nearly matches that which was painted on my fingernails over the weekend.  I’m nothing if not fashionable now!

But on to more interesting topics.  I’m rigorously pursuing various avenues with which to expand my education and begin my program to achieve the goals for 2011, mentioned earlier in this little chat fest.   I’ll be speaking to a woman about a 9 month long mentoring program tomorrow, and have signed up for a couple more online seminars.  I have a need to test the waters in various arenas before I actually choose a direction and start walking, crawling, running, slithering, or using whatever mode of locomotion seems appropriate at the time.

What is really inspiring me at the moment is that the more I express the joy I’m feeling, and the more I share of myself, the more people I meet with similar goals and ideas.  One mentioned working through A Course in Miracles to me today, and I suggested working through it together, kind of like a team effort.  We’ll discuss it later this week and see how we can make it work.  So many people both directly and indirectly are sharing visions and ideas and quotes which are so positive and inspiring for me.  And when I share as well, I’m getting amazing responses from people.  I realized today that my friends list contains some really amazing people!  We’ve all walked different paths and  arrived where we are today through various challenges, trials, but most of all, successes and knowledge gained!   Sharing what we’ve learned creates an incredible synergy!  I can really appreciate not only those who’ve found similar answers to mine, but those who’ve found different answers which work for them.  Those different answers inspire me to delve even further into what I’ve learned, questioning, seeking, expanding, learning, and setting new and bigger goals for myself.  And even more, I’m becoming much more open to accepting people and the choices they make for themselves without feeling the need for any personal involvement or emotional input.  To put it bluntly, their lives, their choices.  I am ever more grateful for the people who are in my life, and for those who will be coming into my life in the months and years ahead.  I look forward with great excitement and anticipation to all of the new and wonderful things I will be learning and experiencing very soon.

Love and Light

March 2, 2011

I had a wonderful chat with Amy about the Inner Wisdom Golden Circle today.  She was very encouraging and even offered a suggestion about writing a book proposal rather than a whole book for marketing to editors.  But between time commitments which conflict with my day job and the $7,000 price tag for the 9 month experience, I just didn’t feel that it was a good fit for me right now.  I admit that I had a feeling when they wouldn’t mention cost until your interview that it was likely to be more than I wanted to commit right now. She seemed surprised that I didn’t feel that $1000 up front and “only” $667 a month for 9 months was in my budget, so I guess I’m not on a level with their typical clientele.  But as usual, the experience had value, and I will use what I learned to continue seeking opportunities to manifest my affirmations.  More on this later, but I wanted to get my initial thoughts down before my mind wandered down yet another twisty, windy, exciting road.

So I’m mulling over the 45 minute conversation today, and the pieces spin around until, settling, I start remembering bits and pieces that felt a little funny, but not enough to mention.  But now, I’m thinking, hmmmm, so she indicated that some of the women’s big goals for the year were to lose weight or find a relationship.  While those are goals for me as well, they’re definitely secondary to writing the book, getting out and teaching people about living their joy, teaching, healing…so clearly while they wanted me and my cash contribution, I feel now that it really would not have been the right fit for me, and as a result, I wouldn’t have been as good a contributor to the group as I should have been either.  Thank goodness I had in my mind what it was worth to me financially, and their expectation didn’t meet mine.  But it’s good for all concerned as it will leave the space in their circle open for someone who is more suited to what they offer.

Meanwhile, I’m still letting my mind drift and trying to allow the things I have announced I want to start their germinating and growing process, while keeping all of my senses open to opportunities which will start arising very soon, if the seeds haven’t already been planted.  Each meditation I do, each conversation I have, each thought I follow leads me closer to the pot where I’ll add my ingredients, give it a stir, add a few more ingredients and maybe let it bubble for awhile.  I have made public affirmations, posted two new statements on my vision board and am opening my mind and heart and spirit to possibilities.  And I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing.

And the decluttering process, while slow, continues to move forward!

Love and Light.

March 3, 2011

I’m feeling very unsettled tonight and I’m not sure why.  I came home early from dancing as it was starting to get crowded and I didn’t want to risk having my abused toe stomped.  I was, however, able to dance quite comfortably thanks to my dance sneaks.

I got home and sat down at my desk, checked email and tried to read a book, but the plot line was simplistic and was beginning to irritate me, so I put the book down and decided to watch some tv.  The shows I usually record were reruns, so scratch that.  Tried to watch something else, but like the book, the plot line was just irritating. 

So I tried meditating.  I couldn’t settle with that either.  I tried focusing on my breathing, but after about 4 breaths, I lost concentration.  Finally, I thought, ok, I’ll just write it out, so here I am.  Could it be the questions I sent out to the Universe this afternoon while I meditated?  I’ve instructed myself to just forget about the questions for now and let the answers come to me when it’s the right time.  In fact, I don’t even remember exactly what the questions were, so my mind is at least following instructions on THAT part!  But I feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin, and I’m typing a mile a minute when my fingers hit the keyboard.  Various staff members and co-workers comment about how fast I type at work.  If they could only see me now!  I’m back up to my bbs speed!  But the word that best describes how I’m feeling right now is “twitchy”.  It’s as if I’m a snake about to shed a layer of skin that no longer fits or something.  My mind and my body feel like we’re running some kind of marathon inside of ourselves.  But what direction we’re going is anyone’s guess right now.  I am not having any real coherent thoughts, but just a bunch of stray ones tripping and tumbling over each other like water in a brook.  They intertwine, though they are unrelated, then untwine and meander off in their own directions, leaving a fading memory of their presence.

This is certainly not the first time I’ve had this kind of feeling over the last few months, and if I were to read back through my blog, I’m sure I’d find similar descriptions in other places.  But there’s something about this time… like a time bomb ticking or fireworks about to go off.  I can’t explain it, I just know that “unsettled”, although it is the operative word, is really a weak explanation.  I wonder if this is how Old Faithful feels before she shoots water high into the air?  Or one of those amazing fireworks at Disneyland, in the instant before the fuse burns down and sends it flying high into the sky?  There is definitely something bubbling or igniting inside of my brain tonight.  One thing is certain, if, once it settles, the thoughts surprise me, I’ll know that the Universe was truly allowed to give input without editing from my often overbearing brain.

I also wonder if this has anything to do with my stomach being upset for the last couple of days.  Was that simply an early warning for me to fasten my seatbelt, so to speak, and just hang on for whatever is coming?

Writing all of this out hasn’t really done much to calm me.  My stomach is still jumpy and I feel nervous and a little irritable for no real reason.  I danced and that was good, chatted with friends, and came home to snuggly kitties.  All of this should have made me feel relaxed and settled, but I’m feeling quite the opposite, and it’s nerve wracking, to say the least.

I think an affirmation may be in order so here goes.  I trust the Universe to have my best interests at heart and to answer my questions and guide my path to exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing at exactly the right time.  I open my mind and heart to the messages being sent to me, without overthinking, overanalyzing, , and without expectations.  I know that my best indication that the answers I receive are from the Universe are when they surprise me, for then I can be certain that I didn’t just conjure them from my own, remembered experiences.  I’ll know that Universal mind gathered all of its resources to give me the answers that I needed in order to settle and find my soul purpose.

Conversations I’ve had over the last couple of days have both given me guidance in figuring out my soul purpose, as well as helping me see what it is not.  Knowing what it is not is valuable as it helps me declutter my mind and my life in preparation for learning what it is I’m meant to do and be and contribute.

So, perhaps this twitchiness is just a symptom of the things I’m letting go of in preparation?  Maybe a little resistance on my part as well?  And that’s why I feel irritated and out of sorts?

So many questions.  Perhaps in sleep, when I completely relinquish control, I’ll find some answers.

Love and Light

March 4, 2011

A most fitting message was in my email this morning, given yesterday’s post:
We often have to shhhh’em-up, Sheri, here in the unseen. It’s because they become so excited when they see a really HUGE dream about to manifest in the seen, they completely forget that from where you are, nothing, yet, appears any different.

SHU-U-USH IT!
    The Universe


More on this later tonight!

March 6, 2011

What a marvelous weekend!  Spent most of Saturday with the AHS alums on one of So Cal’s signature gorgeous days!  Got my dance on, and today, we found homes for at least 2 of our sweet, furry babies, and possibly two more!  And our “tripod” went home with another of our sweet boys yesterday!  The numbers are going down, just in time for kitten season!  But the adults and teens are finding homes!  Two of our black, ten month olds found homes last week as well!!

I didn’t get a chance to write on the message from the Universe from Friday, but here I’ve been, feeling like, if I’m just quiet a bit longer, everything will fall into place, and someone actually sent me that message!  So right now, I’m working on doing more meditating, if only to keep my monkey brain quiet longer so that Universal mind can have it’s say.  In the meantime, I was privileged to spend time talking to a woman who has a phenomenal dream about helping bright kids who are in high risk environments to reach their potential despite the odds.  Although I don’t at the moment, have anything to offer her in the form of tangible help to get the first part of her project off the ground, I definitely offered positive energy and encouragement.  But I’m also taking very much to heart something I read in the last couple of days about how making a difference is really becoming the kind of thing that people are coming together to both envision and enact.  Keeping my ears and eyes open for places I can help is certainly part of this wonderful, exciting place I’m now in.  Right now, I’m feeling a need to listen more and talk less.  I also feel inclined to let my positive, empowering energy spread as far as it can.

Talking to a friend yesterday who is normally really positive, she talked about being in a very tough place right now.  I offered that there are times when it’s not possible to find a better place within a particular situation so, instead, we need to simply accept that the situation is and that it isn’t ours to control, then put ourselves into a different place entirely where it is, once again possible for us to find our joy.  It is similar to the method I’ve learned for releasing errant thoughts when meditating.  Accept the thought or situation, Acknowledge it’s presence in your thoughts, then Release it, understanding that it is not yours to control.  As with anything else, fighting means putting effort into something you don’t want which gives it energy and makes it stronger.  Accepting the fact that it exists, then releasing it requires no energy or power, so there’s nothing to keep it strong and growing.  Energy and emotion then go into the feelings of joy and we are empowered to feel that joy and to do only those things which cause joy to build within us until it’s so big that it spills out into others around us, empowering them to be joyful as well.

There’s a lot of focus lately on fighting cancer because it seems to be touching someone each of us knows.  Instead, I find myself sending healing energy and focusing on embracing and revelling in what wonderful healthy bodies we have and appreciating the natural tendency towards wellness.  Maybe it’s just me, but whenever I focus on a strong, healthy body, I see the body in question enveloped in bright, green healing energy.  And the more I focus on health, the bigger and brighter the healing light becomes until the body not only takes the healing energy into itself, but has so much that it shares everywhere it goes.  Now, instead of passing germs and illness around, we are passing healing and good health to everyone with whom we come into contact.  Imagine one of those Lysol commercials where it shows a child touching a telephone or doorknob, and having the object covered with a bunch of squiggly looking germs.  What if that same child left little bubbles of healing energy in place of the germs?  Then, as all of the school kids interacted, they’d make each other healthier, and when the kids went home to their families, they would also gain this healing energy.  Later, in their offices or other places of work, everyone with whom THEY interacted would also receive a boost of healing energy!  How long would it take to eliminate all illness from our lives?  In such an environment, it would be impossible for unhealthiness to survive!  So, whenever anyone mentions an illness, I immediately respond with bright, sparkly green healing energy.  Pass it on!

Love and light.

Blog Part 5, where I really start getting serious

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March 8, 2011,

I’ve reached an interesting place in my life.  I know that I’m meant for more, and it’s affecting the things I have.  Although I enjoy my job most of the time, I find myself wanting to stay in my pajamas all day and work from home.  I know this isn’t feasible, and I do get myself going and into work (albeit a half an hour late this morning which, believe it or not, caused widespread panic with my staff!) and I work a full, or overfull day, but I am clearly not feeling fulfilled any more.  I’m loving the dancing and working with the cats, even went to West Coast last night since I’d traded nights of cat cage cleaning, but no matter what, I’m not fully engaged.  The only times lately that I do feel fully engaged are when I’m writing this blog or talking about my passion and my visions for the future.  However, even those visions are still pretty nebulous right now.  I’m tuning in to various online webcasts about spirituality and empowerment, finding some interesting and informative while others sounds more like giddy cheerleaders merely promoting their own latest venture.  I don’t have anything against them doing so, but it isn’t really getting me the information I need right now.  But I continue to listen in the hope that there will be at least a gem that I can use, and, in all likelihood, there will be.  So in the meantime, I decided to follow a friend and restart A Course in Miracles, but this time, I created a blog just for ACIM, and to try to keep myself on track.  I admit, it may well take me more than a year to complete (especially if my dedication to this blog over the last year is any indication) but it does give me some accountability.

Re-reading what I just wrote has me pondering me lack of engagement and reconsidering whether it really is a lack of engagement or simply that my mind and spirit are engaged elsewhere.  Last night I sat in a quieter part of Borderline, at first because I wanted to eat a little dinner, but later, because I wanted to be able to just sit and observe whenever I wanted to, or go into another space.  I got plenty of opportunities to dance, but I also spent a good deal of time just woolgathering.  I’d say I was in a semi-meditative state at times, just releasing my mind to wander around the Universe as it saw fit.  Did I find anything in my wanderings?  That’s hard to say because I had let my mind just wander around without monitoring where it went or what it did.  If it did find anything interesting, I know I will become aware of it when the time is right.  And if it didn’t find anything this time, there will be plenty of opportunities to wander again until it does find what I seem to be looking for.  Meanwhile, I’ll listen to the 40 days of webcasts and, more importantly, pay attention to what my friends and others around me are saying and doing.  There’s bound to be a clue to what I need to do next in one of these sources.

On a lighter note, Heather’s thieving cat, Mr. Scooby Doo, spent 10 minutes in solitary confinement today because he found it necessary to put his furry face in my dinner plate, find the largest piece of chicken thereon, and try to walk casually away with the contraband protruding from beneath his whiskers.  Not only did he lose the tasty tidbit, but he spent the next 10 minutes in a small, dark bathroom considering his sins.  I fear he felt not the slightest bit of remorse over his transgression, nor will it prevent him from similar scurrilous adventures when the next opportunity arises.  Such is the life of a feline who has every reason to believe that he is a demigod.

I am pleased that the number of readers and commenters is starting to grow.  This gives me a wider base for expanding my knowledge and experiences.  May we all help each other achieve everything we are capable of…and more!
Love and light.

March 9, 2011

For over a year now, I have been spending a lot of time changing my negative thoughts towards people to forgiveness and love and light.  But I have put special effort into doing this where my daughter, Jenni is concerned.  I have learned to accept that the path she’s chosen for herself, while harder than I believe anyone should choose, is the path she has chosen for herself.  I have learned to respect her right to choose, and to send her love and light whenever accepting is especially hard.  Today, she asked her sister to drive her out to Ventura to get a business license, offered to pay for gas and to buy her sister lunch in return for the ride and, when Heather stopped by my office to bring me some soup she’d picked up for me ( I do love soup, especially Souplantation soup!) Jenni brought Serenity (Sara for short!  Isn’t that adorable?) into my office, handed her to “grandma” and visited for awhile.  Sara wasn’t sure what to make of this strange woman at first, but once she spotted and grabbed a stuffed cat Heather had given me for Valentine’s day, all was good!  I realize that it will take a lot more than one visit to really think of her as a real granddaughter, but this is a huge step for all of us!    She is still trying Heather’s patience but the dynamic between them is different and they have to find their own even keel.  So the lesson I’ve learned is to keep sending love and light when I start to get annoyed about something or someone.

I listened to another of the WISH  presentations today.  This one was a woman who talked about EFT and tapping, but also had something to say about using gratitude lists to lift yourself to a better place.  And it seems that “Laws of Attraction” is everyone’s buzzword these days!  So I’ll digest what I heard tonight and keep listening to the hour long sessions for the next 38 days.  As I said before, even if I only get a couple of gems out of it, that’s a couple more than I had.

I think I have the topic for my book.  But as it’s a rather difficult one, I now have to work on giving myself the gumption to actually research and write it.  It’s actually a topic which was suggested to me before, but, again, it is not going to be easy.  I believe I need to write about dealing with a parent’s suicide.  I am sure that there are many people out there who have had to live through it, but not too many are willing to write about it.  You find a lot of books and articles about alcoholism and drug abuse in families, about dealing with homosexuality and learning to accept a child whose sexual preferences are outside of society’s expectations.  But suicide is one of those things that, unless it is connected to something else, is just not discussed in polite company.  As I have now had to work through the emotions, the aftereffects and the stigma twice, I should be able to offer some pretty major insights from the viewpoint of those who are left behind.  I may even call it that.  “Left Behind:  Life after Suicide”

Wow!  Talk about making public affirmations!  I think this is the most powerful one I’ve made yet!  Can I really do this?  Bare my soul and even turn over what has been long buried?  I guess there’s only one way to find out.  As I’m working through  A Course in Miracles right now, I think that may actually help get my head ready to tackle this monumental task.  My first goal is to get through at least a month or two of lessons.  Then, I may follow Candy’s advice and start an outline.  Or I may check out the websiite that was recommended to me about getting a book published.  I know that when the time comes, I’ll already have my direction.  I have the goal, now I just need to determine where the first steps will be taken.
Love and Light,

March 10, 2010

Today’s topic is Inspiration.  And I am filled with Inspiration.  I listened to Marry Morrissey on tonight’s edition of the WISH conference.  She was very inspiring to me as she spoke of how we limit ourselves instead of figuring out what it would take to reach our dreams.  And instead of asking ourselves if we would really love something before just dismissing it for all of the wrong reasons.  This really resonated with me given the affirmations I have been making here lately, and most especially because of my latest and most heartfelt one, to write my book and to have finally realized what the topic must be.  I’ve started a word document where I’ll jot down phrases, statements and thoughts which occur to me and which, eventually, I will incorporate into the book.  It also occurs to me that once I made my first affirmation, the rest are coming fast and furious.

I have received wonderful inspiration from Joleen and Candy both about my book and about the journalling in general.  Joleen, you continue to be a tremendous inspiration and I am eternally grateful to you for the pieces of yourself you have been sharing with me.  You truly have been living a lot of what I’ve only been discovering in the last few years.  It’s not always easy, and there are days when I’m sure it’s a struggle to keep moving forward, documenting what’s going on, staying positive, but the fact that you do is truly amazing.  Joleen raised a really great point today which, instead of addressing in the comments, I’m going to address right here because it’s near and dear to my heart.  She mentioned that her ex has yet to just forgive, forget and move one while she, smart woman that she is, took the experience and left the pain and anger behind, thus, allowing her to grow and become more of the wonderful, giving person that she is.  I’ve found the same to be true in my experience.  I long ago forgave both my ex and myself for our failed marriage, and will always be grateful to him for giving me my two wonderful (if somewhat challenging) girls, and for the home I live in and even some of the people I know.  I accept that he does the best he can with what he has and that is not a reflection on me or on anyone else for that matter.  It’s simply the result of the choices he made.  He, on the other hand, still carries anger towards not only me, but his two wives before me.  It seems that, to some degree, he may have made peace with the first one, and I hope for his sake that he has.  Anger is far too heavy a burden to bear for long periods of time, yet so many people seem to wear theirs like a shield or even a badge of honor.  To my viewpoint, it is merely a prison of one’s own design and you can’t learn and grow if you hide behind thick walls.  You don’t feel, you don’t experience, you just close yourself off from life itself.  I am grateful not only that i have chosen to abandon the self-imposed prisons but also that I meet and hear from other women who choose to live, learn and make a difference.

So, now that I’ve made the decision to write my book and have chosen the topic, my mind is just spinning with ideas.  I have to set myself a course of study to research a good portion of what I will write, but much of it will come from my experiences and my heart, and possibly from others I may decide to interview.  I think this is a topic which needs to be spoken about openly, and I may also be able to work with people who have lost a family member in this fashion, both as a catharsis for them, and to give me insight into how other people have worked through the process of grieving, all of the other emotions, and eventually, getting on with their lives.  But I do want to stick with my plan to work through at least a month or two of A Course in Miracles before I actually begin to write or outline.    That doesn’t mean that I won’t be jotting things down as I think of them (and already have, in fact) between now and then.  Now that I have a destination, I need to see how the road unfolds, trying to avoid any preconceived ideas or directions.  Even though my current plan is to work on other things for the next month or two, I am open to the possibility that circumstances could just as easily speed up the process as slow it down.  I’m certainly looking forward to the adventure, wherever it might lead!

Love and light

March 11, 2011

This will probably be a short entry tonight as it got late before I knew it.  Why is it that when I stay home and work in my jammies, I work longer and harder than if I went into the office?  It’s as if I feel obligated to accomplish 10 times as much since I am working uninterrupted, except for the cats of course.  Me being home means that they should be getting more attention, right?  I’m getting wonderful comments and suggestions from my friends and have gotten a couple of things jotted down for future use in my book.  But, hard as it is, I’m sticking to my guns and working on ACIM first.  I know that it’s going to help open my mind to things which I don’t see right now.  I also know that I want to spend some time researching the reasons that people commit suicide, or at least the reasons those who investigate or study the phenomenon believe to be so.  I certainly have my own ideas, but it doesn’t hurt to bring in the opinions of the experts, if only to get my creative juices going.

Had another chat with the fellow I talked to at length a few months back.  This time, he’s involved in some group called “People Helping People”, which as near as I can tell, is another one of those companies that recruits people to sell investments and insurance.  Funny how I’ve realized that this guy is really the epitome of a salesman.  He only takes the time to talk to me when he thinks he can sell me something.  As I’m working on being friendly and non-judgemental, I played along, but had really good reasons for being unable to help him avoid being fired (how’s that for a line?) by attending one of his little meetings.  Why, he’d even buy me a sushi dinner if I’d just show up.  I also noticed that he asked women to dance last night based on whether or not they were willing to take time out of their Saturday to sit through a sales pitch (although, of course he didn’t call it that!).  Sounded way too much like multi-level marketing to me, and I have a severe aversion to that from the days of Amway parties which were done a la sneak attack.  I figure, I’m not going to buy what they’re selling, nor am I willing to join their pyramid and try to make a living selling whatever it is they sell, so my time is better used elsewhere.  I’m sure he charmed enough of the ladies there into helping save his butt, anyway. 🙂

While sitting at Borderline last night, I gave some thought so some of the seminars I’ve been listening to lately, particularly the ones which talk about shedding your strong, businesslike self before going into a social situation as the softer, feminine side is more likely to attract the male of the species.  Watching some of the other women, I guess this is probably true.  The ones who spend a lot of time chatting with the men, and dancing couples dances are the ones who are, for lack of a better word, more docile.  I think my problem is that I’m very passionate about things, and if one of those subjects comes up, I just can’t be docile, sweet and soft.  But I also don’t believe that that puts me outside of the socializing.  I just enter the circle in a different way.  And I refuse to believe that it isn’t the right way for me.  Sure, I don’t have men drooling over me and hanging on my every word, but frankly, that would annoy me.  Yes, I’d like to be asked to dance more often, but I find that that is really just a process.  I get asked more often now than I used to.  And my motto lately has been “baby steps” anyway, and those baby steps have really taken me a long ways from where I was, so in my book, they’re working and I’m on the right path.  ( so much for keeping this short tonight, huh?)  This is better than the brain dumps I used to do where I’d just sit at the computer and type whatever came into my head.  Now, I’m typing what comes into my head, but, at least a little bit, it has a direction and a purpose.

Heather ended up getting called into work today, so the projects she’s started will have to wait for another day, but next week is Spring Break, so maybe she’ll get something finished.  That would be delightful!  I do appreciate all she does around here.  She just has a tendency to start things and take awhile to actually finish.  A gentle nudge now and then, I guess.

I’m also sending loving, healing thoughts to the victims of the earthquake and subsequent tsunami in Japan.  I am visualizing many miracles of people and animals walking away from the devastation, and of everything being clean and undamaged.  This is how I visualized the BP oil spill as well.  Clean and undamaged.  But lessons learned as well.  We need to take better care of Mother Earth or her undies adjustments could get rather more rough.  Nobody likes those darn things crawling up their butts anyway, so if they persist, the adjustments are going to reflect her annoyance at having to continue to readjust!  Let’s hope her panties fit properly and don’t ride up, shall we?

OK, so I went on and on again!  I seem to have a tendency to do that lately.  I don’t know if I think I have a lot to say, or if my ACIM entry opens the floodgates, or if having a goal and a purpose just finally got the creative juices flowing, but whatever it is, FB may not be the best place for my blog for much longer. (shuddup Candy!  I know what you’re thinking!)
Love and Light

March 12, 2011

This one really is going to be short.  I just got home from dancing, dinner and getting my hair done.  Started to get another migraine today so my head and tummy are whining a bit.  (despite Scooby’s erstwhile attempt to help alleviate the migraine by planting his not inconsiderable 14 pounds on top of my head!  It seems he thought that if I put a pillow over my face thinking to block out the light that it was really an invitation for him to sit atop the throne it created in his furry little brain!)

Firstly, I realized tonight that today would have been my mom’s 77th birthday.  Makes me wonder if there’s any significance in the timing for me to write what will partially be her story?  Secondly, I’m getting a lot of positive feedback about my choice of topic.   More than one person has said “that’s something that’s really needed and will help a lot of people!”  Granted, I agree or I wouldn’t be attempting it, but it’s gratifying to know that others see it that way too.  That’s not to say that, in some ways, I’m not flat out terrified, but this time, I won’t let the fear paralyze me because I know in my heart that this is something I need to do, for me, and for others who have been where I was, and in some ways, still am.  Although it is a serious topic, I expect to inject some of my own personal brand of warped humor into parts of it.  I don’t want it to read like a long, depressing dissertation.  The fact is, like most things in our lives, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and where but in humor to bring out that light?  Talking to people about it also helps me start thinking about things like finding a publisher, what I’ll need to do to GET it published, and all of those business-y things that go along with any successful endeavor.  It’s almost as if half of the challenge right now is holding myself in check for a little while until I’ve completed enough ACIM lessons that I deem myself ready to (I almost put “tackle”, but realized that makes it sound too much like a chore) begin creating.

I’m already spending a lot of time pondering the possible reasons people find to do what so many of us consider the unthinkable.  And I’m seeing that, just like I’ve learned to accept the choices of others as their choices, and having nothing to do with me, ultimately, this is just another choice someone made for and by themselves.  Like any other choice people make in their lives, how it will affect other people isn’t really part of the equation.  The choice is made because the chooser feels that, at that moment in time, is the right thing for them to do.  (Candy is probably right and, when I do start to write, I’ll probably pull things from this blog because they will definitely resonate with what I’m trying to say overall).

At any rate, I did promise that this one would be short.  I’m going to have an early night and hope that head and tummy settle down (either that, or give me a clue as to why they are unsettled).  I’ve found that, too many times, sore throats, headaches and upset stomachs are indicators that something else is bothering me and I need to get to the root of the problem so I can sort things out and unblock whatever is blocked.
Love and Light

March 13, 2011

The ACIM is really keeping me on track with my posting so far.  I even manage to post when I get home late and that’s a good thing.  What is worrisome, however, is that I started getting my third migraine in less than a week.  As there are just no more major hormonal fluctuations for me, that can’t be it.  I know my neck has been feeling stiff, but after how rough Dr. Brandt was last time I was in, I don’t want to go back to him.   I guess I need to find another chiropractor.  I keep moving around and I have re-established most of my range of motion, but it still may be the reason I’m getting the headaches so frequently again.  Or it may be all of the thoughts spinning so quickly through my head!  The kitties don’t mind my need to lie down for awhile though.  Munchkin snuggles into my arm, Patches plants herself on my chest (if Loki doesn’t get there first) and the boys take up the rest of the bed with Dylan purring softly by my head.  On the plus side, I haven’t been very hungry the last few days either.

But I’m very pleased.  I got most of the work I wanted to done on Friday, got bills paid on Saturday and finished mine and Heather’s taxes today.  Good to get those things out of the way so I can keep clearing my head for the tasks ahead of me.   I think Dylan really senses the changes coming as he is spending a large part of his day with me when I’m home.  Stroking his silky fur and listening to his soft, rumbly purr invariably soothes me.

Heather and I ran into a couple of the band parents at Trader Joe’s today, and I was very proud of myself because I was able to talk about Jenni and Serenity in positive terms.  I no longer say and do things that make people want to run away from my gloomy outlook.  And I believe that my positive thoughts and words are helpful to Jenni even though she doesn’t necessarily know I’m saying them or thinking them.  All in all, I am at peace with how she chooses to live her life now.

Today’s webcast didn’t really hold my attention.  The speaker kept talking about having a party in her panties (really????  )  and how she just loved her gynecologist and being in the stirrups.  Sorry folks, but I just find that weird!  Unfortunately, it caused me to tune out to what she was saying which might have actually had some value.  OH well.  I’m sure she reached some women who thought she was adorable.  Different strokes for different folks.  But as I see it, if I get some good information out of at least 5 of the 40 speakers, I feel that the time spent was worthwhile.  I just noticed that I started ACIM on the same day as the WISH seminars started.  Coincidental?  Maybe not.  Both address my mental and physical health and well-being.

I didn’t give much thought to my path and dreams today as I had my mind focused on analytical pursuits which tend to drive out those things which are part of our Higher Mind.  A time and a place.  I have to get the mundane things out of the way to clear my path to work on what is truly important.  But the human self has to be nurtured as well, and sometimes, the nurturing has to take the form of chores which keep the roof over one’s head and food on the table.    As time goes on, I’m sure I’ll find ways to streamline those activities so they don’t take up more of my time than they need to.  The fact is, I can’t live 100% in Higher Mind either.  Life is about balance and exercise, sustenance, and decluttering my physical environment, not to mention some serious down time, are all part of that balance.  My book, when I start writing it, will be better for that balance.  And speaking of balance, I keep looking at my office and trying to figure out how to get all of the books onto the shelves!  It appears that that will be my next decluttering goal.  My bedroom isn’t perfect, but it is far better than it was!  I don’t have shoes and laundry baskets all over the floor, and my dresser is clear enough for Toby to get up and admire his handsome self in the triple mirror without knocking things onto the floor.  That is a huge improvement.  I still have to clear the chairs and one of the nightstands, but it will all come together.  I also want to find pictures of books or book signings to put on my vision board.  I was in Heather’s room this weekend and was pleased to see that she really has a lot of stuff on hers.  She may not follow a lot of what I’m talking, but she does pick up on certain things and has made some very healthy lifestyle changes, not the least of which is getting to bed early on the nights she has to be at work at 5 or 6 AM.  This is the first job she’s had where she really is good about getting enough sleep.  I’m continuously more proud of her.  She’s taking everything more seriously this year.  I’m not sure what changed, but I definitely applaud the results!  She’s even starting to declutter, although, in her case, it gets more cluttered before I really see the effect of the decluttering.  But it will come!

Love and light.

March 15, 2011

The headaches have finally stopped for a little while, at least.  Some chicken and rice for lunch saw the end of the last one.  I did go see a holistic chiropractor today, but he just did some testing.  I’ll go back on Thursday for the results and an adjustment of my neck which he agreed was quite stiff!  Meanwhile, my left shoulder is higher than my right, my left lat is weak and my feet are too flat.  Oh, and I have crappy balance ( but I knew that!).  We’ll see what he recommends on Thursday.

Dreams have been weird and vivid again, but since I didn’t write anything down earlier today, I can’t remember a thing now!  If there was something I needed to act on, I would have remembered so I am not worried.

Although I wasn’t sure I’d make it through the whole day, I ended up working until 6, then came home energized, did some cleaning in the kitchen, got laundry going and actually made some dinner!  (a lovely chicken and veggie concoction sauteed in olive oil and white wine and served with a side of multicolored broccoli and cauliflower.  It was yummy and made enough for another meal as well!).  Laundry has at least another half hour in the dryer so here I write. 

Ahh, the well has run dry tonight, so I’ll just bid you,
Love and light

March 16, 2011

The writing continues, but so does this weird, headachey malady.  Driving to work this morning, my vision was squirrely and by the time I got there, my head ached and I was nauseous.  Managed to do a training session and some work, then ate an early lunch and did a meditation.  When I came out of the meditation, the headache was back, which is really weird as I just let myself flow during meditation so it shouldn’t have annoyed my head.  But 2 Aleve and a Claritin didn’t even touch the headache, which is odd in and of itself so, by 3:45 I was miserable, shaky and cold and went home.  Temp is again a full degree below normal.  Chiropractor called to ask a couple of questions about dizziness and spots and now I’m a bit concerned, but hopefully, his holistic approach will be able to deal with whatever is out of whack.

I was digging around in my desk drawer the other day, didn’t find what I was looking for, but found my wedding rings!  I thought those little suckers were long  gone!  Funny how they don’t generate any emotion of the years I spent with the man who gave them to me.  It’s just sort of a blank area of my life.  I guess I was sort of existing during those years, but not really living.  Except for the years after the girls were born, of course!  But the rings didn’t really trigger those memories either, almost as if they were mutually exclusive.  Well, maybe they were.  I wonder how common it is for a marriage to just leave a blank spot in peoples’ lives?  Maybe another book topic?  (my mind is definitely in high gear on that subject lately!)

So ACIM continues and it really is making me think.  WISH, on the other hand, is getting kind of odd.  Last night was about eating lots of fermented veggies (organic, of course) to fight off some sort of malicious yeast infection that goes all through the body, killing off cancer patients. Sheesh!  Some of this just sounds like it’s designed to cause mass panic!  Although I’m sure there truly is some value in what they’re saying, I can’t take it seriously when it’s discussed in such ominous terms!

I haven’t come up with any new gems to add to my book file, but I think part of that is my conscious decision to put it on hold for a month or so while I work on ACIM.  I’ve changed my focus for the moment, but that isn’t to say that the focus isn’t there.  I’m just holding myself back.  This could be a good thing because, when I remove the brakes, heaven only knows how fast and furious things will spill forth.  Sort of like the first few posts in March maybe?    Additional sources for my research are continually occurring to me, so maybe I’ll start another file on potential sources soon?  I’m going to have files for everything by the time this is through.  But I’ve read that authors do that.  They jot things down to possibly use at another time on another book, and pretty soon, they have dozens of ideas and places they want to do research.  No wonder some of them are so prolific.  They just go back to their files when a new idea doesn’t just occur to them at the end of a project.  Took me long enough to figure this out, didn’t it?  Funny, when I took the creative writing class, I just couldn’t get my mind to develop any really interesting ideas!  I have heard that you really have to write from what you know, though.  I suppose I just wasn’t ready to bare my soul and do that!  Age has it’s advantages, after all!

As I was worrying a bit about what’s ailing me, I gave some thought to the friends and acquaintances who have been diagnosed with cancer lately.  I was overcome with a huge upswelling of love and light for those people, their families and friends, as well as everyone else who might be suffering right now.  And I find myself so very grateful for my own health and good fortune and abundance.
Love and light.

March 18, 2011

So I missed a day of posting because my keyboard decided that it had typed it’s last note.  As I didn’t find out until after dancing, it was too late to replace it yesterday.  granted, I could have used the laptop which Paul so kindly tuned up for me yesterday when I had him check it out to determine why it wouldn’t “see” my network (don’t even ask.  I feel like a real dodo on this one, but Paul got his chuckle so all is good!), but I just can’t type as fast as I think on that teeny tiny keyboard.  Besides, it was already late so I just called it a night.

Today I took my vitamins in to my new chiropractor, only to find out that the Vitamin C I was taking was actually leeching copper from my already exhausted adrenals.  Also, I wasn’t getting much vitamin D from my current supplements, so they’re going in the trash, to be replaced by food based supplements instead.  As I already started on the adrenal supplement and my body has freaked out a bit, heaven only knows how it’s going to react to the rest of the group!  But I’ve always been one to jump in both feet, so this will be no exception.  I may spend tomorrow perched upon the “throne” so I’ll gather my reading material now!  The way I understand it, most of what we buy is synthetic and since the liver doesn’t recognize synthetics, it just kicks em out the other side.  (nice visual, I know!).  When it sees the supplements which are made from food it says “Hey there, I know you!  Want to play?”  Then they start doing a conga line through the liver, kidneys, intestines and all parts in between.  Remember the song “The music goes round and round and it comes out here”.  Only this isn’t quite as pleasant as music.  Holy bubonic, I have a colonic!  It sounds so moronic, to debauche this tonic.  Oh, well, you get the picture!

My back is feeling better and I’ve been headache free for two days!  Danced like crazy last night, in between cussing out the Bruins for almost losing to Michigan State.  I know they gave me more gray hairs last night!  But ranting at the tv with friends was fun too!

Had a lovely evening with Heather and Mathom.  Met them at the ATT store to help Heather pick out a new phone, then they picked up some yummy barbecue and surprised me with blueberry lemon frozen yogurt.  YUM!  But the kids had to retire early since Mathom has to be at the base very early and Heather starts work at 5:00 AM.  I shall be blissfully asleep until I wake up tomorrow!  They’ve had most of the week (except for a couple of early days for Heather) while on Spring break.  I get no break, spring or otherwise!    Scooby, AFTER consuming half a can of wet food, did his very best impression of forlorn, starved, neglected cat…to no avail.  He got no handouts!  But his act was very convincing!  He’d definitely do a good hungry cat running for food in a commercial if asked!

I’ve also found that since I’ve been going to this chiropractor, I’m more conscious of the things I’m doing which make me hurt, and making a conscious effort to stop doing those things!  I’ll be interested to see what the combination of the adjustments, the new supplements and the better awareness do to my overall health and well being.  Stay tuned to this station for updates and commentary.  Hmmm, now, is the improved consciousness because of the new routine or is it related to my latest project, A course in miracles?  Or maybe a combination of them all?  Heightened awareness can certainly be affected by many levels of changes.  As dreams have been much more vivid again lately, I think I’ll turn the focus on understanding what I’m learning while not trying to think or analyze things out.  I’ll bet there are some real gems of wisdom just waiting to be harvested!

(Just checked and if FB counts spaces, I’m over halfway to filling up Part 5!  And 6400 words, 13 pages in 9 posts!  Holy macaroni!)
Love and light,

March 19, 2011

Dreams are getting stranger and more vivid again, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

I was watching a video on Youtube today having to do with comments from a Hopi elder about the earthquake in Japan as well as other world changes which have been occurring.  The basic gist of the video was that we need to take care of Mother Earth and really be conscious of the damage that has been done.  And I suddenly realized that the nausea and headaches I’ve been experiencing could very well be connected to the earthquakes.  Granted, I’m more sensitive to those closer to home, but the magnitude alone, much less the shifting of the entire country of Japan and the loss of a second a year in the earth’s rotation are major changes.  I think, in retrospect, I’d be more concerned if I didn’t have a physical reaction to all of the changes.  But I think my theory was confirmed tonight when I got very lightheaded and felt almost disembodied at about 9:45 PM.  When I got home, I checked the earthquake site and, sure enough, there was a 4.6 aftershock at 9:42PM our time!  I don’t see this as a coincidence.  If nothing else, it would make sense that I am becoming more sensitive to the changes in the earth as I release a lot of other things from my life.  This is not to say that the holistic chiropractic and the change to food-based supplements isn’t helping as well, but I definitely need to focus more of my attention on helping to heal the earth and her occupants of all species now.  The Hopi video spoke of our using our healing energy to help make the changes, as well as being more respectful of natural resources like water.  I, for one, am really taking this to heart.

Now for the weird, detailed dreams.  My living room was very crowded with people, some of whom were in wheelchairs.  One of the visitors was Dorine. For some reason, only a couple of us were in the kitchen.  I was walking around the living room asking each person if I could get them something to drink, but either they were indecisive, or asked for something I didn’t have.  I kept moving from person to person, in hopes that I could find someone who asked for something I could provide, but ultimately found that I’d spoken to everyone, and was unable to provide a beverage to any of them.  ‘Then the scene changed and I was at what at first seemed like some kind of pirate fair, but was located in a town which was built on a hillside, adjacent to the ocean.  It seems now that it was on an island.  I started out at the top of the hill in a kind of grandstand area.  I didn’t seem to be interested in what was going on, some kind of dance competition, but the stage was set so far from the stands that it was impossible to actually see the performances.  I wandered down into the town in which the buildings were extremely old-fashioned, perhaps like you might find in some older parts of Europe.  I stopped to speak to a very charming and charismatic man who began walking with me and held out his hand to take mine.  We walked along the street, heading towards the ocean when I realized that I no longer held the hand of the man I’d been speaking to, but the hand of a woman.  We continued talking, then reached the shore.  She disappeared, and I found myself in a carriage with a woman and her child.  The child spit up a bit and I offered her some tissues.  When we reached their house, I exited the carriage as well because I didn’t feel that I wanted to leave the shore yet, but when I tried to go back the way I’d come, I kept running into dead ends or places where I couldn’t cross because the area was flooded, or was just the ocean.  Ultimately, the woman I’d walked to the shore with came back and helped me find my way back to the grandstand.  I really didn’t want to stay there, though, because no matter where I sat, I couldn’t see anything.  But it seemed that I couldn’t really find my way anywhere else unless either the man or the woman came back to guide me elsewhere.

So that’s it for the current weird dream installment!  Lots of room for interpretation here, I think.

And on the home front, Heather is annoyed with Jenni because of a comment about something I had done to her with regard to Serenity, which caused a friend of Jenni’s to make a snide remark about what I’d do to Heather’s children.  And Heather is annoyed with me because I put my hand up so she wouldn’t run into me on the dance floor.  So life continues in it’s usual, convoluted, “just try and make sense of this” kind of way.  I was a lazy butt all day thanks to Toby and Loki feeling the need to serenade me before the sun was even a glimmer in the Eastern sky.  Toby got locked out around 4 ish and Loki around 8.  Unfortunately, going back to sleep at 8 meant I slept until Heather got home from work!  The only thing I can say is, I must have needed the rest!  I have a whole list of chores and errands to do tomorrow, but I’m glad I gave myself the restful day my body clearly needed.  (and who knows?  it might be getting the rest now in preparation for some wild and crazy times yet to come?  I’ve really been trying to just follow my intuition lately, knowing that, in at least some of the cases, the guidance is coming from the wisdom of the Universe when I don’t try to overthink or overanalyze).

Going to check emails and messages and go to bed early again (oh look, it’s 11:11 yet again!)  New beginnings just feel like they’re barrelling down on me now!  Good thing I love roller coasters!

Love and light,

March 20, 2011

Today our world is flooded.  We got more rain in the last 24 hours than I’ve seen in a very long time!  Roads are rivers, garages are lakes and sidewalks are best left to the ducks.  I still went out and ran some errands, then went to a swing dance for a couple of hours.  It was fun but I just felt like a fifth wheel.   Maybe going more will help that, I don’t know.  Or maybe there were just a lot of couples and being a single makes me stick out some.  But I also noticed the feeling of not fitting last night at Borderline.  Almost like people were uncomfortable around me and that I was making a lot of social gaffes.  Also had a guy from my old dance team tell me that I shouldn’t put pictures of my cats on my Facebook profile.  His rationale was that when he’s on a dating site and sees a woman with pictures of cats, it’s an immediate turnoff.  I countered that I wasn’t on Facebook looking for a date (good grief, I haven’t dated anyone in more than 10 years!  Although I check in with a dating site or two when I’m bored, I have never really taken them seriously, nor would I depend on them to find me a match!)  and what I put in my profile was definitely not geared towards attracting a member of the opposite sex.  He did agree with me that getting out and doing something like dancing was a much better place to meet people with common interests anyway.  So the kitty pictures stay! 🙂

I also reinstated the Serenity album on Facebook, along with scans of the pictures Jenni gave me.  She really is a cute kid, though really only my granddaughter in name at the moment.  As long as Jenni wants to invent reasons to be angry, that’s how it will stay.  The sad part is that the very delicate relationship she’s been building with her sister is at stake because Heather will not tolerate her bad-mouthing me.  I appreciate her loyalty, and love her infinitely for it, but wish she wouldn’t let it affect her emotionally.  We’ve talked about how it bothers her more than it does me, because I can consider the source, but she can’t tolerate someone maligning me.  I appreciate the fact that she’s learned to avoid the argument and just walk away when Jenni says things she doesn’t like.  Her maturity is showing.  So I send Jenni more love and light whenever something potentially negative threatens.  She and Serenity really need as much love and light as they can get right now as I know things aren’t easy, whether it is because of circumstances or because of Jenni’s own doing.  The source doesn’t matter, just the result.  I’ve simply learned that when you love someone, the last thing you want or need to do is watch them hurt themselves.  So being kept at arm’s length is actually more to my benefit than hers right now.  I can send all the love I want to, but I don’t have to actually watch her taking the harder paths.  And I know that when she starts taking easier paths, they will ultimately lead to a better relationship with Heather and me.

I’m feeling a small amount of trepidation tonight, perhaps connected to what might be a very hairy drive to work tomorrow, or perhaps it is how my life is changing.  I did have one disturbing thought last week though.  The only person who is truly close to me right now is Heather, so if something happened to me and she was out of the area, I don’t have anyone to call.  I just don’t seem to be able to form good bonds with people these days, or maybe it’s these years.  Have I built my walls too high?  Have I wandered too far down my own path that nobody can relate?  Whatever it is, I truly want some good, close friends I can connect with on many levels, who I know I can depend on in times of joy and times of crisis and anything in between.  to love and be loved by.  The reality is, I’m almost 56 years old and, with the exception of Heather, I’m really quite alone. (and I know I need to turn this thought process as it definitely reeks of lack!)   I’m sure the Universe has done this for a reason, but it’s pretty scary from where I sit.  I want Heather to feel that she can have her own friends and her own life and not have to complicate it by worrying about me.  So I suppose over the next few weeks, while, with the help of ACIM, I’m pondering the meaninglessness of my thoughts and my life, I’ll ultimately find the right direction again.
Love and light.

March 22, 2011

Although I’m only up to lesson 13 in ACIM, I believe that this is the absolute right time and place for me to embark on this journey.  The process of cleaning my slate is opening me to more possibilities every day because I am letting ego step aside and let ideas come to me rather than trying to dig them out of my brain.

Finding my wedding rings, which have to have been in that drawer which I open at least daily for nearly 20 years now is a good example.  I can no longer even conjure memories of those years, much less the hurt and anger I felt at the time.  It is like a wound that healed over long ago, and didn’t even leave a scar (just glanced over at the clock on my desk which reads 1:11)  and because it left no scar, it didn’t really exist in the first place.  It was merely meaning I gave it which wasn’t really there.   There was some sort of lesson, as there is in every experience in my life, which I learned, made a part of myself, and moved away from.  The experience from which the lesson is learned is unimportant as are the players.  The two beautiful daughters, and now a granddaughter as well, who came out of that experience, and who, without the experience, might not have come to be, are really what is important.  So, I walked a path and planted a seed so that, at another time, I could walk another plant and enjoy the flowers from that seed and so that those flowers could send out more seeds and ultimately be a part of the Universal Garden, imbuing it with their own unique scents and colors.  The only thing that really matters, then, is that it is.

Got home late last night after taking care of some errands to find Toby and Loki pacing the floor.  In their furry little minds, it was well past dinner time and I was quite remiss in my duties as their staff in providing their expected meal in a timely manner.  Bad Human!  🙂  Not that that caused them to hold back on the snuggles later on, of course, but is that really for my benefit, or theirs?

I’m also noticing some pattern changes lately.  I seem to be ravenous mid-day, and tending to eat a much smaller meal at night.  I’m also finding myself tiring an hour or even two earlier than I’m accustomed to, and going to bed earlier as well.  I still want that extra five minutes (about 12 times) in the morning, and take awhile to actually get in gear once I’m awake.  I’m not sure if it’s the new supplements, the adjustments to my back, or if I’m just relaxing more, then finding it difficult to leave that relaxed state.   But at this point, I think the best course of action is to just listen to my body and give it what it needs.  Which reminds me that my choice of food is continuing to alter as well.  I’m eating more and more fresh fruits and vegetables and wanting less meat and even rice.  Not that I ever expect that I’ll give up meat, but it’s becoming a smaller part of my meals now.

I’ll wind this up now as I’ll likely write more tonight, and I’m getting close to using up this space!
Love and light.

March 23, 2011

I can’t believe how fast this month has flown, and how much more consistent I’ve been at writing both this blog and my ACIM blog.  I’m already through lesson 14 which means that I’ve done 2 full weeks worth of lessons.  That’s halfway through my minimum goal before starting work on my first book!  I’m just stunned!  And meanwhile, my work with the holistic chiropractor is going well, and tomorrow we begin the N.E.T. or Neuro emotional training portion of my treatment.  I’m a little afraid as this part brings out things from my past which are affecting me physically, unbeknownst to me.  Some I’m already facing in my own way, but are there others which I’ve yet to face and let go of?  I have been working very hard on forgiving everyone including myself.  I know there are still some I have yet to forgive, and, to be honest, I haven’t even started working on forgiving my parents.  I did a brief shot at forgiving my sister, but it’s far from complete, but I haven’t even attempted my parents yet.  I know that a good deal of that will happen during the writing of my book, but it really does surprise me that, with all of the forgiveness I have achieved, all of the forgiveness I’ve begun offering, I offered none to my parents.  Even my ex got his, but in truth, he really is pretty meaningless, engenders little emotional response any more, so forgiving him was probably easier than most as I don’t really care about him.  Pity him, yes, but care?  That ended a very long time ago.  At the time, I believed that he had killed any caring or respect I had for him, but i know now that I was the one who drove the knife in, not him.  I was the one who, recognizing that our relationship was cancerous to me and the girls, cut off the offending part with little emotion aside from relief when the moldering part was detached.  That is not to say that I haven’t found others difficult to truly forgive, and myself, for my part in what I am having difficulty forgiving, despite the fact that they are unimportant to me or to my life as it is now.  But realizing that I have yet to attempt to forgive my parents is pretty earth shaking.  On the other hand, it’s similar to an addiction in that you can’t quit until you recognize that it is a problem or an issue.  I acknowledge that forgiving my parents is hugely important to my own growth.  Perhaps writing this book is part of the process because, until I come to terms, understand to some degree, both their motivations and my own ways of dealing, or not dealing with their actions, forgiveness of both them and myself, just won’t be truly manifested.

So, two weeks into ACIM, and two weeks into the mind opening process I feel I need to get a strong start on before embarking upon the task I’ve set for myself, I feel more strongly than ever that this is THE path I’ve been seeking.  And as Marigold said, when it came to me, I was definitely surprised!  Thank you, Universe, for showing me my soul path, and for getting me going on my life-long dream of being a published author.

I’m sitting her thinking how very grateful I am for my friends who encourage me, inspire me and kick me in the butt when I need it.  Those who are just coming into my life now, and those who have been in my life but are beginning to play a bigger part in my evolution.  To my daughter who keeps me young and makes me proud.  For the little things both she and her boyfriend do.  Tonight, she wanted to make hot cocoa as it’s cold and rainy again, so I picked up mini marshmallows for her on the way home from work.  When she got home, she brought me cinnamon apple sauce and flowers with my favorite pink gerbera daisies, and Mathom brought my hot chocolate in my Chutzpa cup with lots of marshmallows.  I’d just taken a sip when Heather yelled down the hall “Don’t drink it yet!  Don’t drink it yet!”  Puzzled, I set the mug down until she could run into my office, cinnamon stick in hand to stir the cocoa and drop the stick in proclaiming “It isn’t right without the cinnamon!”  Brings a smile to my face again just remembering!  And my friend, Lisa, admitted that she, too, sings to her cats (after I posted a crazy cat lady icon I got from one of my animal sites).  So one more Pfffft to Gordon!  Crazy cat ladies are just as loveable as the rest.  You just have to find a man who understands us!  Lucky Lisa has found one who loves her for herself, her cats and her cat craziness.  There is hope for us all!  And until then, my Dylan Man loves me unconditionally, as I love him.  And Toby and Scooby come to me for loves every day.  And the 3 girls just like to snuggle up in a pile of cats and cat lady!  life is so very, very good!

This post is very rambling, because one thing reminds me of another.  And while I’m being grateful, I’m grateful for the rains that have made the hills around her incredibly beautiful!  The many shades of green, alone, are stunning, but add to that the wild mustard, the lupine and the poppies slowly poking their heads up, and it’s pure paradise!  And the clouds nestling into the crevices of the hills give the world a wonderfully surreal look which just invites the Universe to open my mind, heart and eyes further every day.  I am so very blessed!  And I have faith that with so many recognizing those blessings, it’s only a matter of time before the healing we’re giving the earth, the air, the water, our entire environment and all of it’s inhabitants begins to really become apparent.  the wounds will heal and be covered over with fresh, new, healthy growth.  And it’s the fresh, new, healthy growth that I see in my mind’s eye.  I don’t see the injuries and the damage any more.  Just the healing.  Everywhere I look is aglow with the pink, green and gold lights of healing energy.  I look at Japan and I see the healing energy infusing the entire country.  I look at the Gulf and see healing energy and blue, clear water where animals are slowly returning and taking up their lives.  I look at the Middle East and see healing energy spreading across the land, replacing anger, hate and fear with pure, clear love.    It’s kind of like when the girls were little, I’d say, “I’m sorry, my ears don’t hear tattles”.  Now, my eyes and my mind don’t see anger, hate, illness or disasters.  They only see love, forgiveness, hope, appreciation, healing and health.  This is my perfect world.

Love and Light.

March 24, 2011

Today was an interesting day.  I worked, had meetings with my staff, handled a couple of problems, answered emails and the day went quickly.  Had my first N.E.T session with my chiro.  It was interesting.  Theoretically, the problem in my shoulder is connected to my liver and an issue from when I was 10.  Although it involved my grandmother’s death and my dad’s reaction when he was telling us that she was dying, my issue was with my mother’s lack of supportiveness, at least according to the doc.  Shoulder is still a little sore, but we’ll see how it feels in the morning.

Went dancing, talked to people, but tonight, again,  I felt very disconnected.  Even on the dance floor in the midst of a crowd, I felt like I was in my own private bubble.  I’m not sure, right now, if the source of the disconnection is my decision to write the book or my embarking on ACIM but I feel like it’s not just me feeling disconnected, but that people are kind of bouncing off my aura.  Yet some seem to get through and connect with me, if only briefly.  I only stayed until 9 because I felt I had to get home, do my ACIM lesson and write in my blog.  I did come up with another disconnected paragraph which I added to my book notes.  It just came to me as I was driving to work.  I may need to start carrying a dictaphone so I can save these little gems wherever I am.  They seem to be coming to me at random moments now, as if the Universe is just dropping them into my brain.  I definitely need to get to the point where I start my research.  I’m really curious as to what kinds of things go through a person’s mind before they actually take the steps to end their own life.  I am still undecided as to whether I will begin once I’ve completed lesson 30 or go on to 60.  I notice that 51 to 60 are actually reviews of the previous lessons, taken 5 at a time.  I’m thinking that lesson 30 might be the time to start my research and maybe laying out a bit of a framework, but that the actual writing will start after lesson 60, but I’m learning that my best option is to follow the guidance I am now being given in seemingly random bits.  Just as I know that I will write the book, and I know what the topic will be and I know what the title is, I also know that I will begin writing at the exact moment that I am supposed to, and not a moment before or a moment after.  Meanwhile, I go to work, I go to the chiropractor (and have a wonderful massage on Saturday!) and I dance.  In between times, I keep up ACIM and this blog, which I’m getting much more consistent about.  It’s been nearly a month since I started really sticking with the writing.  I wish I could remember that little blurb about how long it takes to create a habit.  But as long as I keep going, I will do it!  Hooray!

I’ve been showing Serenity’s pictures around.  Everyone exclaims over how adorable she is, and how it looks like she shares some of my traits.  She really reminds me of that studio picture of my mom when she was about 5.  Sera, as Jenni calls her, has really beautiful eyes and adorable round cheeks!  I really appreciate the baby steps Jenni is taking to re-establish our relationship.  It won’t happen overnight, but at least she’s begun.  It is for me to enjoy them when I see them, and to be patient in the meantime.   Heather has learned that she doesn’t need to take Jenni’s bait and get into an argument.  She just needs to walk away.  In time, it will be as effective as her refusal to be at Jenni’s beck and call.  Jenni will learn that she does want a real relationship with her family and that it won’t necessarily be all her way.  She’ll learn to meet us in the middle and that is part of her own maturing process.  Meanwhile, as do Jenni and Heather, Serenity has a mommy who loves her very much, and that is the most important thing.

And on that note, I will go off to mull over my current (not the first nor will it be the last) bout of disconnectedness.

Love and Light.

Blog Part 6, where my friends begin to see the monster they’ve created.

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March 27, 2011
It’s been an interesting couple of days, and though I had a lot to say, I refrained from sitting down and writing, though I’m not entirely sure why as lack of time was not the issue.  However, in that time, the disconnectedness I was feeling seems to have dissipated.  I had an absolute blast last night, and seemed to connect with everyone quite well.  In fact, I think I was one great big joy bubble all night long!  (heck, just typing that brings a huge smile to my face all over again!)  I had an amazing massage yesterday, despite the fact that my head filled up while I was lying on my stomach and I had to breathe through my mouth and remember to swallow every now and then (I guess I need to bite the bullet and just take a darn Claritin before I go, as that seems to solve the problem) and, for some reason, I kept farting in little toots.  I was rather embarrassed and tried to control it, but it’s impossible to relax while trying to hold back farts, as I discovered.  I started to apologize afterwards and Barb said she wasn’t sure whether to break the flow and tell me it was ok or not, but that I shouldn’t worry about it as it doesn’t bother her.  Dang, and that’s always been one of my concerns when I’m on the table, though this is the first time it ever happened, surprisingly enough.  Must be those darn supplements from Dr. Duben making my system freak out until I get used to them.  🙂  I also chose bright, fluorescent orange for the tips of my nails this week.  Hmmm, I wonder if that is some kind of indication of how I’m going to make the next couple of weeks go?
Thinking more on my reconnecting, and such, I’m wondering if, at least in part, it’s connected to my N.E.T session.  Although I was somewhat skeptical, I have to admit that it worked!  My shoulder no longer hurts, although now I can clearly feel where the pain that is affecting my neck and the migraines is coming from.  That’s a good thing as he can work on those areas in future sessions.  But in releasing the issue that caused the pain, I think the result was more far-reaching as that issue’s results are also gone.  That’s not to say that there aren’t others which are still affecting my life of which I’m not aware, but that one is gone.  Perhaps my disconnectedness on Thursday night was connected to having just released something from my distant past, and the rest of me adjusting to it being gone?  I had my session just before dancing on Thursday, so it’s not such a far fetched idea.
I’m also finding that the subject of my book is coming up and smacking me in the face rather frequently lately, almost like the Universe has erected a huge neon sign to make absolutely certain I got the message about my soul purpose.  It’s as if it’s saying “Look, here’s another example you can use” or “Hey, have you considered this aspect?”.  I do appreciate the help and guidance and hope that it will continue throughout this project and on to the next one as well.  With Universal guidance, I will get my story out and it will help others who have been through the same experience.  I suspect I will even connect with some of those people once the book comes out.
One of these neon signs was a play Christine invited me to go see with her this weekend.  It was called “Frybread” and was at the Autry Museum (who was to know they had a theatre?) where they produce plays regularly with Native American themes.  It was about four women dealing with the suicide of a man who was son, husband, brother-in-law and father.  He kept taking over one or another of the women and threatening the rest because of their parts in downturns in his life.  In the end, it turned out that the mother shot him, thinking he was going to molest his daughter as his father had done to him (and she’d killed HIM with a frying pan and buried him under the cottonwoods).  In the end, the mother blew up the house with the help of the wife’s oxygen tank which, in the Indian tradition, would release the angry ghosts.  All in all, it was a very powerful production with a few comedic moments to lighten the intensity a bit.  And spending the evening with another Cat Lady was a hoot as well.  We came back to the house and talked cats for an hour or so, and discussed doing other things together as we’ve both found that we plan things out a few months only to have friends flake out on us.  She’d emailed me because she realized that maybe she needed to expand her circle of people she did things with, and I’m glad she did.  That was a new and fun experience.    (sorry, slight pause as I looked over to see Dylan lying on my hairband in such a way as to look like he was trying to wear it.  Silly cat!)
I want to say that ACIM is progressing nicely, but the lessons are getting more difficult already.  But in looking ahead, I see that these lessons are actually reviewed in groups of 5 in future lessons, so I know that I’m not expected to get it all in the first go around.  Also, I see that I’m supposed to actually revisit the lesson 3 or 4 times a day and I haven’t been doing that, so I need to start.  I really should change up how I’m doing them and get up early enough in the morning to do a lesson so I can address it through the day, and one last time before writing in this blog in the evening.  Every real writer gets themselves into a system of writing, at least until they hit that point where the story is pouring out of them and they forgo eating, sleeping and other typical daily actions to just write.  (in my case, there will not be an overflowing ashtray, thank goodness!)  And, I really am, although the book itself has not been started yet, feeling like a real writer now!  The excitement in me continues to build and I recognize assistance from the Universe a lot more easily now.  Although I have a long way to go to where my mind is completely open to Universal mind, I’ve gotten so much closer in the last 3 weeks!  I admit that the thought of writing this was suggested to me months ago and I did give it some thought, but it didn’t really resonate with me at the time, so I guess I wasn’t quite ready.  I was ready to talk about it, but not ready to really sit down, do the research, talk to others who’d been through it, and get it down on paper.  But the seed was definitely planted that night, so thank you, Shari, for planting it.  (Or thank you, Universe, through Shari).
I need to get my day going as Heather will be home soon and we have a very small window in which to get our grocery shopping done.  She and Mathom are off to a two-step class with Candy, then a Quidditch practice at the park near the college, and I have a WCS class and dance later this afternoon, and chores to do in the meantime (clean clothes are a rather pressing issue at the moment, and I finally got the bedclothes off of my bed in a rare, cat free moment!)
Love and Light

March 27, 2011 Part 2
I think I’m really starting to take the ACIM lessons more seriously now, and I’ve also come to the realization that I need to set up a regular pattern for my writing, so that it will be a habit when I actually start my book.  My best option is to get up about 30 minutes earlier than I have been so I can do my writing and my ACIM lesson first thing in the morning.  I’m going to see how that works starting tomorrow (today doesn’t count as it is the weekend and whenever I get up works).  I’m still noticing the time at 11:11 and 1:11 a lot more than coincidence would dictate, just as I’m noticing more references to suicide than coincidence would dictate.  (my typing sucks so badly tonight that I think I’m backspacing more than I’m typing letters!)
Life is going to get interesting in the coming weeks as I seem to be getting out dancing more, but I also need to put more time into my writing.  It is going to be a very interesting juggling act for the next foreseeable future.  But dancing makes for a healthy body and a healthy body makes for a healthy and productive mind, so all in all, I believe that it will work out perfectly once I find the balance.    And I still need to make sure that I get meditation time in as well.  I see myself heading for what I did in my college days which involved less sleep!  But even now, my brain is telling me that it needs that sleep, and I even slept until about 9:30 this morning!  I truly do believe, though, that my body and mind will find their own balance as I continue down this path, moreso because it really is my soul path and for a soul path, everything must come together.
I read tonight that forgiving yourself results in forgiving others and it’s really making me think that spending a lot of time forgiving everyone individually may not be necessary at all as long as I find my way to forgiving myself completely.  As I still include forgiveness and acceptance in my meditations, I will shift my focus slightly and just concentrate on forgiving myself and allow that forgiving feeling to radiate outwarrds to wherever it might be needed.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
And before I drive myself nuts backspacing over my typos (sort of like how I sew with a seam ripper), I’m going to bring March 27, 2011 to a close and wish everyone
Love and light.

March 28, 2011
Day 1 of my new routine of getting up early to write.  I sit here yawning and rubbing my eyes, barking at Loki to keep her furry face out of my water glass, and wanting just five more minutes of horizontal time.  Did I mention that I am not a morning person?  And Dylan chose this morning to go back to laying on my pillow around my head.  Could it just be the clean sheets he thinks he needs to re-fur?  Or did he really want more time to snuggle with me?  Funny cat.  Some nights, he doesn’t even sleep on the bed at all!
So the problem with getting up this early to write is that my brain isn’t really engaged yet, so I don’t have much to say.  I’m sure, as time goes on, that I’ll become more prolific, but for now, I haven’t any real good stuff to impart.  With a little luck, I’ll have the inclination to add more tonight.
(Later in the day)  So the problem I see with changing my habit to getting up earlier is that my mind is stuck on wanting to be back in my warm bed with Dylan wrapped around my head and Patches snuggled up beside me.  And worse, following up by crawling back into bed made me late to work AND I had to spend more for gas because I didn’t have time to stop at Costco this morning.  Maybe by telling myself all of the downsides of staying in bed will help to get my brain functioning in the morning.  If nothing else, dreams should be clearer then.
I’m still marveling over the positive effects of the NET treatment I had last Thursday.  Although I’m not yet pain free, one of the major ones is gone.  And as he dealt with one issue from my 10th year, I’m hoping that the migraines will be gone as well, as they started the same year, and there’s definitely evidence that they are hormonally driven, at least to some extent (despite the fact that my hormones are in another dimension these days!)    In addition, whereas I’m normally kind of droopy on Mondays which is why I hadn’t been going to WCS, I’m feeling much more energized and alert today.  Could be that this is another positive change I’ll need as I get into a routine of writing and dancing and all of my regular activities.  Increased energy will definitely be a bonus when I’m taking more on!
Love and light.

March 29, 2011
Had a wonderful night dancing again last night, and it really is making it better to have my shoulder behaving itself and not causing me a great deal of pain as it was.  Granted, I’m aware of OTHER parts of my back twinging and complaining, but I have no doubt that those areas will slowly become happy again too.  And when I wake in the morning, there’s either minimal achiness or none at all.  As tonight is my one night with nothing to do except come straight home from work, I will do more writing then.   Mind is still a bit fuzzy and I didn’t get up as early as I wanted to but oh, that bed felt sooooo good, and Dylan and Toby were snuggly all night!

(1:40 PM)  My morning writing sessions are definitely slow to get started, but I am not going to give up on them.  I think that, in time, I will be more willing to jump out of bed early enough to wake and get some serious writing done.  Meanwhile, I’ll just try to augment my meager early morning contributions with thoughts and observations throughout the day.  I find that lately, I’m feeling more energetic and more open.  I spend more time talking to people, getting to know them, getting their viewpoints, and just absorbing some humanity (and hopefully, some spirituality as well).  I’m finding, more and more, that I am surrounded by some very insightful people who I want to learn from and grow with.  This interaction will only help make my book even better.
I was noticing in Tony’s last email that the tone of his Wednesday mediation meetings has changed and that they are now reading and discussing a book.  I would like to participate, but his sessions tend to go later than I’d like, and I’m torn between attending his sessions and going to Joe’s two-step lessons.  And now I’m tying up more nights with dancing as I add WCS back into my routine.  But I know that when I need to re-establish my connection with the group meditations and all they offer, I will just do it, and stop making excuses.  (or, perhaps, I’ll find another group which suits my needs and my time schedule better)   These days, it seems that when I need to know or experience something, it comes into my life in a form which I can recognize and benefit from.  The Universe truly provides and I am learning to better open myself to what it is offering every day.  Sometimes it’s with huge neon signs and other times, it’s more subtle, like it either knows I’m getting it, or it wants me to be paying attention before I get the message.  Either way, I’m enjoying the surprises however they come to me.
I’m starting to compile a mental list of who I might want to talk to and where I might want to look for some facts and figures for my book.  I know that some of those sources will come into my life when I need them, just because I’m putting the thoughts out there for all to catch, if you will.  Today’s ACIM lesson really is getting through to me.  The idea that how I see and experience something is shared by the whole is pretty powerful stuff.  And it gives me a good mental picture of something Marianne Williamson said when I attended her event.  To paraphrase, we are all part of this vast ocean of souls, and any movement we make causes a ripple which flows throughout the whole.  Further, any thought we have or emotion we experience further adds to those ripples and is felt universally.  Pretty strong stuff that all of us little “waves” keep it all in motion.  On the one hand, it makes me want to have greater care with my thoughts and actions, but on the other, it makes me want to analyze less and flow with it more.  Why?  Because I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I am exactly who I am supposed to be!
Love and light

March 30, 2011
I’m trying something new today.  Instead of jumping out of bed and heading straight for the computer, I got up, did my normal morning routine (shower, teeth, vitamins, clothes and of course, the always starving Loki) and then came in to write.  This way, I won’t be trying to think of things to say while visions of my warm, soft, comfy bed invade my thoughts.  I think this will be more effective over the long haul, at least until the time when I have to allocate a piece of each day for research and writing.  And speaking of research, I started last night.  I did a search for “Why do people commit suicide?”  I got quite a few articles bookmarked but noticed that a lot more time seems to be spent on teen suicide than adult suicide, although adults are typically successful the first time in higher numbers, significantly higher numbers, in fact, than teens.  Although my personal focus is adults, I suspect that there will be discussions about teens and young adults when the book starts spilling out of my brain.  I can’t say that I haven’t been touched more than once in my life by younger people deciding that they didn’t want to live any longer.  It seems, though, that with teens, drugs and depression (alone or together) are the top reasons, while adults are a little more complex.  Perhaps because adults have had to take on responsibilities, relationships, jobs and job losses and many other life lessons which, for some, are more difficult than others.  I didn’t read any of the articles yet, but merely skimmed them to see if they might be useful, and, if so, bookmarked them.  I did run across a site by Dr. Phil which had many people discussing their experiences and realized that I had overlooked a potentially valuable source of information in people who had tried but had not succeeded.  From them, I can get some insight about they whys.  That is not to say that I’ll ever really know or understand the reasons for those close to me, but insight into the whys, the signs, how I can make a difference in the future, are all points I’d like to ultimately make as I write.
I can see that this method is a bit more effective in getting my thoughts out as my brain has had time to wake up a little more, my contacts are in so I can see better, and I don’t feel like I need to get this done so I can start getting ready for work.  However, I can also see that I have to get going as it’s time for me to hit the road, so I will either have to get up earlier (today I lazed about 10 minutes longer than I intended). or move faster in my daily ablutions so I can write as long as the muse directs.  But perhaps, as I did yesterday, I’ll add more bits and pieces throughout the day.
Love and Light.

March 31, 2011
Yesterday was fun.   I posted something about wearing our animals and a long conversation ensued about how much we appreciate our furry friends/children.  More and more, I am getting reinforcement that Gordon’s opinion about women and cats is really not the norm.  A lot of my male friends are staunch cat people.  And just as I need someone who enjoys dancing, I also need someone who understands and appreciates cats, especially how important it is to spoil and pamper them.  I realized too that my cats are good for my heart in many ways, including the obvious health reasons.  Loving them expands my heart and connecting with them brings them into everything I do.  My house shield would not be the same without their influence, evenings spent watching them chase each other around the house, sprawl on the living room floor and snuggle with me on the sofa would be much emptier without them.  So if that makes me a crazy cat lady, so be it!
I’m definitely getting more into the dancing again, although it will take some time for all of these muscles to accustom themselves to the increased activity.  I can really feel it in my back and glutes, but yes, the shoulder is still pain free!  Today, we’re supposed to do the NET on my glutes, so maybe the lower back pain will cease after today as well.  It makes me wonder if so many of my friends who have a lot of pain either from headaches or their diagnosis of fibromyalgia or some old injury would benefit from this treatment (oh, and my big toe is reminding me that the pain it has was truly an injury and that it feels honor bound to remind me that walking toe first into a block of concrete was not its idea of a good time).  I may send Leslie some information on it as it could very well make a difference for her, although I know that she rarely lets things stop her.  They may slow her down, but she’ll bulldoze through them just because she won’t let anything win.
Running out of things to say so I’ll leave this with a “to be continued” tag.

(11:32 PM)  Had another N.E.T. session today, this one focusing on my glutes which subsequently led to my intestines.  The initial emotional cause was, surprisingly, Heather and my frustration with her reactions when questioned about taking responsibility.  He connected it back to my 9th year and altercations with a girl who was nicknamed “Pokey” who lived between me and school and who, if I walked by her house when she was there, would bully me, and, at one point, knocked me down and beat my head on the sidewalk.  The doctor said that her behaviour contributed to my low self-esteem at that time, and which I’ve apparantly carried with me, and I reacted to her failing to behave in an appropriate manner and take responsibility for her actions.  Glutes are still tight, but not painful, but as with the shoulder, when one muscle is relieved, I feel the others which are tight all the more, so tonight, I’m very tight along the top of my back, between my shoulders.  He also said that the affected organ was my intestines, and, interestingly, while dancing tonight, I suddenly experienced terrible intestinal cramps and had to run to the bathroom.  I’m curious as to whether the treatment made my body do it’s own kind of colon cleanse to rid itself of toxins in the intestines?  I feel fine now, but did have about a half hour of crampy, nauseous, claminess before everything went back to normal.  I’m beginning to think that I need to ask him not to do N.E.T. sessions on Thursdays.  Last week, I felt all disconnected from people and tonight, my gut got involved, cutting short my dancing, and making me miss Dizzy, Chocolate and TGIF.  How rude!  But if this really works like the one for my shoulder did, not only will my muscles and joints be happier, but I suspect that my internal organs and such will also find that they are functioning more as they should as well, so who am I to complain?  And while I’m working on clearing my mind in preparation for writing, this is clearing my body so that it will work at a higher level as well.  Already I’m sleeping better and seem to have more energy.
Love and light

April 1, 2011
I woke this morning, again realizing that I’d slept through the night.  I don’t know for sure what to attribute it to, but I’m very grateful for complete nights’ sleep as I wake far more rested than when I sleep in fits and starts.  In half waking as I hit the snooze button on my alarm, the dream had me selecting from a series of reasons which coincided with each time I hit the snooze button.  At the end, it gave me a breakdown of my answers, although at this point, I don’t remember what the question or the answers really were.  Just interesting how the mind injects things that are really happening into our dreams when we’re in a semi-awake state.
Today’s ACIM lesson talks about wanting to see things differently because even things which we feel are minor irritants are, essentially, controlled rage.  The idea is that even a slight twinge of irritation is merely veiled rage.  Interesting thought, but I’ve found that when something irritates me and I’m aware of it, I immediately flip the switch, as it were, to something more pleasant or for which I am grateful as I don’t choose to linger in that state of irritation or annoyance any more.  Perhaps this is a good explanation as that minor irritation can be fed by other minor irritations if I’m already in that state to attract them, and soon, the minor irritation becomes irrational anger over minor issues not even worthy of my attention.  Essentially, the straw that broke the camel’s back syndrome.  I just never really put it together like that.  Maybe that’s why putting instructions in writing to people like Julia instead of getting myself all worked up was so much more effective for me.  It gave me time to de-emotionalize the situation and just put it into dispassionate instructions addressing only the work and not the person.
Another potential offer of work to generate extra income came my way last night, but because of the immediacy of the need, I wasn’t able to act upon it this time.  Interestingly, the thing with Bobby hasn’t really turned into anything.  I sent him two messages asking if he’d gotten me access to his server, but he didn’t respond.  No reason for me to try to fix things when I don’t get the feeling he was really serious about having me fix them.   I should have charged him for the 2 hours I spent there, and diagnosed the issue with his bank account, but it’s not worth it.  I’ll include it if I end up actually doing any work.  More important to work with others to give myself options should some of the things I’m expecting come to pass.  I have to pay the bills until my book starts selling. 🙂
Going to head off to work so I can get out early, as it IS Friday!  More later.
Love and Light

April 2, 2011
So I got through April Fool’s day without a single prank pulled either on me or by me.  I can’t believe I didn’t at least TRY!  Ah well, there’s always next year. 🙂
Heather made a wonderful dinner of grilled, marinated turkey cutlets and grilled artichokes last night!  Very healthy and delicious!  Then we went to see Hop which was very cute, and hysterical in a number of places!  I didn’t even realize until the end that Hugh Laurie was the voice of the daddy bunny!  Awwww.  But if you ask me, the relationship between EB and his dad was better played than the one between Fred and HIS dad.
Interesting dream last night which kind of connected with the tentative offers of side work I’ve had the last couple of months which have yet to actually bear fruit. I dreamt I got a call from Ed begging me to come in and write checks for him.  But at the beginning of the phone call, he acted like I was a week late in getting in there to do it.  I pointed out that he’d fired me but in the dream, I was saying that it was a year ago.  I realize that dreams distort time a lot, so there’s no real surprise.  But it’s also interesting as I saw him and Chrissy at Martha’s office last year when I was working on this Jenni drama and he was very cool, which is fine, all things considered, and his choice, for sure. 🙂  Just another very negative energy source that I needed to remove from my life, and did.  At any rate, in the dream, I had a couple of side jobs going in addition to my regular job, and was also deep into my writing, not to mention regular nights of dancing.  I told him I just didn’t have time for him any more and ended the call.   I wonder if this really related to something else in my life whose time has run out?  (sorry, checked out for a minute to let my mind wander)  Suddenly got the urge to pull out the tarot cards and do a card of the day. 
Interesting draw:  Five of Wands
I see:  three men wielding rods and protecting a well dressed man from a single attacker, also wielding a rod.  Two of the protectors are in a more protective stance while the third looks ready to strike the attacker.  Interestingly, the attacker and protectors are all dressed alike, as if part of the same class or even that they are associated and that there was some sort of disagreement between the man being protected and the one attacking, perhaps an employer to employee which caused the employee to react violently.  Yet, the other three are not trying to hold him back, but rather, are surrounding the gentleman protectively. The sky is an angry sort of brick red, and the ground is dry and cracked, almost hellish.
I feel:  There is a certain degree of controlled rage in this card, on the one part, and a desire to reasonably settle the argument on the other.  The protective rather than aggressive stance of the protectors seems to be at the request of the man being protected, as if he is saying, “let’s settle this reasonably instead of violently”.
I think:  This card seems to be directly related to my ACIM lesson today, regarding turning our anger and vengeance which is based on our perceptions into realization that the aggression and vengeance we see are really only perceived and will fade if we change how we’re looking at the situation/world.  It is also a reflection of something which happened last night when we stopped to get frozen yogurt.  We were walking across the parking lot to my car when some kids in a truck flew by.  Although I didn’t see it, I guess he came rather too close to me, and freaked Heather out, she yelled at the guy to slow down, he actually stopped and they exchanged words, but she was very angry and, in hindsight, more than a little scared.  I can’t blame her as, if I’d seen someone come as close to her as he apparantly did to me, I’d be freaking out and angry as well.  But everyone is fine and maybe that kid will be a little less crazy in the future.  One can only hope, before he really does hurt someone.
I really am amazed at how the card fit so well into both my ACIM lesson and what happened last night.  I believe I will include it in my posts at least from time to time.  If nothing else, it gets my brain moving and my thoughts unlocked a bit when I’m having trouble finding something to say.  Typically, I use my Spiral deck as it is the one I connect best to, but I may also try to use some of the other decks, just for practice reading them.
For now, my mind is zinging and zooming around through dreams, events, things I want to accomplish today and other fun stuff.  Dylan is in his favorite spot, on my desk while I’m working or playing on the computer.  As I stroke his back and skritch his cheek, he emits his deep, rumbly motor which never fails to cause any and all tension to just fall away, unneeded.  He is definitely my soulmate.  (or at least one of them!  I never believed we were limited to only one, and that they had to be a soulmate to us in only one capacity in our lives). (Look out, here I go on another tangent!)
Anyway, I’m feeling nicely relaxed, yet energized to get my day started.  Since starting with this new chiropractor and changing my vitamins, I’m sleeping better, waking up feeling rested and as a result, more energized.  I think I accomplish more and I’m certainly being even wordier as I add to my blogs.  Could it be that in releasing the toxins from my intestines, I’m also freeing my mind and finding better clarity?  Could it be that as I let go of past issues I didn’t know I was retaining, that the real me is coming out after years of being stifled?  Time will certainly tell!
Love and light.

April 3, 2011
This note is going to be incredibly disjointed because thoughts are spinning through my head so quickly, I’m not sure even my typing skills are going to be able to keep up with them.
First thought from last night, actually.  Since I’ve set myself a new regimen to write first thing in the morning, I am, on occasion, feeling like i need to write at night as well.  Last night, I actually told myself “no, you don’t need to write at night as you already did it this morning”.  How silly is that?  If I need/want to write, the time of day (after my initial post of course.  I have to establish that habit so it does happen every day!)  should not matter.  When the muse strikes, it must be answered.  So I won’t be thwarting my muse any more!  The whole point of this exercise is to get me writing consistently, and writing whenever my brain has things it needs to say, thus, when I start my book, I’ll have already established a free flow of ideas!  As it stands right now, ideas do seem to be flowing much more freely, so the experiment can be deemed successful.
Second thought has to do with ACIM.  As a result of an event last night on the dance floor (inconsiderate kid) I found myself actually reiterating Lesson 21 as I was driving home.  Although it wasn’t the day’s lesson, I find that to be significant as I’m starting to train my mind to recognize a need to reiterate a lesson in order to keep it open and accepting.  This is a very good thing for all of the reasons I started it in the first place.
Third thought, I got a late start today as I received an email this morning having to do with a side job I’ve accepted.  I needed to read through and ask some questions which will allow me to move forward once I have the information I need.  Will take it further when I talk to the contracts manager later today.
OK, brain has slowed down a touch now that I’ve gotten those thoughts down, but fingers are still flying.  I’m grateful to my BBS days which took my typing speed to new heights, because as thoughts are occurring faster and faster, I’m going to need to keep up with them, or start using a tape recorder!  Voice activated typing maybe?  (I shudder to think that I’d resort to that laziness!  Also, I think I think better when I let my brain wander and my fingers do the talking.  If I have to voice things, it’s a whole different dynamic.)  I do miss the comments from my friends lately, but as this really is my own journey, not theirs, I can’t come to depend on the feedback (at least until publication, eh?)
I’m eating breakfast as I type.  Not sure if that’s an unnecessary distraction or not, but as it’s already 11 AM, I think I need to fuel the machine!  I do notice that I’ve been eating lighter and less and more fruits and vegetables than meat lately.  Not sure if it’s a change due to the chiropractic work I’ve been doing, or the change in vitamins, or just an overall body change.  I do feel that I’ve lost some weight and some of my clothes seem to be fitting a bit looser, but it’s hard to tell at the moment as it’s not a major change.  As the weeks go by, I’ll have a better perspective.  And I am dancing more now too, so that has to help!
I’ve decided, after last night, that I will no longer ask Heather if she’s planning to go dancing.  The fact that, even when she does say yes, she usually either has an excuse for not showing, or shows up for an hour, sits with Mathom most of that hour, then comes up with an excuse to leave just tends to irritate me.  So I told her that from now on, I won’t ask, so she doesn’t have to make excuses, and if she does happen to show up, it’ll be a pleasant surprise.   Her response, typically, was “whatever”.  Which says it all (and look there!  It’s 11:11 yet again!).
I’m definitely feeling that my life is on the move, and that I’m going to start seeing changes occurring in all aspects at an every increasing pace now.  If I stick to the original plan, I’m about 7 days away from starting the book.  However, “starting” may just, for now, involve doing some research. I also need to set up some time to talk to my Aunt because I think she can give me some serious insight into my mom’s psyche.  So much to do, so much to plan and I still need, desperately, to declutter my office!  Although I have started the process, there’s so much more I need to do.  And I think it’ll help the brain flow (although right now, I think the brain has diarrhea!)  I look around, both at the things I HAVE organized and at the things yet to be organized.  I have accomplished more than it seems since the infamous closet cleaning last year.  Interestingly, a lot of what went was clothes of Mom’s that I never really did get myself into.  Significant?  Hard to say.  (don’t you just hate when the mouse pointer thingie gets right in the middle of what you’re trying to see??)  Gad, what tangents I’m taking today.  This is the best example of a brain dump I’ve had in a long time, though nothing like some of the random typings I used to do in Word when I couldn’t sleep.  And speaking of sleep, I’m not having any problems with that lately.  Again, chiro, vitamins, eating?  Who’s to say, but I wake up, maybe once, about an hour before I’d normally get up, to go to the bathroom, but sleep through the night for the most part, waking up feeling refreshed, energized and just altogether good!  Maybe that’s part of the reason the muse is so active?  Rested brain opens up all sorts of nooks and crannies for inspection, introspection and dumping. 🙂 
I look down at my hands for a second as I clear my thoughts, and another thought pops in.  These hands I’ve had all my life are actually going to create something amazing now!  It boggles my mind that they will link with my brain and accomplish something I have wanted to accomplish all of my life!  And I also think that, this side work I’ve accepted involves a lot of writing and who, but me, is really up to that task?  My writing skills have been praised and complimented a lot lately.  (another neon sign from the Universe, maybe?)  I love my number crunching, I really do.  But I love, even more, the fact that my number crunching is allowing me to use my writing skills more and more these days.
I keep reading, both in ACIM and so many other places I read and research lately, that there are always hints of where our path leads, some subtle, some more like neon signs and sledgehammers, but that, until we stop analyzing and directing our thoughts, we may miss those hints.  I can see now how that is so.  As I meditate, open my mind, let my thoughts flow and really look around me, I see a lot of those hints which I’ve totally missed until now.  But as with everything, I missed them for a reason just as now, I see them more and more, because now my life experiences have made me ready to act upon them.  Again I say LIFE IS GOOD!!!!
And one more thought hits me as I look at Dylan happily snoozing on my desk.  If/When the time comes that I can give up my day job to just write and maybe do a couple of contract jobs, Mr. Dylan will be thrilled as his greatest pleasure seems to be having me home to just hang with all of the time.  Thankfully, I’m getting more into the dancing, and the possibility of contract work will keep me from becoming a hermit.  And then there are the book signings! 🙂
Love and Light

April 4, 2011
A low energy kind of day today.  So low, in fact, that I managed to do my ACIM lesson this morning, but at 8:48 in the evening, I’m finally getting around to posting in this blog (while begging my laptop to PLEASE connect to the wireless network which it only wants to find about every 20th try! but persistence pays off!  It’s finally connected!)
I’m finding as I get further into the ACIM lessons that I’m finding more that I can relate to.  I seem to be kind of stuck on lesson 23 with regard to giving up attack thoughts, and am, when the angry, crazy-making thoughts show up, using it as a kind of mantra to turn myself back to the positive.  I truly can escape from the world I see, when it involves allowing things to make me react, by giving up attack thoughts.  What a great concept!   The hard part is not allowing myself to fixate on one lesson at the expense of others.
As I liked the way I was able to expound and expand on my card of the day, I am going to use that again tonight.
Using the Spiral deck again tonight, the card is the Hanged Man, card 12 in the Majors
I see:  A man dangling precariously over a crevasse, suspended only by one foot and a narrow branch balanced between two cliffs.  He appears completely relaxed, even in a meditative state as cool, blue water flows beneath him, a rainbow arches in the background and a veritable jewel box of stars gleams above the rainbow.  The river flows through a fertile valley of lush green plants growing right to the river banks.  The cliff faces, too, are more sparsely covered in healthy vegetation. A cross dangles from the branch, resting on the man’s leg. almost as if he keeps it as a talisman.  Three angels can be made out amidst the starts, keeping watch over the man as he hangs in contemplation.
I feel:  Meditation is they key to opening up limitless worlds as vast as the heavens and as fertile as the river-swept valley depicted in this card.  Hope and possibilities are reinforced by the presence of the rainbow, and the best possible outcome is ensured because we are all watched over by our spirit guides and guardian angels, but must let go of earthly contaminants in order to truly engage the wisdom of the Universe.
I think:  It’s interesting that the card I pull tonight makes me think of meditation and of letting go and letting the Universe guide.  When I got home tonight, drained of energy and with a splitting headache, the only thing I could think of was to get into more comfortable clothes and meditate.  My thrice weekly visits to the chiropractor, while helpful on one level, have kept me from my daily meditations at lunch time, and although I still meditate when I’m going to sleep, those are relatively short as it doesn’t take much to put me to sleep these days!  So I’ve missed meditating, and benefitting from those meditations.  I got home just after 6, changed clothes and sat on the sofa to meditate.  While settling in, Munchkin climbed up and lay across my left arm while Loki sat on my chest.  Although they were both gone when I finally came out of my meditation at 7:30, they were all close by, with Dylan laying on the floor on his back and giving me his very best upside down, “aren’t I adorable” look.  So, no real surprise that the cards reflected my need to get back to my daily meditation routine.
Yesterday, I was feeling rather achy and tired after doing chores and running errands for a good part of the weekend so I didn’t go to WCS last night.  Tonight, I was tired and headachy so I just came straight home, again missing WCS.  I will get back into it as mind and body permit, but have a con-call for the consulting job I accepted tomorrow night.  Another aspect of the card I pulled tonight is that I’ve increased my responsibilities again, so I need to relax and let the pieces fall into place so that I’m not stressing myself out.  I did find, despite the tiredness, that I worked through various tasks today, just handling things one at a time, without any pressure.  Requests for information were dealt with quickly and easily (of course, having set things up so that I can update various spreadsheets quickly and easily doesn’t hurt!)  Although my body is achy and tired, my mind seems to be working through things easily and precisely.  (and from the way thoughts are flowing again tonight, it seems to be doing so on all levels).  As I continue to experience synchronicity, I find it easier to let the Universe continue to guide me, and to allow me to refrain from overthinking and analyzing every detail of my hopes, plans and dreams.
One thought is running through my head a lot lately, though, and that is the need to destructure my life a bit, but yet, I’m loathe to give up the steady paycheck, the need to get up every morning and be somewhere, the sense of purpose.  It’s not that getting up and writing, taking on some side work, and all of my other activities wouldn’t be fulfilling.  I’m just not convinced right now that they will be fulfilling enough. So I juggle all aspects for awhile longer.  Granted, if certain plans come to fruition in the next year or two, the decision will be taken out of my hands, but for now, I juggle and do my best to make sure that all of my demands are met and do not suffer for the demands of my other tasks.  I know that sounds a bit vague, but I don’t really feel the need to list them all here.  Just various business demands, social, volunteer and those things which benefit my overall health and welfare.
I’m reminded again of the dream where Ed is asking me to come in and cut checks as if he’d never fired me (with a little instigation from me as I really wanted out of that situation anyway).  I wonder if that was just my brain putting a “face” it knew on my accepting work for HLWT again after all this time.  It’s not as if I didn’t allow for that possibility by keeping my business license active, nor have I not had other nibbles before this point.  And in all honesty, until the book is finished and sold, I need to keep all options open as far as financial stability since what I had hoped would take me to retirement is unlikely to do so now.  Not that I don’t honestly believe that opportunities will continue to present themselves as long as I allow them to present themselves.  I know that everything will work out fine and, with trust, better than anything I can even imagine.  I’m liable to see several things happening at once, and be thriving on having my fingers in several pies.  I do love challenges and even more, I love multiple challenges.  It keeps my brain healthy and active!
Love and light

April 5, 2011
Hard to believe that I started ACIM nearly a month ago!  Although I’ve missed a day here and there, I’ve nearly achieved my first, tentative goal of 30 lessons.  I’m not entirely sure that I am far enough in to begin my book, but I realize that as soon as I’m ready, I won’t be able to stop it from happening, so why set an arbitrary goal?  I get that from today’s lesson.  My goal really has no meaning whatsoever.
I got up this morning feeling a lot more energized, and had no trouble getting up earlier, shutting off the alarm and starting my day, so I guess yesterday was just an anomaly.
Following the process of the last few days, I’m going to start, again, with the card of the day.
Interesting, I pulled the Five of Wands again.  Coincidence?  I doubt it.
I see: Three men who look like workers protecting a man dressed in evening clothes from another worker.  All are armed with rods and 2 of the three protectors are taking a defensive stance while one appears ready to strike the attacker.  The sky is a deep red and the ground appears parched, giving the scene a rather hellish look and makes me think of the great Chicago fire which caused people of different classes to join together uncharacteristically.    The well dressed gentleman appears to be trying to settle the situation reasonably.
I feel:  Unlikely people come together both under extreme circumstances and for shared causes.  For a time, their differences are forgotten as they work towards a common goal.  For a time, even lifelong resentments over who has more can be set aside to achieve a greater purpose.
I think: first of all, that it’s amazing that I can pull the same card within a couple of days and see such different things and feel such different things from the same card.  I think, at this point, that I’m being challenged to set aside old paradigms to both look at a situation from a different angle and to work towards a higher goal.  Part of this shift in my perception of the card is definitely attributable to ACIM and the lessons I’ve come to, but part is just my overall outlook which is constantly shifting and adapting to everything around me and within me.
This was definitely enlightening.  In doing this exercise, I’ve always endeavored to just type the first things that come to my mind, without editing, so there’s no telling what might come out in a session.  For the card to take on an entirely different meaning like this tells me that in working through ACIM, I am starting to experience the shift in perception which it is designed to accomplish.  This shift will be extremely useful as I dig deep inside myself, as well as others to write my book.  Losing all preconceived meanings for things, people and actions will give me unbelievably broad perspective into the topic.  (took me about 5 tries to actually type the word “unbelievably” correctly, and I am having a devil of a time with other, even simpler words!  Not sure why that is today)  My conclusion, then, is that I am definitely on the right track and should just trust myself as to when the time is right to start writing.

(1:24PM)  I had to cut this morning’s writing short as I was running short of time, but since I actually get a lunch hour today rather than running off to the chiropractor again, I thought I’d take a few moments to add to what I’d written.
Interesting to me is that yesterday I woke up dragging, was tired, achy and had no energy all day.  Today is just the opposite (though I still can’t seem to type!)  I bounced out of bed, full of energy, got ready quickly, did some writing and minor chores, and headed off to work where I’ve been doing my best to sit still and get things done, despite my urgent need to bounce off the walls, Tigger style!  What a difference a day makes!  Or perhaps it was that nice, long meditation last night?  Either way, I’m feeling really good today and ready to take on the world!  The further I get into ACIM, despite the fact that the overly religiousness of some parts of it don’t really resonate with me, the more the overall concept feels right.  Not only right in and of itself, but right in the timing.  But I’ve found that there have been, and continue to be a lot of situations where I’m introduced to something but pass it by, only to later revisit it and find that it’s something I need to do.    I guess the Universe has it’s own way of pointing us in the right direction, and I’m sure that, for awhile there, it was frustrated with my lack of attention so it learned to give me little nudges along the way.  I don’t mind the nudges now, as it sometimes just gives me something to get the juices flowing.
Love and light

April 6, 2011
Card of the day:  King of Pentacles
I see:  A powerful man sitting calmly on a throne, surveying his healthy, prolific domain.  He holds a large pentacle/coin, a sign of his success and wealth.  He is surrounded by verdant fields, trees heavy with fruit and holds a staff with a golden steer head which is mirrored by the horned crown he wears.  In the distance is his castle, surrounded only by more fruitful fields.
I feel:  A sense of all being right and safe.  This man signifies to me that through constant vigilance and one’s own effort, everything you want or need will be there.  He also signifies safety and security, all that is mine is protected.  And he signifies abundance.  All that he touches thrives.
I think:  This card is, in a way, connected to today’s lesson.  If I stop fighting things and just allow, all will be as it should be, and I will thrive.
Crazy day!  Had to get up early to call Lexus so they could have my car towed to the dealer to diagnose the problem.  And what a problem it was!  $400 dollars to fix a hose and check out the cooling system because a rat decided to nest in my engine!  Egad!  I do miss Anastasia who kept my house and yard rodent free!  We really need an outdoor cat who likes to hunt!  But it was a blessing in disguise as traffic was awful due to an accident blocking two lanes on the 23 almost to the 101.  I was very grateful to be riding and listening to Mark and Brian with the tow truck driver rather than having to crawl my way to work!  Also had a very good appointment with my chiropractor who told me that I seem to be really getting back in shape.  We’ll know more tomorrow when they re-run the diagnostics, but I really feel good.  I did notice that I was noticing a lot more aches and pains in different places, and realized that I was focusing on aches and pains instead of on feeling better.  That seemed to flip a switch as aches and pains disappeared!  It really is all about attitude!
One more night of not dancing, as I went to look at vanities Heather thought might work in my bathroom.  Sadly, I didn’t see anything I liked, but I did end up stopping for some very yummy sushi (and Scooby got a scallop).
So Heather has set traps for our lovely rat who, with luck, will be history by tomorrow.  He could have coexisted with us if he hadn’t felt the need to destroy my car.  Now the gloves are off!  He really needs to go!
I don’t want to end this post on such a low note.  Especially as I was just having a wonderful snuggle session with Dylan and Munchkin.  My babies do love to snuggle.  And I have to look at all of the patches of paint Heather has put on my walls and make some decisions.  She’s going to strangle me if I don’t decide soon so she can start painting.  She says it relaxes her!  Different strokes!
Love and light.

April 9, 2011
A busy couple of days, so I’ve missed my writing, in both senses of the word, but knowing that I’d be busy, I promised myself a nice long session or two this weekend.  As Heather went off with Mathom while I was at my nail appointment, it’s just me and the cats.  Although, when I got home, I realized that the house is FREEZING (as if being able to sleep under not one but two comforters wasn’t clue enough???) and checked the thermostat to find that it’s 60 degrees in here!  Last week when it was in the 80’s Heather set the control thingie to A/C, so of course, the heat isn’t coming on!  Yikes! (Yes, I know, to the east coasters, I’m a real wuss, but when my feet and my nose are cold, I get cranky! So the heater is now on, warming the house up to a comfy 68 while Munchkin is walking around the house meowing pitifully.  And they think I’m a wuss???  Darn cats want it warm in here too, and heaven forbid they be asked to eradicate the car engine eating rat!!!!  Puhleeze!  touch that nasty thing in the first place and actually have to get blood on their paws??  Not these pampered babies!  So I’m trying the suggestion of one of my facebook friends and putting dishes of soda down to see if Earl (yes, I’ve named the stupid rat!) will drink it and die, because, as the song says, Earl has to die!  (not that I feel good about killing one of G-d’s creatures, but I was lucky to get off with a $400 repair bill because, thus far, he’s left the wiring harness alone, but he needs to go before he does more harm, and he seems to be laughing at the traps!
Anyway, now that I’ve done a verbal regurgitation, let’s move on to the card of the day.
Six of Wands
I see:  A jockey atop an elegant and proud horse, sitting in the winners circle, bedecked with wreaths, and receiving the accolades of friends and colleagues on a race well run.  He is humble but proud in accepting congratulations for the result of long hours of training and honing his skills, but gives at least equal credit to the fine animal who actually ran the race.  The sky is a brilliant blue and the earth is a verdant green.  They are the perfect backdrop for his chocolate brown teammate And the royal blue blanket and shirt he wears under a red and white vest and over snow white pants.  His red cap shades his eyes from the sun.
I feel: The joy of victory after the hard work of a team of individuals who come together for a common goal.  The humility in understanding that this is just one race, and that the team will come together again and again, working towards new goals, and as each one is accomplished, celebrating the victory before moving on to the next great finish.
I think: This ties in well with my ACIM lesson, Above all else, I want to see.  In seeing, I will have goals in sight, and people, guides, Higher Self…so many others, to help achieve those goals, and to set new, higher goals as each one is achieved.  These experiences are a part of helping me to grow and understand and see what is around me exactly as it is, rather than as it is interpreted by my mind and my attempts to give everything meaning.
Whew!  I feel like I’ve just run a race myself after interpreting that card!  I feel so much is before me and that there are so many out there ready to provide input, support, and just be there to run with me.  And yes, I feel that run is the right word as things seem to be moving very quickly for me lately.  (except maybe, cleaning the house!)  It’s almost as if I am watching a movie and someone has hit the fast forward button so I’m watching things happen at about 10 times real time.  Kind of like the squirrel in Over the Hedge when he drinks a coke! It’s telling me that there’s nothing I can’t accomplish!  There’s a little bit of a tickle starting in me, to start writing my book but it’s still only a tickle because there are other things I must do first.  When it becomes a real itch, I’ll know the time is right!  I am finding that I’m distracting very easily the last few days (which could account for my failing to make time to write!) and that I’m acting very much like the woman with adult onset ADD, except that I know mine has been a lifelong thing!  This is why I’m trying to set myself up to write every morning as I need to establish a routine, a pattern that I will feel that I just can’t start the day without.  Then, when the ideas are flowing, they will be captured before they’re gone into ADD land!
At any rate, I feel that I’m desperately in need of a nice, long meditation so I’ll end this for now, but may write more later (especially if the meditation generates a few gems!)
3:15PM
What is it about meditating that seems to attract the cats?  I lay down on my bed, or rather, kind of half sat propped on pillows with the body pillow under my knees, with my arm around Munchkin who was already there.  Soon after, Patches started licking my hand, Loki made herself comfortable on my chest, Toby draped his ample self across my stomach and Dylan curled up beside me.  A nap and another meditation later, Loki was still on my chest and Dylan had moved to my other side and was stretched out between me and the edge of the bed.  So I have to wonder.  Do cats meditate?  Interestingly, though, the cats didn’t become a part of either the meditations or the dreams, they were, this time, simply a part of my external environment (although Loki’s soft purr in my face was somewhat hypnotic and lured me into that zone a lot faster).
On another note, I was reading, of all things, a magazine of local advertisers that came in the mail today, and with several ads, found myself experiencing a negative emotion about the advertiser for no apparent reason.  I finally had to caution myself to let go of the negativity.  Only one was a merchant I had even had any contact with, but there was nothing negative with him so I don’t understand my reactions.   I know I’ve been rather annoyed with the childish behaviour of our elected officials, but then, I know I’m not alone there.  Frankly, the whole lot of them are useless if they can’t even come up with a budget 6 months late!  And they still haven’t really.  They just put another bandaid in place.  But I’m not going to get started on that here.  It goes so far outside of spirituality and the ultimate divinity I strive to be worthy of, that it will only pollute everything good.  So I hereby accept, acknowledge and release the negative thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, no real revelations in my meditations or subsequent dreams.  There was one that I remember, which had me running down a hill with wild abandon thinking I was heading back to my friends somewhere in West L.A. after going off to run an errand, but found myself looking at the Forum and realized I’d run in the opposite direction to where I should have.  Of course this is especially odd because I know that the distance and direction I ran would never have taken me to the Forum in Inglewood, but it was just a dream.  I remember feeling a little uncomfortable because it was supposed to be a bad neighborhood, but the houses were very nice and well kept and the only people I saw were a couple who were arguing about him staying over.  She told him that he wasn’t going to sleep with her, but that she’d sleep in her roommate’s bed with her.  Then they argued over an old book and that’s where I got into the picture.  They handed me a very old book which I said I’d read, but that I’d preferred another book they mentioned.  At that point I woke up and was lying on my bed telling myself that it was time to get up and get some things done.
So here I am at 3:30 on Saturday having accomplished nothing more than getting my nails done and doing some research on a shop vac!
Love and light.

April 10, 2011
I discovered today that I lost a day somewhere.  Although I put April 8 on yesterday’s writings, I now see that it was really April 9, so I have corrected the error.  I’m writing in the evening today as my day got started rather abruptly with Heather turning on the shower a little before 9.  As we needed to get breakfast and go grocery shopping before she had to be at work at 11, it meant that I needed to get going and miss my morning writing session.  We barely got back in time for her to be on time for work, so that left me cleaning out the fridge and putting away the groceries, something I usually leave to her.  After dumping a bunch of really nasty old stuff into the trash compactor, I emptied the thing, replaced the bag, and went on to the next phase of my day:  shopping for a shop vac.  Although I’ve had several instances lately where I wished I had one, Heather’s plans for her summer vacation pushed me into actually doing some research and heading out to buy one.  Unfortunately, Costco didn’t have the one I saw online, so I bought my gas and headed for my second choice, Lowe’s which, coincidentally, had the fire pit we’ve been looking at for about 2 years on sale as well.  I was overwhelmed by how helpful people were today!  I was struggling to get the fire pit into the WRONG kind of cart when a lady stopped and helped me.  As I headed for the shop vac aisle, I found a flat bed cart and quickly made the transfer.  Have you ever tried to drive one of those things???  It’s like trying to get an elephant to go where you want him to!  I wondered at the people who let their small children cross my path while at the wheel of my elephant!  But I did get it safely to and from the shop vac aisle and to a cashier who kindly offered to get me help getting them into the car!  Now, I did tell her that I had a Lexus IS which everyone knows is not exactly an SUV.  She advised me to go bring my car to the loading zone and she’d have someone come out to help me load.  10 minutes and a couple of more forays into the store to tell Debbie, the cashier, that I’d yet to get help (although a man in an SUV had NO trouble getting help with a lawnmower! Nor did he hesitate to state, emphatically, that I’d never get the fire pit into my car!  Dang, I wish I’d taken that bet!), a young man did arrive to help me (and drool over my car).  We finally determined that the fire pit would have to go in the trunk and hang out a little.  Did you know Lexus did not see fit to put anything under the car at the rear to tie anything down to?  Do they figure that if you can afford this lovely little car, you must be able to afford an SUV or a truck as well??  The only solution was to tie the trunk lid to the box and drive Veeeeery slowly home.  Good thing I only had to go about a mile!  Arriving home, I did the last of my part of the deal and unloaded shop vac and fire pit into the garage where they will await the talents of my daughter and her boyfriend in transferring the pit to the patio (hmmm, sounds like a good story title) and assembling as needed.  S’mores anyone?
Then it was off to cat rescue where I helped put a collar on a 20 pound calico named Midget (she was quite well fed) and load her into a carrier to go to her new home (Yaaay!) and helped with the paperwork to send my latest love, Matteo (Turkish Van-ish, if you ask me) home with his new dad, who seemed totally thrilled with his new boy as he had his hand rubbed all over by Matteo’s face!  Two more success stories!
Finally, went to Souplantation for dinner with Mathom and his mom, and got to see Heather’s old Girl Scout leader (not saying Stephanie is old, mind you!) and her daughter who is pregnant with number 2.  A delightful time all the way around!
Which brings me to finally doing my daily writing just shy of 9PM tonight.  So much for my morning writing schedule, huh?  But, judging by the amount I’ve written so far (and I haven’t even gone into the wonderful three nights in a row of dancing which has left me very achy, but a very GOOD kind of achy), I need to get the card of the day out of the way (as I draw ever closer to running out of room in Blog Part 6.  So here we go:
Card of the Day: The Devil
I see:  A very large man dressed all in black and wearing a horned mask.  In his right hand, he has two strings tied which appear to hold a picture or a mirror of a horrified person sitting in the upstretched arms of two blue minions.  A golden pitchfork dangles carelessly from the left hand of the black clad man as he gazes calmly at his captured soul while a snake slithers around in the sea of flames on which they are standing.  A tilted pentagram is on the man’s stomach and the symbol of, I believe, Mars, is off to the right of the captured soul.
I feel:  Interestingly, I feel rather ambivalent about this card.  I don’t believe a soul can actually be captured unless it gives away it’s right to be a free spirit, and part of the Universal whole.  Although, maybe that’s what we’ve done in allowing our Congressmen and Senators so much control over what happens to our country and our livelihood?  I know that I’ve often thought of all politicians as snakes in the grass. So the captured soul is the American public, the minions are Congress and the Senate and the man in black is Big Business.  Seems to feel right to me!
I think:  I’m recognizing a need to cut loose from all of the idiocy, though, at the moment, I don’t have any kind of plan or idea on how that might be accomplished.  My best recourse at the moment is to focus on my spirituality and let the mundane, human world fend for itself until I can better set my thoughts on a more beneficial path in which to help all concerned.
Well, that was rather unexpected, all the way around.  First the card, then the words that came off of my fingers in response to the card.  I truly never know what’s going to come out until it hits the screen!  But then, I expect that when I start writing my book, it will be in much the same fashion.  There will be a lot of “Ah ha’s” and “I said that??”s  Which reminds me, I found out tonight that Heather has actually been reading some of this blather, which really surprises me.  I didn’t think she’d be interested, really.  Another one who constantly surprises me!
I think that the many surprises that life is bringing me lately are just a blast!  It’s like birthdays, Christmas and Chanukah, falling in love and everything good all wrapped up in a slightly messy package with a big gawdy bow, and life is never boring!
And I mentioned to Betty at cat rescue today that I was having rat problems and wished I had an outside cat who liked to hunt.  It seems she has two (I’d have to take both) ferals living at her house who are really good hunters and very sweet cats, but she can’t let them out due to the coyotes in her neighborhood, so I’d be helping her by giving them a safe home and she’d be helping me by giving me pest removers!  What a deal!  I’m not sure when the transfer will take place, and I’ll have to keep them caged for about 3 weeks so they know that this is their new home, but I’m very excited!  My fruit trees and my car will, once again, be protected from pests!
I think I’ve finally run myself out of words!  What a day!  What a weekend!  I’m so very happy with my life!  And so very in love with that incredible person who is me!
Love and light.

 

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