Over the last couple of weeks, I have been doing my best to let go of my fears and continue to trust that all will work out as it’s supposed to.  This isn’t always an easy task, but I took a leap of faith a few months ago, and refuse to give in to worry, fear and other self-defeating emotions, so when I feel myself sliding into the abyss, I take comfort…and courage from some of the pages and friends on Facebook who are so great at keeping the positive energy flowing. 

This is one of the posts I’ve borrowed (with permission!) that helps me to keep moving forward even when it seems as if I’m getting nothing accomplished.  It also helps me to remember that sometimes, all I am supposed to do is to sit back and allow things to happen without any guidance from me because any effort I might make to affect the outcome will, essentially, just be me trying to paddle upstream.

As those who know me are aware, letting go is one of the hardest things for me to do (which may well be why I’m being given lots of opportunities to learn the lesson right now!) as I’m so used to forging my life as I see fit.  I will also be the first to admit that many of the choices I’ve made as a result have probably slowed me down instead of moving me forward in the manner I might have wished. 

So for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been diligent about my blog posting, worked a little on the copywriting course and done absolutely NO editing on my book.  In the meantime, sleep has been spotty, meditations have been hit or miss and my subconscious has been having a veritable field day via my dreams.  But I have to believe, have faith, and trust that there is a purpose to all of this, and that, in the end, I will be very glad that I took the time to just allow and not drive for a change. 

Interestingly, the more I let go and allow, the more attentive my cats seem to be.  It is a rare moment when I’m alone in a room, even if I only got there a minute or two before.  Munchkin and Dylan, especially, seem to think that they need to be by my side constantly (although it is Toby who stands guard when I shower).  In fact, I’ve been driving them crazy with my sleeplessness, because I move from room to room, trying to find a place where I can actually sleep for a couple of hours.  Munchkin, in particular, finds this rather annoying since her favorite place to sleep is on top of me, and if I’m changing not only positions, but rooms, it means that her sleep pattern is disturbed as well!

As I’ve noted before, I know that part of my distraction and restlessness has to do with the kids’ move, so I’m hoping that some of it will be released after this weekend.  The movers are picking up their stuff tomorrow and they’ll make the drive tomorrow night with the rest of their menagerie.  Heather will be back next week, as she’s making a birthday cake for one of our friends, and a week or so after that, she’ll be alone with the critters and the new friends she’s already made. 

I’ll miss having them close by, but I am glad they’re close enough to come back frequently.  I’m excited for them as they embark on a new adventure, and maybe even excited for me because it’s a new adventure for me as well.  It’s a little scary as, unlike Heather, I don’t have anyone close to turn to if I need anything.  But the truth is, I don’t often need anything anyway, so it’s all good. 

I felt a little sadness as I typed that because, to be honest, it is nice to have someone who will be there if I need them, even if it’s just to pick up chicken soup for me because I’m too sick to go get it myself (again, a very rare occurrence, and lately, I usually have at least one container in the house anyway!).  I think the feeling that someone cares enough to go out of their way for me is the part I’m going to miss the most. 

A friend of ours put it really well the other night.  She said that Heather is like me and puts up walls.  I don’t think either of us is even conscious of doing it any more.  We simply allow people to see so much and no more.  I’ve been trying to overcome my tendency to withhold a lot of myself from everyone, and I do believe I’ve made progress, but with the kids’ move, I know I’ll be challenged to do better.  I should be used to it by now, though, as I’ve made a habit of doing scary things for the last few months.  I still believe with all of my heart that the hardest part of taking a leap of faith, or of stepping outside your comfort zone is in taking the first step.  Once you get past the first step, you end the anticipation, and with it, all of the truly terrifying scenarios your subconscious creates, knowing full well that the worst, and pretty much all of the less than optimal scenarios are just the subconscious mind’s scare tactics to keep you from making changes.  The truth is that even the most drastic changes aren’t going to turn your wold upside down.  They are simply going to create a small shift. 

In fact, with all of the “shifts” my world has taken in the last few months, I’m still doing well, and, for the most part, better than ever.  Yes, I spend a lot more time alone, but I also get out and do things I wasn’t doing before too.  I know that whatever I do and wherever I go, no matter how much or how little I think I’ve accomplished, it’s all exactly what I need to be doing. 

Even on the days when I think “man, I’ve gotten absolutely nothing done today!”  I can look at my to do list and realize that that is not true at all!  There isn’t a single day that passes when I don’t check off at least two or three things these days!  And lately, some of the big ones are coming off the list entirely! 

Awesome Women posted this one today and it reminded me of something which might seem obvious to some, but for me, it isn’t quite so simple.  Being kind to yourself means that you accept whatever it is you’ve accomplished, feeling grateful and happy for those things, and not getting hung up on what you didn’t do.  That is what can be hard for me, and this reminder was incredibly timely.  I re-shared it and will have it in my own archives now, for the many, many times I will need to be reminded.  Like forgiveness, kindness is far easier to give to others.  Thus, in this case, I would have to say that I need to treat myself as I treat others. 

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the things I have accomplished lately, despite the fact that they might not meet some random standard I had erroneously set for myself.
2. I am grateful for all of the people who post such wonderful, timely reminders to help me move forward unstressfully.
3. I am grateful for new adventures.
4. I am grateful for whatever tomorrow brings because whatever that is will be awesome!
5. I am grateful for the love of my daughter and son-in-law, and that there will always be a close bond, no matter where they might be living.

Love and light.

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